Monday, June 16, 2008

Obama VP Candidate

While others focus on the traditional nominees for VP for Obama, I remind you that he is a sweepingly grand orator who inspires messianic fantasies in his followers. What he needs is a VP candidate that can bring experience to the table. Like McCain, Obama will not feel hide-bound by conventional rules.

With that in mind let’s take a look at who his VP candidate could be:

The Ghost of Christmas Past
Pros: Will help heal the fractured soul of the Democratic Party, split as it is on the rocky shores of identity politics. Once proposed and passed a law. Has contacts with the Ghost of Christmas Present, a party boy well-known for his ability on the campaign trail.
Cons: Vincent Foster and RFK references will not make for a comfortable four years for President Obama.
Chances: Pretty good, if you assume Obama has an intern chaperone and a food taster.

Dennis Kucinich
Pros: Snagged himself a hottie despite the fact that he looks like the son of a troll doll and a lawn gnome. So he’s got something going for him.
Cons: It ain’t genius, because he’s a flaming moron.
Chances: Good, if Obama wants someone to make him look more centrist. Bad if Obama wants to actually win the election.

Nancy Pelosi
Pros: Would get her disastrous leadership out of congress and into an impotent position where her catastrophically bad leadership would not damage the party or the country any further.
Cons: The last time a major party did this, they wound up pairing Tippecanoe with Tyler. Thirty days later, Harrison died, Tyler took over, and this led to the secession of Texas from Mexico, which is where George Bush came from.
Chances: Good, if Obama wants to guarantee that the US ends up annexing a rebellious province of Canada (lake Ottawa) that will eventually spawn a Christofascist warmonger. Otherwise bad: why taint himself with her?

John McCain
Pros: Judging from talk radio and conservative blogs, is essentially an older, crankier, less charismatic version of Obama. With decades and decades of service.
Cons: Is the other nominee, but scuttlebutt says he’s available.
Chances: At the rate McCain is alienating GOP members, fair to middling.

Joe Lieberman
Pros: Can help solidify this whole “I love Israel even though all my advisors hate them” thing that Obama has going on.
Cons: Is a warmongering Zionist.
Chances: Not so good now that Lieberman is bad-mouthing Obama.

Porky Pigg

Pros: Years of service, including in the military (most famously in 1943’s That’s All, Hitler!). Well-known and beloved movie icon. Love of public nudity and lack of obvious genitalia will appeal to transgendered and nudist constituencies. Speech problems will appeal to the disabled.
Cons: Is a cartoon; of course, much of Obama’s appeal is cartoonish, so this is not a show-stopper.
Chances: Poor. Jews are already suspicious of Obama, and Porky is definitely not Kosher.

Keith Olbermann
Pros: Went above and beyond the call of duty savaging Hillary Clinton while other press members were still in thrall to her by leading the way to calling her a “f***ing whore.” Only major press member to speculate about assassinating his rivals instead of him. Has the most watched show on MSNBC.
Cons: Having the most-watched show on MSNBC is like being the youngest person in a nursing home: nothing to brag about.
Chances: Poor. MSNBC can’t afford to lose him.

Ghost Ghandi
Pros: One of the few beatific Lightworkers whose spiritual goodness can hold up favorably to Obama. His stance on non-violent resistance tracks well with Obama’s feelings on war and conflict. Essentially told the Jews they didn’t die in sufficient enough numbers during the Holocaust.
Cons: Is not a US citizen and therefore not eligible for the office of president. Has been dead fifty years.
Chances: Great, if Ben Kingsley will agree to play him for four years.

Jimmy Carter
Pros: Still has one term of service left. Views on Israel are similar to those of other advisors whose views Obama didn’t know until they uttered something horrible in public.
Cons: “Two Carters for the price of one!” probably won’t bring in many voters.
Chances: Superb, since Obama seems to want to have gas shortages and thus complete our “return to the 70’s.”

Earth: the Ultimate MILF
Pros: Hot, hot hot!
Cons: Spends all her time whoring around with Al Gore. Rumored to have gone to third base with John McCain. Largest constituency includes Europeans, who are worthless for anything other than finger-wagging.
Chances: Generally concepts are unable to run for office. This has not yet stopped Obama, though.

Captain Powerpoint
Pros: Has experience claiming votes were rigged and implying that a sinister cabal cheated him out of an election. Turned some home-movie slides into an Oscar. Won a Noble Peace Prize.
Cons: More wooden than the totem pole he has stuck up his butt.
Chances: Zero. Gore’s already running for worldwide messiah; why would he want to be vice-messiah of the US?

No comments: