Democrats to Expand Primaries Again

Bowing to pressure from Hispanic groups, who called the current Democratic primary “North American nonsense”, DNC chairman Howard Dean announced today that the Democratic primary between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be expanded to include South American countries, “who have too long lived in the gringo shadow of the United States.”

Dean said it was just another example of “democrats being willing to listen to all constituencies, no matter how small, and wanting to make sure that everyone is enfranchised. Since the primaries have brought out the best in our candidates and our country, it’s only fair that we include other highly-affected nations.”

Hillary Clinton said that the move was “extraordinarily good” and praised Dean for accepting the initiative. “I have long supported the needs and wants of Hispanic Americans, and I want to ensure you that I will always support them, even if they don’t happen to be citizens of the US.”

Team Obama was outraged at the news. “This is just a stunt designed to bolster Clinton’s sagging poll numbers,” a spokesperson fumed. “We’d take this fight all the way to the convention if we weren’t sure of getting 97% of the vote in Cuba. As it is, we have registered a protest with the committee.”

DNC chair Howard Dean said that the additional primaries were necessary to make sure that “we can adequately represent the wishes and desires of everyone in the Western Hemisphere, regardless of their nation of origin.”