So everybody and his grandmother is piling on Bill Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th-and-2 from the Patriot's own 28. It's the "safe" attack in sports talk right now, like when you want to make fun of Mike Tyson for being a cannibal or Al Davis for being a rotting mummy.
Only, the people criticizing Belichick are wrong. They're not only wrong, they're airing their math ignorance as proof of the righteousness of their cause.
Typical is Peter King, who as always is not afraid to slavishly follow where the pack has led him. He compares it to Grady Little's call in the MLB playoffs to leave in Pedro Martinez and says it indelibly blots Belichick's resume.
Firstly, let's explore King's math: he puts the odds of the Patriots making the 1st down "at 60, 65 percent." Then he says in the very next sentence that "the odds of Manning going 72 yards to score a touchdown in less than two minutes…that's maybe 35 percent."
Um, dumbass? 65 plus 35 is a hundred. So the outcome of the two propositions is exactly equal. Even if we accept the lower value of 60, our precision is so poor that it seems like these are pretty similar propositions.
And this is before we begin considering what can go wrong on a punt: blocked punt, return for TD, long return, illegal block in the back, etc. It's true that the receiver could fumble it, but more punts go badly for the punting team than go well. So there's a significant (even if minor) element of risk for the Patriots by punting.
Putting that side, though, consider this: if the Patriots make the play, they win. So the chance of the Patriots winning on offense is 65%. If they punt, and the Colts have a 35% chance to score, then the chance of the Patriots winning on defense is 65%
As proof, King enters into the ledger the Colt's previous seven drives, of which two were touchdowns, two were interceptions, and three were punts. So the Colts had scored on 28.6% of their previous seven possessions. If that trend continued, then we could concede that the Patriots had a slight edge to win on defense (71.4%) over offense.
But football, as King surely knows, is a game of momentum. And teams that are on a comeback are dangerous in the 4th quarter, when the defense begins to flag. In the fourth quarter, the Colts had scored twice and had an interception. That's a whopping 66% chance to score. If that is the real metric to watch, then the Patriots definitely should go for it: they have a 65% chance to win on offense and a 34% chance to win on defense.
And the math from the seven possessions is certainly not accurate, as we know that Indy will not punt in this situation. So we have 7 possessions, but we must ask ourselves: what would have happened on the three punts? Well, if they would have scored a TD one time out of those three, then the chances that they'll score now are 3/7, or 43%. So the Patriots have a 60-65% chance to win on offense, and a 57% chance to win on defense.
The team with the ball gets to decide what happens; the defense can only react to what the offense does. Belichick knows this. He has a 65% chance to seize a win, or a 65% (or less) chance to hope that Indy does not seize the win. So he chooses to go for it himself.
It's a courageous play, not an arrogant play. Those who are excoriating him now are cowards, who would rather kick the ball away and hope that the other team either screws up or doesn't score, secure in the knowledge that if they do score, then you can fall back on "well, that's why Manning will be in the Hall of Fame one day."
Screw that! Belichick went to seize the win, Manning be damned, and his team didn't come up with two yards. Sometimes life is like that. We were all so excited about Brady and Moss both being healthy, and we've been drooling over their record-setting offense that blew the doors off opponents two years ago.
Where did that energy from pundits go? Did they forget that this is the Patriot's strength? Why should the Pats meekly kick off and "hope for the best"? When did this become a quintessential American value?
Fools, cowards, and morons are criticizing Belichick. Others, more mature and inclined to understand strategy, should appreciate a logical move made to control your own destiny that, as is sometimes the case, didn't quite work out.
One last word on King's cowardly illogic: he compares Belichick to Grady Little because Little is hated in New England and his name despised for costing them the World Series. But you know what?
It's King and his ilk who would advise going the Grady Little route, not Belichick. A tired defense has yielded two quick scores to a resurgent offense that is undefeated, so King wants to roll the dice and fall back on it for "one last try" and "make Manning earn it." Meanwhile, Belichick would rather go with own offense, which was having a great day, and play for the win, now, and keep control in his own hands.
It's the difference between controlling your destiny and "hoping for the best", which is essentially what King advises that they should have done.
And is what Little did when he left Pedro Martinez in one pitch too long.
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Cowboys to Build Second Locker Room
Jerry Jones today hit back at growing rumors that the Dallas Cowboys sought to part ways with troublesome wide receiver Terrell Owens, saying that his organization "valued this great receiver and all of the contributions he can make on the field."
However, the Quixotic owner announced that there would be changes to the Dallas stadium for the 2009 season.
"Listen, I'll admit that the guy's a locker room cancer," Jones told reporters. "So we're going to be building a second locker room, just for T.O. It's gonna be eighty thousand square feet, with Italian marble sinks, a solid gold locker, and mirrors everywhere so that TO can see his favorite person night and day. And it might not even be in Dallas: we're thinking of putting it in Austin, where someone with TO's personality can fly under the radar."
Jones had other plans, too. "We're not just putting him in a separate locker room, though. He'll have his own staff, from coach to trainer to ballboy, dedicated to making TO happy. A separate uniform for TO. A different charter flight. A different practice schedule. Everything designed to keep TO completely isolated from the team except on Sunday afternoons, some Monday nights, and Thanksgiving Day."
Some questioned whether the plan, dubbed Typhoid TO around Dallas headquarters, went far enough. One inside source said that "everyone is completely sick of hearing TO, TO, TO. Well, everyone except Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia, who are laughing their butts off at us."
However, the Quixotic owner announced that there would be changes to the Dallas stadium for the 2009 season.
"Listen, I'll admit that the guy's a locker room cancer," Jones told reporters. "So we're going to be building a second locker room, just for T.O. It's gonna be eighty thousand square feet, with Italian marble sinks, a solid gold locker, and mirrors everywhere so that TO can see his favorite person night and day. And it might not even be in Dallas: we're thinking of putting it in Austin, where someone with TO's personality can fly under the radar."
Jones had other plans, too. "We're not just putting him in a separate locker room, though. He'll have his own staff, from coach to trainer to ballboy, dedicated to making TO happy. A separate uniform for TO. A different charter flight. A different practice schedule. Everything designed to keep TO completely isolated from the team except on Sunday afternoons, some Monday nights, and Thanksgiving Day."
Some questioned whether the plan, dubbed Typhoid TO around Dallas headquarters, went far enough. One inside source said that "everyone is completely sick of hearing TO, TO, TO. Well, everyone except Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia, who are laughing their butts off at us."
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
NFL Gambling Preview
Most sports web sites give you lots of accurate information and tips to help you gamble, yet scrupulously avoid actually using the word "bet" to keep from offending sensibilities and hold up the fiction that NFL games aren't rigged by a big Eastern syndicate.
They also participate in the fiction that there are teams outside of the East Coast (geographical area: Massachusetts to Washington, DC) that are good.
You won't find that here. I guarantee that my information is inaccurate, but I will give you keen gambling advice. Specifically, don't bet on football games, because you can't predict anything that's going to happen. Seriously. There is no logic to it.
Okay, if you have to bet, do this: bet against the favorites in every game the first two weeks, because the fact is nobody knows who will be good and bad at this point in the season, and a few monster wins will help offset your losses. Then stop betting altogether or you'll lose what you've gained.
Further, I refuse to participate in the geographical fiction that there are decent teams outside of the greater New York area. To this end, I've renamed every division.
AFC Inside New York Division
Eastern New York Heroes (aka New England): 6-12
Listen, it's possible that the Patriots are singularly different than almost every other team that loses the Super Bowl. It's possible that these robotic superhumans will shake off the emotional detritus of falling short of historic perfection and achieve greatness again. It's possible that the fantastic luck of the last 6 seasons will continue. But it ain't likely.
Western New York Cattle-Themed Nimrods (aka Buffalo): 8-8
The last time the Bills were good, Jim Kelly still played for them. In related news, he's still athletic enough to start at almost any position on the team and replace the player currently filling that slot.
Over New York Atmospheric Pollution Deliverers (aka NY Jets): 1-15
Reality: Brett Favre is not the quarterback he once was, and the quarterback he once was was average. The solution to the Jets was not Favre, it was to move out of the AFC East.
Southern New York Futilloids (aka Miami): 0-16
This year, they finally make perfection. And no, I don't buy the Bill Parcells mystique as GM. But thanks for asking!
