Monday, February 11, 2008

Can You Help?

Did you know that Atlanta has almost 500 licensed adult entertainment venues, ranging from Swinging Richards to The Cheetah? If that sounds like a lot, then get ready for this: there used to be a lot more.

Did you also know that Atlanta has not hosted a major sporting event since the 1999 World Series? Since that time, the city has had to bear without a Superbowl, NBA finals, or World Series game. Only one NBA All-Star game, in 2003, has kept this industry from totally collapsing.

The impact has not been negligible: recent reports indicate that unemployment among the Atlanta adult entertainment sector is at its highest since the Olympic-related bust of 1997. Tipping has dropped precipitously as patrons have to decide whether to tuck a dollar in a garter or a gas tank.

Worse, more and more prospective adult entertainers are choosing college over G-Strings and Pasties as salaries remain flat and the possibility of a big legal payoff from a drug-fueled athletes’ binge become less and less likely for Atlanta-area entertainers.

This situation cannot continue in such an important, vital city.

That’s why it’s important for all of us to write our senators and congressmen to let them know that they need to stop fiddling around and stimulate this important part of the Atlanta economy! We, as a country, must let them know that all America wants to help them realize their dreams of gyrating nakedly on athletes, media personnel, and associated hangers-on.

It’s time to demand that the NFL stop flirting with frozen wastelands like Detroit and latter-day puritan hotspots like Arizona, and to tell the NBA to drag its All-Stars away from the casinos of Las Vegas and get them back to the beating heart of the South: Atlanta. It’s time for the Braves to not suck any more and get a World Series game in Atlanta so that hordes of overweight media personnel can feel sexy on company expense accounts.

That’s why I’m urging all of you out there to join this important project. Write your representatives today and tell them you want to see nubile southern belles naked!

Support the Initiative for a Nakeder Atlanta.


Steve Burri said...

The Braves, the Hawks, the Falcons, the Thrashers... Keep your clothes on and put grocery bags over your heads, Atlanta!

When I lived in Marietta, I heard many Georgians exclaim, "The South shall rise again!" To which I could only reply, "Yeah, but only when when your exotic dancers move back from Dallas!"

Plebian said...

As always, this comment is funny enough that I wish I'd thought it up and included it. You can rest assured that when I run dry of inspiration and have to rework old posts, I'm stealing that comment!

Steve Burri said...

Yeah, Plebian, it seems that we are often on the same wavelength. Bad sign for you!