Ambience is Everything

I found this story about John McCain’s VP search coordinator hilarious. Not so much for the story itself, but for the hard work that went into forging an atmosphere of secrecy and back-door dealings to make you scared of the eventual selection.

So let’s just take this story to its ultimate denouement, shall we? Because I hate things that are half-done.

SMOKEY ROOM, Washington: A sinister cabal loyal to John McCain continues to labor in secret to find the perfect running mate for the volcanically-tempered former POW, whose Navy career consisted of crashing planes and being captured by the enemy.

The clique is headed by Arthur B. Culvahouse, Jr, a lawyer famous inside the beltway for his work as a tight-lipped, high-flying, corporate troubleshooter, akin to films such as “The Firm” or “Michael Clayton.”

In the past he has represented giant firms that acted against the interests of the American people. Now, he’s slinking about Washington, skulking in the halls of power intent on doing more damage to the very fiber of the Republic.

Few are privy to the clandestine details of the machinations of this junta, but it is certain that they seek only to slake the dark thirst of their master for power over the American people, and possible prolongation of an unjust war that has cost countless lives.

Compare this villainy to Barack Obama’s “Sunlight Search,” which has been carried on in the open and is more of an independent self-directed team looking for a moon to properly reflect the benevolent light from the Democratic candidate.

The open-minded Obama has declared that his VP search team “works for no one” and is willing to accept the assistance of anyone, even allowing reformed sinners like Jim Johnson to help search for his eventual running mate.

The other key members of his team are an experienced political operative and the famous daughter of America’s royal family, the Kennedys. It is hoped that soon they will announce the candidate who gets to bask in Obama’s warming glowing warming glow.

However, no such announcement will be forthcoming from the black hole of the McCain camp, which may not announce their running mate until after the election. Rumors, as yet unconfirmed, are that possible candidates include Mitt Romney, Bobby Jindal, and Beelzebub, Dark Lord of the Pit.