Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The McCainiacs

We’ve already looked at a potential Obama cabinet. But what about the possible cabinet for the Maverick?

We can assume that he’ll want people like him, who have a strong moral compass, like to antagonize their allies, and insist they’re pure despite immersing themselves in pseudo-scandals. Where can you find people like this?

In cop movies, of course.

Sec. Defense: Axel Foley
It’s clear that the old-fashioned “do what we want or we’ll blow you up” style of SecDef doesn’t work. Just ask Donald Rumsfeld. So we need a new approach. And wouldn’t you prefer to see the US put bananas in Iran’s tailpipes to shut down their economy rather than raining cluster bombs down on them? I’m sure Iran would.

Attorney General: Judge Dredd
Dredd’s signature phrase, “I am the law”, will put him in good standing with the current standard of judicial thinking, which holds itself accountable to no one.

HUD: Adrian Monk
I’d just like to see Monk use his mind powers to help figure out a way to make his native city not a volatile mix of the militant homeless and uber-rich neo-socialists. After that he can go to work on the rest of the country.

Sec. of Energy: Max Walker (from Timecop)
I don’t know what they use to power the time machine, but I’ll bet it’s fission or solar wind or boob jiggle or something. He’d be a big help to us, I’m sure, so long as you don’t let him touch himself.

Sec. of the Interior: Jack Taggart (Fire Down Below)
In addition to being committed to the well-being of the environment, the interior of Taggart has almost quadrupled over the past ten years. So we have a candidate here who has both interest and experience. You can’t go wrong with that.

Sec. of Commerce: Agent Smith
Who knows the intertubes better than Agent Smith? Nobody, that’s who. Okay, it is true that he has this whole mavericky streak about wanting to enslave humanity to use them as living batteries for his mainframe master. But it’s not like he’s torturing them, or discriminating against illegals, or anything like that.

Vice President: Rita Rizzoli (Fatal Beauty)
If the presidential election is like a high-stakes poker game, then this move would be McCain’s way of saying to Democrats “I’ll see your minority, and raise you a minority.”

Sec. of Veteran’s Affairs: Roger Murtaugh
Even though he’s just one day from retirement, I’m sure that he’ll stick around to help correct the numerous problems in the VA hospitals and other services for our wounded warriors. As a plus, he has experience dealing with mentally unstable former vets, which I understand describes 78% of all Iraq War returnees. The other 22% are, of course, in prison.

Sec. of Homeland Security: John McClain
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I think of vigorous homeland security, I think of this guy killing a bunch of Germans who were trying to take over a skyscraper. I know some people might be worried about his volatile temper, but this is the guy I want out there in the night protecting me from bad people.

Director of Drug Control Policy: McBain
Who knows more about Mendoza’s nefarious network of drug smugglers and hit men than McBain, who has been pursuing him for years? With all the resources of the Federal government behind him, McBain might finally be able to make traction in the War on Drugs, now entering its twentieth year.

Chariman of the Federal Reserve: Sonny Crocket
How is it that a Miami vice cop lives in an oceanfront condo, wears expensive suits, drives expensive cars, and dates supermodels? I don’t know, but put this guy in charge of the money. The only problem is that the US Treasurer might end up getting kidnapped all the time, just like the rest of his girlfriends.

Director of National Intelligence: Jack Cates
Okay, it is true that he didn’t figure out who the Iceman was despite numerous clues and the sinister background music, but we all learn from our mistakes, right? The only problem is his laissez-faire attitude about torture might not jive with McCain.

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