Saturday, March 31, 2007

Air Quality Improvements Cited as Reason for Decreased Crashes

The Western Skies Monitoring Group today released a report citing air quality improvements over the past five decades as a leading cause of decreased UFO crashes in the western part of the United States. “We haven’t had a major incident since the mid-seventies.” said Max Eydenbrow, Western’s director. “It’s very encouraging.”

“This has really increased our credibility and standing with our interstellar neighbors,” said a senior official with the Bush administration, who declined to be identified because he was not allowed to talk to the media. “We used to get complaints all the time, and we almost went into interstellar war after the Roswell incident. But now that we’ve gotten the particulate counts in the atmosphere under control, UFOs can navigate a lot better and incidents are way down.”

Increasing industrialization had led to deteriorating air quality in most US states, particularly over major urban centers, until the Clean Air Act of 1970 under President Nixon began to curb emissions of particulates from industrial and utility sources. Eydenbrow explained that those particulates damaged the UFO’s interstellar guidance systems and caused them to become unstable, most famously in Tunguska, USSR and Roswell, New Mexico.

“Imagine trying to drive your car by the Grand Canyon to take pictures, but the windshield is totally spattered with bugs,” the official explained. “Now imagine that your car is going six light years per hour and you’re trying to read a map and the kids are in the back seat screaming because they want to get out and run around. Of course you’d plummet into the canyon to your fiery death, just like the aliens. And their relatives had begun to blame us for having such crummy air in the first place.”

But there is still a long way to go. Eydenbrow noted several near-misses, including an incident where a passenger plane in Manchester was almost hit by a UFO in 1995. “We’re currently developing a project to broadcast the flight plans of every airplane in the world into space, sort of an AM travel advisory for our alien visitors. That way, they know where there’s bad traffic and where they can fly without risk. It should really benefit space tourism.”

He cited the recent announcement of a spaceport being constructed in Arizona. “We’re hoping to have a welcome center there, as well as some duty-free shops for these VIP tourists. After all, we want them to feel welcome during their stay on Earth.”

Asked about negative publicity with extraterrestrials in the past, Eydenbrow did acknowledge that there had been some missteps in relations. “Films like Independence Day and War of the Worlds don’t help, frankly. And I don’t even want to talk about Fox’s irresponsible Alien Autopsy show. But, at the end of the day, they’re an advanced society with intergalactic travel, and we have nice views and cheap souvenirs. I think they’ll come.”

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