The Great Safe Robbery

While other, sloppier writers have focused on the New England Patriots as possible culprits in the theft of a clutch of NY Giant Superbowl rings from a Massachusetts jewelry store, I remain doubtful that such a bunch of bunglers could carry off such a sophisticated heist.

Sneak into the store undetected, get the roof cut open, and get the safe free, yes. But then the crane would short out and the entire operation would collapse into a mass of failure, with ESPN’s Sportsguy writing a column comparing it to watching Screetch trying to hack into his report card before rushing out to do a porno with Jessie.

So I’m going to highlight other possible suspects, because it’s always the people you least suspect. Not me, though. I always suspect the correct people first:

Tiki Barber
Pop quiz: who is more bitter about the Giants winning the Super Bowl, a team that averages two SB rings a piece, or a guy who played his whole career, rode his mouth out of town, tore up the team all off-season and during the beginning of the season, only to find himself replaced like a flat tire and labeled as “unnecessary” by his teammates and his town? This guy’s so bitter that he probably has a gun stored in his bible.

Seattle Seahawks
From a Seattle point of view, stolen rings from SB XLII are just as legitimate as the rings that Pittsburgh stole in SB XL. Besides, with New York police distracted by $5,000-a-night hooker investigations, what’s the likelihood they’ll come all the way across the country for a few rings? Pretty remote.

George Steinbrenner
When you’re a megalomaniac, things make sense to you that other people charitably define as crazy. So why wouldn’t Steinbrenner, who has spent over a billion dollars fruitlessly chasing a World Series title over the last 8 seasons, see stealing Super Bowl rings as totally legitimate? Plus, with New England around to take the heat, he figures he’ll get away scot-free.

Dallas Cowboys
If I learned one thing from “The Usual Suspects” it’s that when you gather a bunch of arch-criminals in one place, you’re begging for something big to go off. And with Tony Romo around to honk away their chances of legitimately earning a ring in Dallas, it’s no wonder that they turned to what they know best. Just wait: I’ll bet police find a G-String or a bandoleer in the jewelry store.

Hillary Clinton
Go easy on her in sentencing; it’s likely the only major award she’ll win this year. And Mitt Romney may have provided material assistance in planning and executing the heist.

Vladimir Putin
Already stole a Super Bowl ring? Check. Brazen thug? Check. Irrational? Check. Routinely murders those who criticize him? Check.