Thursday, March 29, 2007

Nude Protest Turns Violent, Raccoons' Fate Uncertain

A nude protest by the animal-rights group 'Animals “R” People 2' outside of Kennelbunkt Memorial Stadium last night became violent, with 12 protesters injured, two seriously, when wild raccoons attacked them during the traditional “Back to Nature” pre-season celebration.

“We were here to protest three things,” said Dakota Starlight, spokeswoman for ARP2. “Firstly, we’re not at all happy about the incredible number of animals murdered to make leather for balls, jerseys, shoes and helmets in sports. Secondly, people eat way too many hot dogs at sporting events. Thirdly, the barbaric practice of rescuing injured animals instead of allowing them to die as nature intends must be stopped. Mother Gaea has a plan, and it’s up to us to make sure it’s implemented properly!”

The protest was orderly until the traditional “Releasing of the Raccoons”, when injured and rescued raccoons are released back into the wild. A group of nude protesters abandoned their picket line to storm the cages and keep the animals inside, chanting “Death for those who Nature wills!” Panicked, the raccoons which had already been let out attacked the nude protesters and a violent melee ensued.

“It was like a horror film,” said Deputy Earl Spunkenmeyer. “There were raccoons hanging off of people’s arms and legs and other appendages. We were afraid to use our guns, so finally we had to tear gas the whole mess and call in a Hazmat team to sort it out.”

Ryan Jerks, a college student at Kennelbunkt Polytech, was one of the two seriously injured. Reached for comment from the hospital, he said “I just came down to see some naked chicks, maybe score with a granola girl. Instead I got one of my testicles bit off by a giant rat.”

The Kennelbunkt “Back to Nature” celebration, which dates back to 1893, is a tradition where all injured and rescued raccoons of the last year are released back into the wild by the Kennelbunkt humane society as a thank-you gift to nature for allowing the use of the raccoon as the mascot of the local minor-league team, the Kennelbunkt Raccoon Raiders. It traditionally brings good luck to the team, which notes in its media leaflet that it has not finished in last place in the league in over forty years.

Asked if the disruption is expected to bring bad luck to the team this year, team owner Arty Goodenrich replied “I think it means we’ll win the pennant this year. After all, what could a raccoon enjoy more than biting naked people?”

1 comment:

Steve said...

The protest group was formerly named Animals Always R People 2. But, AARP2 was inundated by solicitations for Alzheimer's medications, so they had to drop the 'Always'.