Political Dictionary

Ageist: (??) This word has no apparent meaning.

Candidate: (n) The least worst person from each political party who is put forward in an election. “I couldn’t decide if I thought the candidates this year were more pathetic than the ones in 2004 or not.”

Columnist: (n) Someone who wants to see the Democrat win. “Even though I am a conservative opinion columnist, I must say I like the cut of Obama’s jib, and recommend him as our next president.”

Discredit: (v) To destroy all shred of respectability; note that this does not appear to be possible in most places. “You’d think that airing ignorant conspiracy theories about major public figures would discredit certain highly popular writers, but somehow they keep their job.”

Harpy: (n) See Entertainment Dictionary entry on The View

Hick: (n) Non-Washington Republican. “The hicks might enjoy all that aw-shucks stuff, but to those of us in the know, it seems so dreadfully hoi polloi.”

Host: (n) Someone who wants to see the Democrat win. “It might have been short-sighted for some talk-show hosts to go so overboard endorsing Obama.”

Inevitable: (adv) Doomed to failure. “Hillary Clinton will inevitably be the next president of the United States” or “A far more conservative Romney will inevitably win over the maverick John McCain.”

Integrity: (n) Quality which may never be questioned. “Nobody doubted his integrity, they just said he was misleading about a whole lot of things.”

Journalist: (n) Someone who wants to see the Democrat win. “I question Chris Matthews’ objectivity as a journalist.”

Libertarian: (n) Wonkish oaf who is never happy, despite probable rampant drug use. “As a libertarian, I hate every candidate, yet am too incoherent to form a political party of my own.”

Presidential Election: (n) Quadrennial Event where America comes together to vote for the president of the entire world, who will give hope to the hopeless, champion international justice, fix problems at home and abroad, and manufacture a diet soda that makes your farts smell like rainbows. “I just hope those dodgy Americans get their presidential election right this time.”

Recount: (v) Process whereby votes are added to one candidate or another until the desired party gains victory. “Hey, Dave, recount those votes until Franken’s up by a hundred, would you?”

Sportswriter: (n) Someone who wants to see the Democrat win. “I know I pledged to be only a sportswriter this year, but can’t you just feel the betterness of everything now that Obama has won?”

Vice-President: (n) Single most important position in the government which must never be handed over to someone who is not an expert on every single subject known to mankind, up to and including who is the current Miss Djibouti and what the name of the Prime Minister of Fiji’s cat is. “The best thing about having Biden as vice president is it means his idiocy is out of the Senate, where it can do real harm.”

What's next for Ted Stevens?

With a possible conviction hanging over his re-election, Ted Stevens may be persona non grata in most places. But at least one town in Alaska has already started a "Stevens for Mayor" drive, and said that regardless of his pending legal troubles he will always be welcome there.

Stevensville, Alaska, is a small town located forty miles outside of Fairbanks. The main employer of the 1400-person town is the nearby Ted Stevens Prison, which is where the embattled Republican Senator may end up serving any jail time if he fails to win his appeals. The town is also home to the Ted Stevens Moose Museum and a VECO construction office.

From his house just off the Ted Stevens Expressway, resident Johnny Mackerson says that Stevens' experience would help the locals to "maximize the benefit of our great infrastructure here, from the Stevens Snowmobile School to the Stevensville Arena, home of the Stevensville Bagmen, four-time ice football champions. And with the soon-to-open Tedbridge over Stevens Gorge, we hope to be able to add lots of exciting outdoors activities."

Spokesmen for Stevens said that while the senator was originally not interested in the post, he has changed his opinion since discovering that the town, a primary recipient of both state and federal funds, has "little to no budget oversight."

Early Election Polling Results

Top-rated pollster John Zigby, who successfully predicted not only the 2004 George Bush victory but also accurately forecast Al Gore's ultimate eating problems, has released his early data from the 2008 presidential race.

As expected, Obama is showing a commanding lead (70% or more) among starry-eyed youth, gun-toting lowlifes, and welfare/drama queens. However, what is also surprising is his good showing among pencil-necks (60%), arugula fanciers (58%), and cigar aficionados (52%), all traditional Republican supporters.

McCain, meanwhile, has seen his support among minorities more than double George Bush, capturing 4% of their vote so far. He also has a commanding lead (80% or more) with bluehairs, gun-clinging bible thumpers, and bitter angry women who despise the patriarchy.

Especially noteworthy was the two-hour line near polling stations in West Virginia to apply for temporary work permits for coal miners to work outside the United States in the event of an Obama victory.

