Bowing to pressure from several online Vegan groups, which called the Democratic primary system “dedicated to brain stems like misogynists are dedicated to penises” and decried the lack of voting for lower-order animals such as reptiles and insects, DNC chair Howard Dean announced today that the Democratic primary between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton would be opened to allow the vote of “all living creatures which creep across this Earth.”
“Is that good enough yet?” Dean asked rhetorically at a press conference. “Any more aggrieved groups out there that want to bitch about needing a vote? NYYEAAARGH!”
Both Clinton and Obama agreed that they had no idea how the vote would turn out, but each suggested the other begin by polling the crocodiles.
Dean said that he hoped this satisfied the various special-interest groups, since “the party of inclusiveness now represents the wishes and desires of the Western Hemisphere regardless of nation of origin, our key European allies who have been close to us through war and peace, the indigenous peoples of Africa to whom we are indebted, our fellow warm-blooded mammals throughout the world, and now cold-blooded and insect animals which are little more than splotches on the highways but deserve a vote, just like Ohioans.”