Candidates Spend for Economy’s Sake

Putative Republican nominee John McCain might not know much about the economy, but the other presidential campaigns this week have shown that they have not only the knowledge but the experience to put the struggling US economy back on its feet.

Hillary Clinton, hoarsely bawling her eyes out at a campaign appearance, said that the close race was designed to “make sure we pump the millions of dollars of donations that we’ve collected into local media markets, where like seeds in the ground they will grow into massive revenue streams.”

At a separate event, Barack Obama repeated his campaign theme of hope and change. “I hope that this money can help change the hopelessness of local advertisers by giving them the ability to make changes to their equipment that will hopefully help them change the nature of the future to make it more hopeful.”

Campaign spending thus far has been over one hundred million dollars, much of it spent to employ sob-story actors, video montage preparers, and menacing-sounding voiceover specialists who otherwise struggle to earn a living between major sporting events. Much of the money has been collected from individual donors, many of whom work in totally unrelated industries, making it one of the largest charitable donations in US history.

John Edwards, until recently a Democratic candidate, said that he took credit for the focus on starving actors. “I was the one who started the drumbeat about poverty,” Edwards said. “Without me they’d be hoarding their money and spending it on giant mansions and private jets and stuff.”

A spokesman for Mike Huckabee, preening in the glow of unexpected campaign victories throughout the South, reiterated the former governor’s commitment to stimulating the economy. “Mike Huckabee knows that only massive campaign spending will get the economy back on track, so he will continue to derail Mitt Romney’s support and force Romney to pay out his own fortune as a stimulus package instead of him hoarding it for the betterment of some sinister, Salt Lake-based religious cabal.”