Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Candidate GPS Systems

Lots of self-improvement books talk about your “internal compass.” But let’s face it: in this age of satellites and cell phones, compasses are about as useful as a multijewel sextant.

And unless you’re going to Antiques Roadshow or really, really kinky, a multijewel sextant is just not that useful.

However, using an advanced analytical tool that I like to call “making stuff up”, I have managed to synthesize how the two candidate’s internal GPS systems have directed them through the grueling primaries to achieve the ultimate nominations of their parties.

Obama’s Internal GPS Directions for the Nomination:
Optimal Vehicle: Renault Hope 4X4 High-Clearance All-Inclusive Minivan with rainbow-accented exterior paint and optional Black Power interior included.

1) At Speechification Street, turn left.
2) Drive over Tony Rezko.
3) Turn left at Radical Pointe.
4) Drive quickly around William Ayers. Do not make eye contact and be careful not to accept any packages from him.
5) At Platitude Junction, turn left.
6) Drive over Samantha Powers.
7) Continue on towards Vague Valley, then turn left.
8) In six hundred meters, drive over grandma.
9) After grandma, turn left towards Dissembly Bay.
10) Jog slightly right to drive over Reverend Wright.
11) After Reverend Wright, turn left again at Regret Ranch
12) Head on towards Father Pflegler.
13) Drive over Father Pflegler
14) Veer sharply left to also drive over Trinity Church.
15) Take the first left onto Not Who I Knew Drive
16) At Identity Way, turn left and drive over Hillary Clinton.
17) After Hillary Clinton, turn left.
18) Continue straight on, driving towards Jim Johnson.
19) When you get to Johnson, you will drive over him.
20) When in doubt, turn left.

McCain’s Internal GPS Directions for the Nomination:
Optimal Vehicle: 1943 US Army Jeep, with rear-mounted right-facing machine gun and two different license plates: “BIGRINO” and “ILUVDEMS,” just in case you need to make a quick switch. Includes “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Gore” bumper sticker.

1) *@&%$ Republicans!
2) Turn left at Pander Place.
3) Throw candy to the Hispanic lobby as you pass.
4) Promise candy to the Fence lobby.
5) *@&%$ Republicans!
6) Feint right at Debate Way.
7) Once you’ve passed Huckabee and Romney, signal right, but stay in the lefthand lane.
8) At Immigration Alley, take a HARD LEFT.
9) Stay left. *@&%$ Republicans!
10) Stay in the center lane in the Economic Quarter (the streets here are too confusing to navigate, so you may want to hire a guide).
11) *@&%$ Republicans!
12) Stop at Surge Street whenever possible.
13) Stay at Surge Street Hotel until elections.
14) If you must leave Surge Street Hotel, take a left towards Gaia Square.
15) At Gaia Square be sure to switch your engine off and trim the economy, if the *@&%$ Republicans will let you.
16) *@&%$ Republicans!
17) Signal right near the elections.
18) Stay in the lefthand lane.
19) *@&%$ Republicans!

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