Based on the surveys, MSNBC declared Obama the winner with "seventy million billion" electoral votes. The logic for this was explained by Keith Olbermann:

"McCain is a violent psychopath who will destroy the world. IMPEACH BUSH!"

First Space Votes Make History

In a historical first for any election, astronauts aboard the International Space Station today cast their ballots for president. The voting, widely hailed as "taking Democracy to the stars," went smoothly despite the obvious logistical problems attendant with taking votes from people thousands of miles away from their home states.

"It makes Dixville Notch look like the pompous, backwards jackasses they really are," said spokeswoman Helen Thomas-Crudump from ACORN, which had spearheaded the charge to register the astronauts. "And with seven hundred and forty-five people in the space station, most of them registered Democrats from the state of Pennsylvania, it's clear that we need to make sure that their votes are counted."

She noted that "it's just like Fort Penguin, Antarctica, where over two thousand soldiers from the Third Ohio Infantry are currently serving, who ACORN helped to vote early. We're committed to getting every vote to count, in our zeal even sending the same vote to two or three different precincts."

Not everyone was pleased with the move, however. Joe Biden warned that he felt "this might be the first step on the road to a war with the Klingons, or the Russians, whichever one of them it was that had those big ears and drooled a lot. Oh, yeah, that was Laura Bush!"

When no one laughed Biden promised to "throw your asses all in prison once I'm in the White House."

Editorial: McCain Should Concede

[In the interest of early compliance with the reinstitution of the Fairness Doctrine, we are bringing you this special editorial from the New York Times.]

On the eve of this historic presidential election, instead of focusing on the historic transformation of the United States from a racist backwater into a leading nation for progressive values, the entire world is captivated by one question: what is John McCain thinking?

The aged senator, whose Panamanian birth certificate admits to at least 72 years, insists on holding a vote on November 4th. Worse, he and his running mate, the nattily-dressed siren from Alaska, insist that they actually may win a victory in the election, inflaming passions around the country and dividing an already-fragmented electorate.

We ask why McCain insists on maintaining this fantasy, and the answer is that, deep within his crusty heart, he must hate this cradle of liberty. Why else would he force voters to the polls to choose between the future and his benighted version of the past?

Doubtless there are some holdouts, locked away in their mountain-top cabins, who will take a break from polishing their automatic weapons and writing their six-hundred-page manifesto against society, and turn out to vote for the worst-prepared vice presidential candidate in the history of the republic and her fossilized running mate.

Regardless of that, though, Obama will surely sweep through the polls like a breath of fresh air after passing an open-air sewer, and the country will be woken from the nightmare of the Bush presidency into a new dream of cooperation and sharing that will lift our spirits to new heights of glory.

One for all, and all for one, just like the musketeers of old!

After the pain of the 2000 stolen election, and the unseemly Swiftboating of John Kerry in 2004, it is only right that we unify the country by acclaiming, not voting, for the next president. Obama needs to know that he has the full support of every citizen of this nation, and that we will not tolerate any form of dissent of any kind.

If John McCain were half the honorable man he claims to be, he would concede now, before the election, and allow Obama to sweep into office unanimously, with the full backing of an all-Democratic congress to allow them to do the repairs to this leaky country that it so sorely needs.

To do otherwise is, dare we say it, unpatriotic.

World To End?

Scientists are warning the public that there is a very good chance that the world will end tomorrow, Wednesday, September 10, 2009. Sometime in the morning, two highly-charged particles will slam into each other, with implications that are impossible to precisely predict.

"We're expecting the end of life as we know it," said spokesman for the scientific group ALARM. "Worst-case scenarios include a black hole that sucks everything into it and Hell freezing over. Best-case is that Clinton agrees to help with the campaign, but since we don't have any early indications that Obama has hired a bunch of nubile interns we're pessimistic that this will be the outcome."

While many scientists have expressed confidence that the reaction will be fine, ALARM experts have been flooding the Internet with speculation that the situation is much less rosy.

"Obama is running out of steam, and he's forced to make a deal with the devil, only he just got finished beating the devil's wife, calling the devil a racist, and has a reputation for casting people aside the moment he's finished with them. You think Clinton will forgive and forget all that? If so, you're fooling yourself.

"That's why we expect disaster tomorrow. So eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we re-enter the Clinton Zone. It's like a black hole, only much, much more annoying."

I just think this is funny

Ed Driscoll likes to frequently reference the memory hole, that place where unpleasant stories go to die. But what happens when you have a political party that shoves everything down the memory hole, including much of its own past positions and ideas?

