Republican Candidate Bios

I know that a lot of people, like myself, don’t pay too much attention to the primaries at this early stage of the game. So when you’re channel-surfing hoping to find something blowing up or bikini-clad women, and you stumble across a debate with eight or ten weirdoes standing up on stage all wearing the same suit and all ducking the same questions, it can be a little hard to figure out who’s who. So as a handy guide, I’ve researched these candidates based on the impressions across the blogosphere to condense their biographies.

Hope they help.

Rudy Giuliani: Former tyrannical mayor of New York who had six mistresses and changes wives the way other people change socks. From what I can tell he supports a law that would force every woman to get an abortion, and some on the left think he had advance knowledge of 9/11 and used it as a way to catapult himself to stardom. His favorite song is Ray Parker Jr’s “The Other Woman.”

Mitt Romney: Weirdo religious kook who was governor of Massachusetts. Is considered “soft” on the second amendment because he wants to confiscate assault weapons, tanks, and RPG’s from loyal Americans. Favorite book is “Battlefield Earth”, which is probably a sign that he’s a Scientologist posing as a Mormon in order to be more mainstream.

John McCain: Strong on the war on terror, apparently a Democrat on everything else. Supports federal laws requiring ordinary citizens to wear gags the final 14 days before an election. When he gets mad, he swells up like the hulk and begins swearing, shouting “McCain smash to hell!” Has a thing for drunken sailors. Favorite food is Compromise Pie, where somebody else picks out all the ingredients and does all the work, but he takes as much credit as possible and eats it no matter how bitter it is.

Rue Paul: I read somewhere that he sleeps with a tin-foil hat on in a Faraday cage to keep sinister microwave radiation from space satellites from frying his brain. Apparently it doesn’t work.

Tom Tancredo: In high school, Tancredo was voted “Most Likely to Round Up a Posse to Get ‘Em.” His favorite song is the amended version of “This land is your land”:

This land is my land,
It isn’t your land
I’ve got a shotgun,
And you ain’t got one.
You better get off.
Before I blow your head off.
This land was made for me, not you!

Mike Huckabee: Funnier than Al Franken, more relevant than Jeanine Garofolo, and more respected than both of them put together. Of course, that means he’s like about 90% of the population of the United States. Considering changing his name to Huckleberry just to pick up some further recognition.

Jim Gilmore: Winner of the “Ordinary Guy Who Runs for President” contest, he’s in intense negotiations to buy Lamar Alexander’s plaid shirts and generic image.

Tommy Thompson: He’s not a real person at all, but is actually one of the animatrons stolen from the Hall of Presidents at Disneyworld. I think it was the one they were using for Millard Fillmore, since nobody knows who he is anyway. He’s being controlled by Karl Rove and his minions as a way to keep their grip on power. If he had a favorite song, it would be “Rocket” by Herbie Hancock.

Sam Brownback: Probably a former moonshine runner whose infatuation with ethanol reveals his inner Al Capone.

Duncan Hunter: Governor. Actor. Conservative. Odds-on favorite to actually win the nomination. Oh, wait, that was the guy who hasn’t declared. I guess this guy’s okay, too. But I don’t really expect anybody to have read down this far, just like nobody pays much attention to the guys after Tancredo. Let’s face it: the second-tier candidates are there for comic relief, and only Paul really delivers on that consistently.