Now Predicting: The future

Here are some predictions you can take to the bank. Or, failing that, be reasonably certain will happen within the next 12 months.

Hillary Clinton will not be the Democratic nominee for president
Instead, she’ll be the vice-president on McCain/Clinton, “the most amicable ticket in town.”

Someone will figure out a way to make money stalking celebrities
The next logical step from omnipresent paparazzi and TMZ.com is for somebody to create “fantasy stalking,” where you can pick out a lineup of stars to compete in things like “most blurred X-rated videos” and “most rehab visits.” It would bring American’s two passions into one!

Fat Jared from Subway will easily bounce back
Jared will reset his fifteen minutes by forming a “Dynamic Fitness Duo” with another down-and-out quasi-celebrity, Susan Powter. Calling themselves “Psycho Lesbo and Sandwich Boy” they will dish out can-do attitude, healthy recipes, and tips on how to hem size 64 pants.

Drug companies will invent drugs that sci-fi authors find impressive
But they’ll only do it because they’re blood-sucking profit leeches who want to siphon every last dollar out of your pockets, the bastards. They should nationalize the industry, because nationalized industries are renowned for their innovation.

“Weather is not climate” will not last into Spring
The first above-average temperature in Spring will bring a spate of global warming horror stories, complete with expert testimony from 72-year-old hikers talking about receding glaciers and concerned “Mathematical Climatological Forecasting” experts wringing their hands about the end of civilization as we know it. People buried under six feet of frozen snow in Wisconsin will call “bullshit.”

Sportswriters will go (a little bit more) crazy
Bill Bellicheck is already being portrayed as some kind of bizarre cross between Richard Nixon and Howard Hughes in the media. Just imagine what sportswriters will write between now and the start of football practice, when they don’t have anything else to do but obsess over whether Barack Obama is more like St. Peter or St. Paul.

The Internet IQ will reduce
It’s really inevitable that as Internet access gets easier and easier, and put into more and more items like toasters and shoes, the average IQ on the internet will revert to the average. Ergo, the Internet as a whole is getting stupider.

Fat Jared will be involved in scandal
The biggest tabloid scandal since OJ will rage this fall, involving Jared, allegations of bizarre sexual fetishes, and the phrase “Unlawful carnal knowledge of a sandwich.” Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Idiots will attempt to predict the future
Mission accomplished!