You end up with a page like this one on the DNC website, called "History of the Democratic National Convention." It's got some historical information, as well as a list of past convention cities. Below the list we find this footnote:

Source: CBS News

Don't you think the Democrats really ought to just know where all the conventions have been, without having to ask CBS News?

For some reason, this just strikes me as really funny.

Clinton Simply Following Obama Pattern?

New York's Junior Senator Hillary Clinton may have ended her 2008 presidential campaign last night by encouraging her supporters to acclaim Barack Obama the nominee, but make no mistake: she's following a template forged by the master politician himself.

"Think back to the 2004 convention, when the Democrats nominated their weakest candidate in a half-century," said a source at Politico. "Who delivered an electrifying address that catapulted him onto the national stage? An unknown Illinois politician with thin credentials and a far-left background named Barack Obama, that's who. Is there any reason to think that 2012 won't see history repeat itself?"

Though many were sad to see the end of what has been called "Donna Reed meets Cinderella meets Mr. Smith goes to Washington", Clinton Supporter Evelyn Millbanks put the loss into perspective. "Four more years of seasoning and accomplishments will definitely put her on the short list for 2012. After all, a dream deferred is still a dream, right?"

Pundits said that, while few rated her chances late last year, her campaign success has opened eyes to just how far a woman can go. "To come this far, and almost grab the brass ring, really shows you how far this country's advanced," said one commenter. "There's no shame to losing out to two political heavyweights like Barack Obama and Joe Biden, that's for sure. She can be proud of what she did."

Democratic VP Candidate Shocks Nation!

[Until we have a democratic VP candidate, I'm running one of these each day.]

Registrants on the Obama Warning System have just received the following text message, shocking supporters and opponents alike:

"VP: Ashton Kutcher!"

"It's a perfect choice," said an Obama strategist. "We need somebody who makes Obama look coherent without a teleprompter, and Ashton can certainly fit this need. Plus, he helps us shore up the youth vote, becuase kids love a good Ashton Kutcher romp."

Movie critics look forward to the convention video, which will doubtless be titled Dude, where's my bounce?

Democratic VP Candidate Shocks Nation!

[Until we have a democratic VP candidate, I'm running one of these each day.]

Registrants on the Obama Warning System have just received the following text message, shocking supporters and opponents alike:

"VP: Scarlett Johansson!"

Reporters swooned over what was quickly dubbed "the most beautiful ticket in generations" and "a match more perfect than Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers."

"They'll dance their way out of the convention and into our hearts," said a hard-bitten, cynical, New York Times reporter. "Finally someone has come to sweep away the cobwebs of bitterness and replace them with sunshiney rays of wholesome happiness."

A feeling of euphoria spread over the land, resulting in a major poll bounce for Obama, bringing him within 4 points of John McCain, or just outside what might be considered within the margin of error for the poll.

Democratic VP Candidate Shocks Nation!

[Until we have a democratic VP candidate, I'm running one of these each day.]

Registrants on the Obama Warning System have just received the following text message, shocking supporters and opponents alike:

"Prez: Hillary, VP: Obama!"

Hillary Clinton quickly swooped to make it official, declaring that "I am pleased to have finally taken the proper position atop the ticket, where I so truly belong. The democratic party is now unified, and any attempt to modify this arrangement should lead to riots and bloodshed that will destroy the tattered remnants of this once-grand political mainstay."

For his part, Obama calmly accepted his demotion to vice president. "It's where I belong, really," he beatifically told supporters. "I just got outmaneuvered, again, by somebody who spent eight years worrying about keeping the Israeli and the Saudi Arabian delegates seated at separate tables. Do you really want me as your president?"

John McCain, out of great respect for Hillary Clinton, announced that he plans to withdraw from the race. "I said it'd be the politest race in history, and what is more polite than a gentleman stepping aside for a lady?"

In related news, John Edwards mentioned that his wife still has cancer and that, for her sake, he should be considered a viable candidate for an important post in the Clinton-Obama cabinet.

Bombshell Allegations Threaten to Sink McCain

For the second consecutive presidential election, a candidate's war record has come under fire from those who served with him. This time, however, it is the Republican candidate who will have to answer serious charges about how he really spent the war.

The charges, which are dubbed "Swift Boat 2: The Revenge" after the scandal that sunk John Kerry's presidential bid in 2004, have been circulating for weeks in the blogosphere but have recently caught nationwide traction following advanced publication of excerpts from a damning book titled "Industrial Light and McCainiacs: the Real Story of the Hanoi Hilton."

Written by noted POW expert Colonel Robert E. Hogan, the book is set to be published in September just after the conventions. The book was slated for publication much earlier but was derailed by the untimely death of Hogan in what some have called a government hit job calculated to look like an ordinary death by influenza and falling down stairs onto several knives and at least three bullets.

Hogan's book alleges that McCain's captivity was actually fabricated by the US government in order to create "the perfect political candidate to prevent any outsiders from ever challenging the establishment and taking the presidency." This candidate, John McCain, would only be used in very limited circumstances, such as the accession of a minority to the presidency or the potential return of liberalism, which the government previously prevented by the assassination of the Kennedy twins.

Hogan's research showed that McCain and his captors, rather than being held in the steamy jungles near Hanoi , were in fact captive on the island of Molokai . While the other prisoners believed they were in a Vietnamese prison, McCain knew the truth, and his long periods in "solitary" were actually spent reading and playing ping-pong in the Officer's Mess.

Many have speculated that this is why he recently stole a Soltzenietsen anecdote as his own, and that his limp is due to slipping on a shuffleboard disc, which, unlike most normal people, he was a fan of long before he became an elderly person.

The retired army Colonel also provides a photograph showing that the head jailer of the reputed prison was, in fact, played by Pat Morita. The photo was declared "true and accurate" by an independent research company, Mapes/Rather Investigative Services.

"The worst injury John McCain suffered in the war was tennis elbow," said a spokesman for the book. "Colonel Hogan proved this, and that's the reason that the government had him killed. But the truth must out, so we're doing our part to let people know what kind of vile man John McCain really is."

But not everyone is convinced. Right-wing sites have been spreading misinformation about the book, particularly by defaming its author. "Everybody knows that Hogan was a pervert," said one angry commenter on the right-wing hate site CNN.com. "He caught bird flu at a chicken orgy and was convicted six times of public indecency with farm animals!"

Democratic Chairman Howard Dean emerged from hiding, where he was hoping the election would not collapse into failure and prove his incompetence, to demand that McCain address the charges. "John McCain needs to come clean with the American people and prove that he didn't actually spend those years in captivity in Hawaii and that there's no gigantic, secret conspiracy that has destroyed every shred of evidence to the contrary. If he can't do that, then he's not fit to lead this country."

Barack Obama, the probable Democratic nominee for president, called the issue "a distraction from the real issues" and called on McCain to "answer them fully and completely with corroborating evidence and faultless timelines so we can focus on debating the future of this nation."

Democratic VP Candidate Shocks Nation!

[Until we have a democratic VP candidate, I'm running one of these each day.]

Registrants on the Obama Warning System have just received the following text message, shocking supporters and opponents alike:

"VP: Hugo Chavez!"

"It's the perfect choice!" cooed an Obama supporter. "He speaks Spanish, has loads of executive experience, is internationally known, and loves America even more than Barack does. They're the perfect team!"

John McCain called the pair "an axis of evil" because he is hopelessly out of date with today's hip youth culture, which would really have preferred to hear them dissed as being "not hizzle with the schnizzle."

In related news, John Edwards mentioned that his wife still has cancer and that, for her sake, he should be considered a viable candidate for an important post in the Obama-Chavez cabinet.

The McCainiacs

We’ve already looked at a potential Obama cabinet. But what about the possible cabinet for the Maverick?

We can assume that he’ll want people like him, who have a strong moral compass, like to antagonize their allies, and insist they’re pure despite immersing themselves in pseudo-scandals. Where can you find people like this?

In cop movies, of course.

Sec. Defense: Axel Foley
It’s clear that the old-fashioned “do what we want or we’ll blow you up” style of SecDef doesn’t work. Just ask Donald Rumsfeld. So we need a new approach. And wouldn’t you prefer to see the US put bananas in Iran’s tailpipes to shut down their economy rather than raining cluster bombs down on them? I’m sure Iran would.


Attorney General: Judge Dredd
Dredd’s signature phrase, “I am the law”, will put him in good standing with the current standard of judicial thinking, which holds itself accountable to no one.



HUD: Adrian Monk
I’d just like to see Monk use his mind powers to help figure out a way to make his native city not a volatile mix of the militant homeless and uber-rich neo-socialists. After that he can go to work on the rest of the country.

