Bowing to pressure from PETA, who called the Democratic primary system “species-ism of the highest order and the first step to animal genocide”, DNC chair Howard Dean announced today that the Democratic primary between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be expanded to include animals, both domestic and wild, throughout the United States. Zoo animals from countries with eligible primaries would also be allowed to fill in absentee ballots in their home countries.
Dean announced via e-mail that “The Democratic party is not just the party of the so-called higher order animals, but is also the party of the dog, the rat, and all of the animals in the world. It is only correct that humans and animals work together on the issues confronting us today, such as rising fuel costs and Global Warming. In this way, all our species can continue to live on this lovely blue globe we call Earth.”
Hillary Clinton hailed the news as “finally enfranchising those long-forgotten fellow-travelers” and immediately sent Spot out onto the campaign trail. She told an audience of ducks in Michigan that “when I am president, we won’t be talking about hunting quotas, we’ll be talking about criminal charges for those camouflage-wearing barbarians who slaughter your families.”
Barack Obama decried the move as “a stunt to try to keep the campaign of Hillary Clinton alive.” Speaking from a fishing tournament, where he lost six lures and capsized two boats, Obama said that “I can’t see any reason to allow animals to vote, since they don’t have any money. So this just doesn’t seem sensible to me.”
Dean said that he hoped this signaled the end of the primaries, since “the party of inclusiveness now adequately represents the wishes and desires of the Western Hemisphere regardless of nation of origin, our key European allies, who have been close to us during both war and peace, the indigenous peoples of Africa to whom we are indebted, and now our fellow warm-blooded mammals throughout the world.”