Hollywood Pins 2007 Hopes on "Raiders" Sequel

Already reeling from a disastrous start to 2007, totally devoid of any hits or films that have captured the public’s imagination, Hollywood has pinned its hopes on the upcoming Indiana Jones movie to turn around the waning fortunes of cinema. Details of the fourth installment of the popular “Raiders of the Lost Ark” series have thus far been kept secret by the filmmakers, but recently some clips and a script excerpt from the movie appeared on the popular web sharing site PiratesAhoy.com. Although they have since been removed and those who posted them prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, details of the movie have now begun to leak out and show that this will indeed be the blockbuster movie that 2007 so desperately needs.

“It’s a dramatic, bold concept,” said an anonymous studio executive reached for comment on Tuesday. “We’ve tried to incorporate every element of a successful movie, and we’ve also been true to the historical details, carefully recreating every element of costume from old photographs and archives and validating the historical characters that we use. We’re certain that this will be a cinematic achievement on the order of Ben Hur or Titanic, or if not, at least Porky’s.”

Set in the late 1940s, “Celsius 10/27: Indiana Jones and the Inconvenient Truth” reveals that Indiana is, in fact, a secret government assassin, and that the character of his father, played by Sean Connery, is only his handler and works directly for the infamous Senator Joseph McCarthy. Indiana turns against the government at the beginning of the film, after he assassinates Babe Ruth during a Yankees press conference. Indiana is told that the Bambino is going to announce that he is a communist and thus is an enemy of the state.

Jones finds the note cards in the Sultan of Swat’s breast pocket that reveal that the true purpose was to announce that Ruth was homosexual and plead for tolerance. In a touching scene that is a dramatic departure from previous “Jones” movies, Harrison Ford’s character reminisces of his own brief fling in the 1920s with industrialist John D. Rockefeller.

Indiana must go on the run, pursued by government agents on the payroll of Joe McCarthy, who declares Jones a traitor to the country and public enemy #1. Indiana is aided by Amelia Earhart, played by Olympia Dukakis, and a young boy named Barack Obama, who hides Indiana in his Illinois basement when government agents storm the town and kill most of the locals in a hail of bullets. The agents arrive after a little blond-haired girl outside Rodham’s Pest Control sees Indiana in town and calls the government.

In the final action sequence Indiana discovers that McCarthy himself is just a pawn of the evil corporation Standard Oil, controlled by none other than Indiana’s old lover John D. Rockefeller, his head now attached to a giant robotic body that has a howitzer for a belly button and belches smoke and grime out its backside. After a dramatic battle Indiana destroys the Rockefeller cyborg and escapes the country to Cuba, where he and his lover Truman Capote live out their lives in socialist bliss on the beach.

Critics are already hailing it as the blockbuster hit of the year, a “sure-fire smash with lots of cross-genre appeal” and the “bravest movie in decades.” Oscars are expected to follow suit, which would be an astounding first for an action movie.