Hansen Warns Congress on Polar Bears

Climate scientist James Hansen told a Congressional committee today that unless swift and certain action is taken, “within a few years we will be facing a Polar Bear invasion the likes of which humanity will barely survive.”

“This is an issue that we need to tackle now, by trimming surplus human population and crippling the economy, before it becomes too late,” Hansen said in his statement. “The Northwest Passage, closed since the age of dinosaurs, will open up and expose our northern waterways to ice floes that will regularly come from the North Pole. On these frozen barges, likely guided by pilot monkeys, will come the Polar Bears, seeking to extract vengeance for our wanton consumerism.”

Hansen painted a bleak picture for cities on the Great Lakes such as Chicago or Detroit. “Armies of these giant, killer bears wandering desolate cities, eating what few survivors remain trying to glean a life off of rainwater and abandoned radioactive sludge,” Hansen predicted. “Then, the Bears will strike south, down the Mississippi, rupturing fragile levees and destroying farmland like a plague of two-ton carnivorous locusts.”

After his statement Hansen answered questions, saying at one point that “it’s now time to panic, crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside.”