FDA Tightens Rules on Tightening Cream

The FDA today announced new rules dictating that tightening cream would only be available by prescription, responding to a rash of highly-publicized incidents that have left several men severely disfigured.

Tightening cream, typically marketed under names such as Dr. Feelgood’s Hymen Renewal and Snatch-B-Small, is described as a method to “make every time feel like the first time.” But it has also found use among women whose lovers are afflicted with the medical condition known as Micropenis.

The problem starts when women, using the standard medical theory of “one dose good, two doses better” overdose on the cream. The excess cream then ends up on their lover, further exacerbating the condition. In one notorious case in Arizona paramedics had to perform an emergency tracheotomy to prevent suffocation after oral sex.

In another well-publicized case, Atlanta resident James Carter actually lost 92% of his penis and ended up with “something that looked like a belly button” between his legs. His wife later went lesbian and he sued the cream’s manufacturer, HotLippz, but lost owing to “clear warnings that this stuff was dangerous.”

“You’re not supposed to slather that much on!” said a company spokeswoman. “I’m sorry that Mr. Carter’s dickless, but it was a preexisting condition and had nothing to do with our products.”

The new regulations require that tightening cream only be available via prescription to women whose husbands are afflicted with Micropenis, or the tiny fraction of women who suffer from Megavag, the rare affliction that caused the breakdown in Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg’s relationship.
Public health advocates labeled it “a victory for sexual safety everywhere.”