Thursday, May 3, 2007

Uncle Ben, Climate Criminal

The European Court of First Instance issued a warrant today for the arrest of Uncle Ben, the rice magnate who made headlines recently when it was revealed that he was one of the greatest climate criminals in history.

“Everyone had certain obligations to meet under Kyoto, and instead of trying to meet his obligations Uncle Ben chose to turn the world into his own personal greenhouse,” said noted Environmental Champion Al Gore. “Deadly tsunamis, hurricane Katrina, droughts, floods, hard freezes this winter in the US, and the general decline of contestants on American Idol can all be laid at his doorstep.”

“It’s clear that this American businessman is history’s greatest monster,” said French presidential hopeful Segolene Royal. “When he’s not discriminating against poor youths or forcing the oppressed to work their 36th hour, my opponent Nicolas Sarkozy likes to socialize with filth like this. Remember that a vote for him is a vote to flood the Netherlands, where it’s legal to buy pot, which you’ll need to cope with the stress after Sarkozy makes it possible for your employer to fire you in very limited circumstances after your fifth offense.”

Gore said the methane emissions from the fields were only the tip of Ben’s melting climate iceberg. “It takes a lot of heat to boil the water to cook the rice. How much additional CO2 has been emitted preparing this inefficient dish? In my opinion, this man and his loathsome crop can both be consigned to the dustbin of history.”

American officials denied knowledge of where Ben was, although Europeans expressed skepticism that such a famous icon as Uncle Ben could travel unknown inside the country. Judge Wallace Williams hinted that he was being protected by the Bush administration. “This administration’s contempt for world opinion is legendary: cancelling Kyoto, putting pimps in charge of the World Bank, and attacking other countries unprovoked when a polite but firm letter would work just as well. Why not hide a supervillain like Uncle Ben?”

Other sources hinted at a more personal motive for hiding the businessman. One Court official, who was not authorized to speak to the media, said that “Uncle Ben has long had a very close, very personal affair with Condoleeza Rice. If I were looking for him, I’d check at her house first.”