Monday, February 11, 2008

Superbowl Winners and Losers

Some leftover thoughts about the real winners and losers from Supberbowl XLII, a bright spot in the endless winter of presidential primaries:

WINNER: Reading Programs in Impoverished Countries: Students won’t just improve their English as they read “19-0: The Perfect Season”, they’ll also learn a valuable lesson about hubris.
LOSER: Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey: Tiki takes over mantle for “most unmissed retiree”, while Shockey must now endure teammates saying “shut up, moron, we only won the Superbowl without you.”

WINNER: Tom Petty: proved that reports of his death had been greatly exaggerated.
LOSER: Tom Petty: HDTV shows viewers that reports of his embalming may have been accurate.

WINNER: Ham-fisted oligarch: Already had a superbowl ring from the Patriots; now he can have a second one from the Giants.
LOSER: Lazy writers: finally have to delete “Can Manning win the big one?” from their autotext, or at least not use until the 2030’s when Petyon’s first kid enters the league.

WINNER: Jean Strahan: earns 50% of a Superbowl share, with none of the ligament damage. Who said men are smarter than women?
LOSER: Arizona-area VHS outlets: the expected “Bellicheck Boom” wasn’t realized since Patriots converted to digital after Spygate.

WINNER: The Manning family: saved from decades of fraternal squabbling.
LOSER: The Mara family: having lascivious writers publicly ogle your young daughter probably takes some of the fun away from the run-up to the Superbowl.

WINNER: Miami Dolphins: Now they’re not the only ones who choked away a perfect 2007 season.
LOSER: Joe Namath: Plaxico Burress showed he’s Broadway Joe’s equal. If Burress can keep from putting on pantyhose and slobbering on sideline reporters, he’ll have proven himself Namath’s superior.

1 comment:

Steve Burri said...

Great slam on Tiki, Shockey, the copyrighted 19-0, and all the expert critics of sports.