Sec. of Energy: Max Walker (from Timecop)
I don’t know what they use to power the time machine, but I’ll bet it’s fission or solar wind or boob jiggle or something. He’d be a big help to us, I’m sure, so long as you don’t let him touch himself.

Sec. of the Interior: Jack Taggart (Fire Down Below)
In addition to being committed to the well-being of the environment, the interior of Taggart has almost quadrupled over the past ten years. So we have a candidate here who has both interest and experience. You can’t go wrong with that.

Sec. of Commerce: Agent Smith
Who knows the intertubes better than Agent Smith? Nobody, that’s who. Okay, it is true that he has this whole mavericky streak about wanting to enslave humanity to use them as living batteries for his mainframe master. But it’s not like he’s torturing them, or discriminating against illegals, or anything like that.


Vice President: Rita Rizzoli (Fatal Beauty)
If the presidential election is like a high-stakes poker game, then this move would be McCain’s way of saying to Democrats “I’ll see your minority, and raise you a minority.”


Sec. of Veteran’s Affairs: Roger Murtaugh
Even though he’s just one day from retirement, I’m sure that he’ll stick around to help correct the numerous problems in the VA hospitals and other services for our wounded warriors. As a plus, he has experience dealing with mentally unstable former vets, which I understand describes 78% of all Iraq War returnees. The other 22% are, of course, in prison.

Sec. of Homeland Security: John McClain
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I think of vigorous homeland security, I think of this guy killing a bunch of Germans who were trying to take over a skyscraper. I know some people might be worried about his volatile temper, but this is the guy I want out there in the night protecting me from bad people.


Director of Drug Control Policy: McBain
Who knows more about Mendoza’s nefarious network of drug smugglers and hit men than McBain, who has been pursuing him for years? With all the resources of the Federal government behind him, McBain might finally be able to make traction in the War on Drugs, now entering its twentieth year.

Chariman of the Federal Reserve: Sonny Crocket
How is it that a Miami vice cop lives in an oceanfront condo, wears expensive suits, drives expensive cars, and dates supermodels? I don’t know, but put this guy in charge of the money. The only problem is that the US Treasurer might end up getting kidnapped all the time, just like the rest of his girlfriends.


Director of National Intelligence: Jack Cates
Okay, it is true that he didn’t figure out who the Iceman was despite numerous clues and the sinister background music, but we all learn from our mistakes, right? The only problem is his laissez-faire attitude about torture might not jive with McCain.

Ambience is Everything

I found this story about John McCain’s VP search coordinator hilarious. Not so much for the story itself, but for the hard work that went into forging an atmosphere of secrecy and back-door dealings to make you scared of the eventual selection.

So let’s just take this story to its ultimate denouement, shall we? Because I hate things that are half-done.

SMOKEY ROOM, Washington: A sinister cabal loyal to John McCain continues to labor in secret to find the perfect running mate for the volcanically-tempered former POW, whose Navy career consisted of crashing planes and being captured by the enemy.

The clique is headed by Arthur B. Culvahouse, Jr, a lawyer famous inside the beltway for his work as a tight-lipped, high-flying, corporate troubleshooter, akin to films such as “The Firm” or “Michael Clayton.”

In the past he has represented giant firms that acted against the interests of the American people. Now, he’s slinking about Washington, skulking in the halls of power intent on doing more damage to the very fiber of the Republic.

Few are privy to the clandestine details of the machinations of this junta, but it is certain that they seek only to slake the dark thirst of their master for power over the American people, and possible prolongation of an unjust war that has cost countless lives.

Compare this villainy to Barack Obama’s “Sunlight Search,” which has been carried on in the open and is more of an independent self-directed team looking for a moon to properly reflect the benevolent light from the Democratic candidate.

The open-minded Obama has declared that his VP search team “works for no one” and is willing to accept the assistance of anyone, even allowing reformed sinners like Jim Johnson to help search for his eventual running mate.

The other key members of his team are an experienced political operative and the famous daughter of America’s royal family, the Kennedys. It is hoped that soon they will announce the candidate who gets to bask in Obama’s warming glowing warming glow.

However, no such announcement will be forthcoming from the black hole of the McCain camp, which may not announce their running mate until after the election. Rumors, as yet unconfirmed, are that possible candidates include Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, and Beelzebub, Dark Lord of the Pit.

Obama’s Kitschy Cabinet

We’ve all shared a good laugh at Obama’s potential Sec. of State Winnie the Pooh. But who else might he choose from the world of cartoons to fill out his cabinet? Based on what we know of Obama, I’d say we might expect the following:

Sec. Defense: Eric, Cavalier, Dungeons and Dragons
He seems to fit all of the requisite Obama patterns: emphasizes defense over offense, is young, has no experience, is an utter coward, and succeeds despite his own overwhelming incompetence. The only negative here is that he might overshadow Obama himself, and that would be bad. You don’t eclipse the sun, baby.

Attorney General: Tenderheart Bear, Care Bear
I can’t imagine that in Obama’s America we’d waste our time chasing after mobsters and drug dealers, but I can well imagine that we’d get those nasty people who spread hate and discontent taken care of (like the religious right and gun nuts). And that’s really what the Care Bears were all about, wasn’t it? It’s not that some people are bad; they’re just misguided, and after a good Care Bear Stare they’ll be straightened out and start singing kumbayah.

HUD: Bob the Builder
Listen, he’s gotta reward Bob with something after stealing his catch phrase. So why not this? Bob likes to build, so this seems like a good fit with his talents. Who else is he gonna pick, Jimmy Carter?




Sec. of Energy: Captain Planet
It took all five of the power rings to bring Captain Planet forth, and one of them is in the hands of the Russians. So, like Europe, we’d be in thrall to a chinless doofus for all our energy needs. Hey, that’s being international, right?

Sec. of Commerce: Wimpy, from Popeye
Wimpy would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. This dovetails well with Obama’s grasp of economics and markets: he’ll gladly pay Tuesday for a massive social welfare program today.





Sec. of the Interior: Ent, from Lord of the Rings
Enough of this memo BS to cut down on logging and environmentally-damaging activity. If Obama can convince this guy to mobilize thousands of trees to enter the forest and destroy logging equipment, so much the better.

Vice President: The Watcher
The Watcher pretty much fills in every gap that Obama needs: for every month of Obama’s experience, the Watcher has centuries. He’s a Caucasian male that comes from a very rural background (the Moon), so he can connect with those bitter rednecks that keep rejecting Obama. And he sits around with his thumb up his ass all the time doing nothing, having taken a vow of nonintervention, meaning that his foreign-policy goals dovetail nicely with Obama’s.

Sec. of Veteran’s Affairs: Big Gun, from The Tick
This guy pretty much typifies the Democratic view of former vets, I think.

Sec. of Homeland Security: Destro, from GI Joe
When it’s revealed that Destro is in fact an arms dealer who promotes world chaos, Obama will call it a distraction and say it’s not important. Then there will be further revelations, followed by his ultimate removal “to help keep the administration focus on underinsured kids.” Then, Obama will nominate Cobra Commander for this post.

Director of Drug Control Policy: Fritz the Cat
As we slump into a second coming of the 60’s-era sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, I say just sit back and enjoy the entropy

Chariman of the Federal Reserve: Starlight, My little pony
Don’t laugh: those fluorescent-colored ponies are a money machine. And isn’t the Fed’s job to print money even when there isn’t any? It’s something like that, I think. Like Obama, I can’t be bothered to learn anything about the economy.




Director of National Intelligence: Inspector Gadget
Who better to help modernize our antiquated intelligence-gathering than Inspector Gadget? Unfortunately, without Penny or his long-suffering dog, the bumbling Gadget will likely wind up failing to keep us safe from the likes of Dr. Claw.



[Lest I be accused of being partisan, we’ll take a look at McCain’s later this week]

Obama VP Candidate

While others focus on the traditional nominees for VP for Obama, I remind you that he is a sweepingly grand orator who inspires messianic fantasies in his followers. What he needs is a VP candidate that can bring experience to the table. Like McCain, Obama will not feel hide-bound by conventional rules.

With that in mind let’s take a look at who his VP candidate could be:

The Ghost of Christmas Past
Pros: Will help heal the fractured soul of the Democratic Party, split as it is on the rocky shores of identity politics. Once proposed and passed a law. Has contacts with the Ghost of Christmas Present, a party boy well-known for his ability on the campaign trail.
Cons: Vincent Foster and RFK references will not make for a comfortable four years for President Obama.
Chances: Pretty good, if you assume Obama has an intern chaperone and a food taster.

Dennis Kucinich
Pros: Snagged himself a hottie despite the fact that he looks like the son of a troll doll and a lawn gnome. So he’s got something going for him.
Cons: It ain’t genius, because he’s a flaming moron.
Chances: Good, if Obama wants someone to make him look more centrist. Bad if Obama wants to actually win the election.


