Democrats to Expand Primaries

Calling this season’s primary “an example in democracy for the rest of the world,” DNC chairman Howard Dean announced today that the Democrats would hold several more primaries.

“We want to make sure everyone is enfranchised,” Dean explained at a press conference. “Since the primaries have brought out the best in our party, our candidates, and our great nation, it’s only fair that we share them with the rest of the world.”

Using the territory of Puerto Rico as a template, where a non-voting population receives 55 electoral votes, or more than almost 20 states, Dean said that “other interested, non-voting nations will be given a voice in the selection of our final nominee.”

Frontrunner Barack Obama’s campaign welcomed the decision. “We look forward to having votes in Canada, which would suffer a flood of Hollywood émigrés should I not eventually win the presidency.”

The Clinton campaign called it a “stunt” designed to bolster rival Barack Obama’s sagging poll numbers. “We can see giving a vote to Mexico, since so many of their nationals are closely tied to our nation, but letting anybody else vote is out of the question. But we might be open to a compromise that lets them keep 1/5 of the delegation, and gives us the other 4/5.”

Dean said that the additional primaries were necessary to make sure that “we can adequately represent the wishes and desires of everyone in North America, whether they are so-called citizens or not.”