Democrats to Expand Primaries, Move Convention Date

Bowing to pressure from major European groups, who called the current Democratic primary “hemisphere-centric nonsense”, DNC chairman Howard Dean announced today that the Democratic primary between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama would be expanded to include European countries, “who suffered mightily under US aggression in two world wars and thus deserve a say in our governance.”

Dean said it was necessary to “counter a growing feeling that the Democratic primary is heavily influenced by the Western Hemisphere, and pays no attention to the so-called Old World. It’s only fair that we include our close allies in Europe, many of whom have magnanimously forgiven us rebellion and firebombing in the past.”

Barack Obama said that the move was “necessary to placate our friends in Europe who have lived under the fascist bootheel of armed occupation lo these sixty years” and pledge to abide by the results of the vote.

Geraldine Ferraro responded for the Clinton Campaign, calling it “a stunt to allow these morally repugnant Euro-trash males to placate their long-held feelings of guilt over slavery by voting for Obama, while cavorting on the beach with their topless mistresses.”

Dean said that the additional primaries were necessary to make sure that “we can adequately represent the wishes and desires of the Western Hemisphere, regardless of their nation of origin, and our key allies abroad, who have been close to us during both war and peace.”