Monday, June 23, 2008

Obama’s Kitschy Cabinet

We’ve all shared a good laugh at Obama’s potential Sec. of State Winnie the Pooh. But who else might he choose from the world of cartoons to fill out his cabinet? Based on what we know of Obama, I’d say we might expect the following:

Sec. Defense: Eric, Cavalier, Dungeons and Dragons
He seems to fit all of the requisite Obama patterns: emphasizes defense over offense, is young, has no experience, is an utter coward, and succeeds despite his own overwhelming incompetence. The only negative here is that he might overshadow Obama himself, and that would be bad. You don’t eclipse the sun, baby.

Attorney General: Tenderheart Bear, Care Bear
I can’t imagine that in Obama’s America we’d waste our time chasing after mobsters and drug dealers, but I can well imagine that we’d get those nasty people who spread hate and discontent taken care of (like the religious right and gun nuts). And that’s really what the Care Bears were all about, wasn’t it? It’s not that some people are bad; they’re just misguided, and after a good Care Bear Stare they’ll be straightened out and start singing kumbayah.

HUD: Bob the Builder
Listen, he’s gotta reward Bob with something after stealing his catch phrase. So why not this? Bob likes to build, so this seems like a good fit with his talents. Who else is he gonna pick, Jimmy Carter?

Sec. of Energy: Captain Planet
It took all five of the power rings to bring Captain Planet forth, and one of them is in the hands of the Russians. So, like Europe, we’d be in thrall to a chinless doofus for all our energy needs. Hey, that’s being international, right?

Sec. of Commerce: Wimpy, from Popeye
Wimpy would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. This dovetails well with Obama’s grasp of economics and markets: he’ll gladly pay Tuesday for a massive social welfare program today.

Sec. of the Interior: Ent, from Lord of the Rings
Enough of this memo BS to cut down on logging and environmentally-damaging activity. If Obama can convince this guy to mobilize thousands of trees to enter the forest and destroy logging equipment, so much the better.

Vice President: The Watcher
The Watcher pretty much fills in every gap that Obama needs: for every month of Obama’s experience, the Watcher has centuries. He’s a Caucasian male that comes from a very rural background (the Moon), so he can connect with those bitter rednecks that keep rejecting Obama. And he sits around with his thumb up his ass all the time doing nothing, having taken a vow of nonintervention, meaning that his foreign-policy goals dovetail nicely with Obama’s.

Sec. of Veteran’s Affairs: Big Gun, from The Tick
This guy pretty much typifies the Democratic view of former vets, I think.

Sec. of Homeland Security: Destro, from GI Joe
When it’s revealed that Destro is in fact an arms dealer who promotes world chaos, Obama will call it a distraction and say it’s not important. Then there will be further revelations, followed by his ultimate removal “to help keep the administration focus on underinsured kids.” Then, Obama will nominate Cobra Commander for this post.

Director of Drug Control Policy: Fritz the Cat
As we slump into a second coming of the 60’s-era sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, I say just sit back and enjoy the entropy

Chariman of the Federal Reserve: Starlight, My little pony
Don’t laugh: those fluorescent-colored ponies are a money machine. And isn’t the Fed’s job to print money even when there isn’t any? It’s something like that, I think. Like Obama, I can’t be bothered to learn anything about the economy.

Director of National Intelligence: Inspector Gadget
Who better to help modernize our antiquated intelligence-gathering than Inspector Gadget? Unfortunately, without Penny or his long-suffering dog, the bumbling Gadget will likely wind up failing to keep us safe from the likes of Dr. Claw.

[Lest I be accused of being partisan, we’ll take a look at McCain’s later this week]

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