Fresh from his victory over Roger Clemens, Representative Henry Waxman (D-CA) announced today that he was launching a fresh, bipartisan investigation into the Hilton children.
"It's high time somebody brought these delinquent debutantes into line, and Congress is just the organization to do it," Waxman crowed to a roomful of rapt sports reporters. "Having straightened out Major League Baseball, and with my colleague Arlen Specter working on football, it's time to go after pantyless, boozehound, trust-fund babies, which polling indicates 96% of all voters absolutely despise."
House member Virginia Foxx (R-NC) said she couldn't wait for the hearings to get started. "Traditionally the parties flip a coin to see whether they support the prosecution or the defense, which is why I went so far out of my way to make an ass of myself supporting Clemens. But this time, one party can attack Barron Hilton and the other can attack Paris. It's a win-win situation!"
Nancy Pelosi said it was yet another example of the clockwork efficiency of the US congress. "It's high time that Congress took on somebody who had a lower approval rating than we do, and we just didn't feel right piling on Britney Spears like everybody else has. But those incorrigible Hilton children? They deserve everything they get."