Monday, February 25, 2008

Worst US Airports

I read this list of US airports and, quite frankly, I found it lacking. What I specifically found it lacking was a comparison of various poorly-performing US airports to stopovers in Homer’s Odyssey, which is what air travel often feels like.

So here is a more literate list, which I like to think makes the world a better place. Unfortunately, it's not in iambic pentameter, but what do you expect from a free blog?

New York’s Kennedy and LaGuardia: Scylla and Charybdis
Basically, these two airports suck, and trying to fly into either one of them or (Athena forbid) making a transfer between them is like trying to navigate these ancient horrors: you’re more likely to be eaten or drown than make the trip without issue.

New Jersey’s Newark Liberty: The Underworld
I don’t have any proof that Newark airport is located in Hell, but let’s just say that the anecdotal evidence certainly points that way.

Detroit Metro: Cyclops’s Island
While there’s probably not a giant one-eyed monster somewhere in this airport waiting to devour you, it’s cramped, smells bad, and is full of drunken idiots who make you feel like nobody.

Washington Dulles: Calypso’s Island
Not only will you end up waiting seven years for your baggage, there’s a good chance your wife won’t believe whatever story you tell her about your business trip, either.

North Carolina’s Charlotte Douglas: Lair of Laestrygones
Because everybody knows that those people in the South are all cousin-marrying cannibals. At least all educated people know that.

Chicago O’Hare: King Aeolus’ Island
Because no place in current politics is more famous for windbags than Chicago.
Honorable Mention: Boston’s Logan

Dallas/Fort Worth: Circe’s Island
If Jerry Jones isn’t safe from the terrible magic that’s turning him into some sort of bug-eyed man-pig, then who among us is?

Las Vegas McCarran International: Isle of the Sirens
If there’s an airport in the world where more men have been driven to ruin by the singing voice of temptation (be it from slot machine or nearby brothels), I don’t know where it is.

Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson: Troy
Troy was sacked and burned after they took in a wooden horse. Atlanta has been sacked and burned, and used to host Jane Fonda, who looks kind of like she’s made of wood and appears to have been rode hard and put away wet. *

San Francisco International: Thrinacia (land of Helios)
One minute you’re trolling for a babe, the next minute you’re surrounded by she-males fearing for your life. This is life in San Francisco (or so I’ve been led to believe: I’m too frightened to go there myself).

Miami International: Land of the Lotus Eaters
Miami has everything: beautiful beaches, perfect weather, bikini-clad women. Why do they even have departure gates?

Your Local Airport: Ithaca
It’ll take you forever to get there, once you do you’ll have to wait, and the whole time you’ll be hoping that there’s not a long line of guys banging your wife.

* Because every Barbarella makes every post better:

No comments: