Thursday, February 7, 2008

McCain’s VP Candidate

While others are walking the well-trod paths to determine who eventual GOP nominee and presidential election runner-up John McCain will choose as his VP nominee, I remind you that this man is unconventional. Unpredictable. A maverick, as Ace of Spades might say.

So we need to look further afield for his VP candidate:

Romnar the Romulan
Pros: To casual observers Romulans look just like Vulcans, who are widely accepted in the Federation as being members in good standing. Good grasp of galactic economics, one of McCain’s weak points. Can resonate well with the parts of the electorate that McCain feels are alien.
Cons: Everybody knows they’re weird and part of some mysterious cabal.
Odds: 3 to 1

Huckleberry Hound
Pros: Polls well in the south, loved by anime-hating conservatives, has endorsement of noted action movie and TV star Hong Kong Phooey.
Cons: Is a dipshit.
Odds: 5 to 1

Hillary Clinton
Pros: McCain genuinely likes and respects her, and many conservatives consider her to be equivalent to McCain anyways.
Cons: May be the other nominee.
Odds: 10 to 1

Charles Foster Kane
Pros: Media magnate, and McCain has always gotten along well with the media.
Cons: Emotionally crippled since Frosty the Snowman stole his sleigh and used it to rob a liquor store.
Odds: 12 to 1

Pros: Knows how to handle stressful situations, from barrel-throwing monkeys to fire-breathing steel-shelled turtle kings.
Cons: NYT hates him, which might imperil McCain’s aspiration to get their endorsement for president. His position on monkey taunting may not match well with McCain’s opposition to torture.
Odds: 15 to 1

Pros: Supports John McCain’s position on anthropomorphic global warming.
Cons: Plotting to destroy civilization via glacial doom.
Odds: 16 to 1

Scarlett Johansson
Pros: Will bring some much-needed youth to the ticket, as well as adding some schwing! to their appearances to help offset McCain’s grim visage. Not shy about showing her assets.
Cons: Late-night strategy sessions are sure to cause trouble at home.
Odds: 18 to 1

Fred Thompson
Pros: Will bring conservatives back into the fold behind his campaign, is an able debater capable of outperforming his Democratic counterpart.
Cons: Gone fishin’ for the last six months or so.
Odds: 20 to 1

Zombie Ronald Reagan
Pros: Conservatives will vote for anything that has Reagan attached to it. They voted for the first Bush, didn’t they?
Cons: Influence of voodoo hounjins on McCain/Zombie Reagan ticket may turn off some on the religious right.
Odds: 50 to 1

Lou Dobbs
Pros: Would love to use the bully pulpit to help John McCain get even with those Wall Street fat-cat bastards.
Cons: Show only reaches about 500,000 retired cranks.
Odds: 75 to 1

Mr. Popo
Pros: Will help McCain to counter what is sure to be seen by some as a disadvantage for not having a woman or minority at the top of the ticket.
Cons: Many would consider his inclusion pandering at best, racist at worst.
Odds: 100 to 1

Ron Paul
Pros: Sure to bring in 100% of the lunatic/ racist/ conspiracist vote.
Cons: McCain’s mother keeps confusing him with William McKinley because of his affection for the gold standard.
Odds: 1000 to 1

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