Nancy Pelosi
Pros: Would get her disastrous leadership out of congress and into an impotent position where her catastrophically bad leadership would not damage the party or the country any further.
Cons: The last time a major party did this, they wound up pairing Tippecanoe with Tyler. Thirty days later, Harrison died, Tyler took over, and this led to the secession of Texas from Mexico, which is where George Bush came from.
Chances: Good, if Obama wants to guarantee that the US ends up annexing a rebellious province of Canada (lake Ottawa) that will eventually spawn a Christofascist warmonger. Otherwise bad: why taint himself with her?

John McCain
Pros: Judging from talk radio and conservative blogs, is essentially an older, crankier, less charismatic version of Obama. With decades and decades of service.
Cons: Is the other nominee, but scuttlebutt says he’s available.
Chances: At the rate McCain is alienating GOP members, fair to middling.

Joe Lieberman
Pros: Can help solidify this whole “I love Israel even though all my advisors hate them” thing that Obama has going on.
Cons: Is a warmongering Zionist.
Chances: Not so good now that Lieberman is bad-mouthing Obama.


Porky Pigg
Pros: Years of service, including in the military (most famously in 1943’s That’s All, Hitler!). Well-known and beloved movie icon. Love of public nudity and lack of obvious genitalia will appeal to transgendered and nudist constituencies. Speech problems will appeal to the disabled.
Cons: Is a cartoon; of course, much of Obama’s appeal is cartoonish, so this is not a show-stopper.
Chances: Poor. Jews are already suspicious of Obama, and Porky is definitely not Kosher.

Keith Olbermann
Pros: Went above and beyond the call of duty savaging Hillary Clinton while other press members were still in thrall to her by leading the way to calling her a “f***ing whore.” Only major press member to speculate about assassinating his rivals instead of him. Has the most watched show on MSNBC.
Cons: Having the most-watched show on MSNBC is like being the youngest person in a nursing home: nothing to brag about.
Chances: Poor. MSNBC can’t afford to lose him.

Ghost Ghandi
Pros: One of the few beatific Lightworkers whose spiritual goodness can hold up favorably to Obama. His stance on non-violent resistance tracks well with Obama’s feelings on war and conflict. Essentially told the Jews they didn’t die in sufficient enough numbers during the Holocaust.
Cons: Is not a US citizen and therefore not eligible for the office of president. Has been dead fifty years.
Chances: Great, if Ben Kingsley will agree to play him for four years.

Jimmy Carter
Pros: Still has one term of service left. Views on Israel are similar to those of other advisors whose views Obama didn’t know until they uttered something horrible in public.
Cons: “Two Carters for the price of one!” probably won’t bring in many voters.
Chances: Superb, since Obama seems to want to have gas shortages and thus complete our “return to the 70’s.”

Earth: the Ultimate MILF
Pros: Hot, hot hot!
Cons: Spends all her time whoring around with Al Gore. Rumored to have gone to third base with John McCain. Largest constituency includes Europeans, who are worthless for anything other than finger-wagging.
Chances: Generally concepts are unable to run for office. This has not yet stopped Obama, though.

Captain Powerpoint
Pros: Has experience claiming votes were rigged and implying that a sinister cabal cheated him out of an election. Turned some home-movie slides into an Oscar. Won a Noble Peace Prize.
Cons: More wooden than the totem pole he has stuck up his butt.
Chances: Zero. Gore’s already running for worldwide messiah; why would he want to be vice-messiah of the US?

Candidate GPS Systems

Lots of self-improvement books talk about your “internal compass.” But let’s face it: in this age of satellites and cell phones, compasses are about as useful as a multijewel sextant.

And unless you’re going to Antiques Roadshow or really, really kinky, a multijewel sextant is just not that useful.

However, using an advanced analytical tool that I like to call “making stuff up”, I have managed to synthesize how the two candidate’s internal GPS systems have directed them through the grueling primaries to achieve the ultimate nominations of their parties.

Obama’s Internal GPS Directions for the Nomination:
Optimal Vehicle: Renault Hope 4X4 High-Clearance All-Inclusive Minivan with rainbow-accented exterior paint and optional Black Power interior included.

1) At Speechification Street, turn left.
2) Drive over Tony Rezko.
3) Turn left at Radical Pointe.
4) Drive quickly around William Ayers. Do not make eye contact and be careful not to accept any packages from him.
5) At Platitude Junction, turn left.
6) Drive over Samantha Powers.
7) Continue on towards Vague Valley, then turn left.
8) In six hundred meters, drive over grandma.
9) After grandma, turn left towards Dissembly Bay.
10) Jog slightly right to drive over Reverend Wright.
11) After Reverend Wright, turn left again at Regret Ranch
12) Head on towards Father Pflegler.
13) Drive over Father Pflegler
14) Veer sharply left to also drive over Trinity Church.
15) Take the first left onto Not Who I Knew Drive
16) At Identity Way, turn left and drive over Hillary Clinton.
17) After Hillary Clinton, turn left.
18) Continue straight on, driving towards Jim Johnson.
19) When you get to Johnson, you will drive over him.
20) When in doubt, turn left.

McCain’s Internal GPS Directions for the Nomination:
Optimal Vehicle: 1943 US Army Jeep, with rear-mounted right-facing machine gun and two different license plates: “BIGRINO” and “ILUVDEMS,” just in case you need to make a quick switch. Includes “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Gore” bumper sticker.

1) *@&%$ Republicans!
2) Turn left at Pander Place.
3) Throw candy to the Hispanic lobby as you pass.
4) Promise candy to the Fence lobby.
5) *@&%$ Republicans!
6) Feint right at Debate Way.
7) Once you’ve passed Huckabee and Romney, signal right, but stay in the lefthand lane.
8) At Immigration Alley, take a HARD LEFT.
9) Stay left. *@&%$ Republicans!
10) Stay in the center lane in the Economic Quarter (the streets here are too confusing to navigate, so you may want to hire a guide).
11) *@&%$ Republicans!
12) Stop at Surge Street whenever possible.
13) Stay at Surge Street Hotel until elections.
14) If you must leave Surge Street Hotel, take a left towards Gaia Square.
15) At Gaia Square be sure to switch your engine off and trim the economy, if the *@&%$ Republicans will let you.
16) *@&%$ Republicans!
17) Signal right near the elections.
18) Stay in the lefthand lane.
19) *@&%$ Republicans!

Ode to Obama

I have penned an ode to Barack Obama which, if not fully canonizing just how wonderful he really is, at least does a passable job of praising him without devolving into flights of fancy like some people have done lately.

It’s to the tune of “Little Drummer Boy.”

Come, they said to me,
Come vote for Barack!

He is the man who’ll win,
Come vote for Barack!

I cast my vote for him,
My vote for Barack!

He’ll lift us up from Sin,
So vote for Barack!
Vote for Barack!
Vote for Barack!

He can solve Iraq,
So vote for Barack!

Peace in our times we’ll find,
If we vote for Barack!

The Clintons are all gone,
So vote for Barack!

McCain’s a toothless thug,
So vote for Barack!
Vote for Barack!
Vote for Barack!

I cast my vote for him,
In several states!

My granny votes for him,
She died in ‘78!

If he doesn’t win then we will
Take to the streets!

Democracy only works,
If we get a piece!
We get a piece!
We get a piece!

If you’re not racist,
Then vote for Barack!

He’s got the holy vibe,
So vote for Barack!

It’s not every day,
You vote for your god!

Barack is just that great,
So go shut your yob!
Vote for Barack!
Vote for Barack!

Do you understand?
You’ll vote for Barack!

Or I’ll break your back!

NYT: Republicans to Cut California Delegation

The New York Times reported today that the Republicans, led by nominee John McCain, will cut the California delegation to the GOP National Convention by half. According to insiders, the move is necessary to “punish California” for a variety of liberal stances on issues like abortion and gay marriage.

One party insider, who declined to be named because he didn’t want McCain to fly into one of his famous irrational rages, said that the debate was carried largely by McCain’s forceful personality and prolific use of swear words.

“He said, ‘tell California to go f*** themselves, because they never f***ing vote for the Republican anyway. If they don’t like it, they can go back to f***ing their a**es like they like down there, the f***ing f***ers.’ I was really shocked, because I hadn’t heard that kind of language since the last time I saw a David Mamet play.”

Political analysts said the move was intended to shore up the Republican base with a candidate that is largely seen as being out of control. One analyst said that “he’s hoping that the Limbaugh Republicans, that large segment of the party one step removed from the KKK, will respond favorably to this and come out in November to help him win the uneducated hamlets and hill towns of Arkansas and Mississippi.”

NYT editors called the move “unprecedented” and “a move to needlessly disenfranchise and agitate Californians. It shows, once again, why the cool reserve of Barack OBama is necessary to lead this great country forward. His magnanimous decision to allow Florida and Michigan half their delegations shows he has the right temperament to lead this country back to credibility.”