Bigfoot No More?

Prominent environmental groups today declared April 1 a “National Day of Mourning” for the loss of another species to global climate change. Researchers today confirmed that there are no surviving members either in the wild or in captivity of the genus Homo Erectus Hirsutus, also known as the Pacific Bigfoot.

Chet Bellweather, Chief Researcher of the Pacific Bigfoot Resource Centre, confirmed that they now believe the small population of Bigfoot still remaining in the Pacific Northwest had finally become extinct. “Sightings have been decreasing for years,” he said. “Thirty five years ago we’d get five or six sightings a week during the spring, with at least one car accident involving a Bigfoot every month. In 2000 we only had two sightings, and we haven’t heard anything since early Fall 2002 when some hikers saw a baby Bigfoot get eaten by a bear.”

“This magnificent species has been on the edge for years,” said Kathy Viracocha, president of Hooray for Animals!, a California NGO that aims to promote public awareness of animal habitat destruction. “Deforestation, human encroachment on their natural territory, and the increasing loss of their main food sources have stricken this once-noble species, possibly our nearest evolutionary ancestor, from the catalogue of biodiversity. Mankind’s genocidal urges simply cannot be sated: first the dodo bird, then unicorns, and now Bigfoot.”

“Clearly this is once again the birds of man-made climate change coming home to roost.” Al Gore stated through a press release. “Bigfeet were designed for colder weather: big mukluk-type feet, lots of hair, and a diet that mainly consisted of evergreen needles and pine cones. But now we come along with SUVs and private planes and zinc mines and drive them to extinction. Mark my words: a great reckoning is coming, and we can only hope that Mother Nature is kinder to us that we have been to the Bigfeet!”

Asked about the condition of other endangered fantastic megaflora, Bellweather was similarly pessimistic. “The Yeti, Bigfoot’s Asian cousin, has been hanging on the edge of extinction for some time as well. And I’ve been getting pessimistic reports from Scottish colleagues about the numbers of Loch Ness Monsters sighted over the past few years. Few people realize how fragile these animals are. In a rare success story, since their successful introduction in the US in the 80’s Leprechauns appear to be out of danger.”

Bellweather added sadly that, “Of course, back in ‘72 I’d have said the same thing about Bigfoots. You just never know, do you?”