NFC Inside New York Division
Southern New York Oil-Drilling Barbarians (aka Cowboys): 4-12
This team will be marred by several fistfights over who has the prettiest face, sexiest girlfriend, and who touched who during the slumber party over at TO's house. But all will be forgiven, until the team loses two in a row and tempers flare and the entire team falls apart, much to the chagrin of the horrid undead mummy that owns the whole thing. But he likes rebuilding, so it shouldn't keep him depressed for too long.
Downtown New York Pigeons (aka Philadelphia): 12-4
I tried to think of something funny to put here, but I couldn't come up with anything. So consider this a recycled "they once hit Santa with a snowball" joke and let's let it go at that, okay?
Greatest Team in History, Best Manning Brother, Awesomely Awesome Titans of the Gridiron New York Giants: 8-8
I don't understand how Eli Manning is suddenly "equal" to Peyton Manning. Would you suggest, straight-faced, that Trent Dilfer is also the equal of Peyton Manning, based on their equal number of Super Bowl victories?
Trump Towers Egomaniacal Owner's Team (aka Washington): 2-14
If I lived in the Washington, DC area I'd be selling "Snyder Must Go!" shirts at every home game. He's like George Steinbrenner, only absent the keen judgment.
AFC Northern New York Division
Industrially Derelict Anachronisms (aka Pittsburgh): 12-4
In order to bolster attendance at Pirates games, the Steelers will give away 100 Pirates tickets to everyone who attends a Steelers game in September. If even one fan shows up for a baseball game, it'll double normal attendance.
West New York Flaming Lakes (aka Cleveland): 7-11
If you made keen financial decisions like the Browns do quarterbacking decisions, then you're reading this from a free computer in the library, where you not incidentally live since they foreclosed on your house.
Sing-Sing Slammers (aka Cincinnati): 1-15
Can we officially call Marvin Lewis a failure? Or is he only a failure if there's a crime spree during an actual game?
Southern New York Hypocrites (aka Baltimore): 3-13
I had the pleasure of living in Baltimore for three years when they finally stole the Browns from Cleveland, and I can honestly tell you there's not a more wretched hive of scum and hypocrisy than the jerkoffs who live there. Their attitude was "the NFL screwed us, so we're perfectly justified in screwing Cleveland!"
NFC Northern New York Division
Frozen Famous Ray's Pizza (aka Green Bay): 14-2
Imagine that you were a plowhorse, working all day pulling a gigantically fat man who simultaneously whipped you and bragged about how much work he was doing tilling the field. Then, one day, the man not only fell off the cart but you actually got to run him over. Wouldn't you suddenly feel light as a feather?
Ethnically Insensitive Greenwich Village Persons (aka Minnesota): 12-4
There's only a limited amount of time that the Vikings can continue to be bad, right?
Lesser New York Zoo and Amusement Park (aka Chicago): 2-14
If you know of any good quarterbacks in the greater North American area, you might want to drop a line to the Bears front office, because they can't seem to find one.
Manhattan Rasputins (aka Detroit): 2-14
It's really too bad that Voodoo Priest Matt Millen uses all his dark powers keeping the Ford family enthralled, because if he spent just a fraction of that malevolence on the other teams Detroit would go undefeated and win the Super Bowl.
AFC Southern New York/New Jersey Redneck Division
Visiting Out-Of-Towners (aka Indianapolis): 16-0
Anything that Tom Brady can do, Peyton Manning can do better. Which is why the undefeated Colts will lose in the first round rather than in the Super Bowl.
Damn Tourists (aka Jacksonville): 8-8
I don't know what to say about this team other than every year they are promised as the next big thing, and every year they are average. On the upside, though, I'm not a fan.
Ellis Island Gap-Toothed Hicks (aka Tennessee): 6-10
On the upside, the Titans don't face UCLA. Plus, 4 of the 6 wins should come in the latter half of the season to help excite people for next season, when they'll again underachieve until the playoffs are out of reach.
Southern New York non-Oil Drilling Barbarians (aka Texans): 13-3
Proof that sportswriters are churlish: the absolute lack of articles apologizing for lambasting the Texans for taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. After excoriating the Texans for daring not to take a darling-of-the-media RB, the performance of Bush has once again proven the futility of taking the position high in the draft.
NFC Southern New York/New Jersey Redneck Division
Non-Casino Affiliated Pirates (aka Tampa Bay): 8-8
Have we officially decided that John Gruden's not a genius? Or is the jury still out on that? And if he's not, do we admit that Tony Dungy is? And if Dungy is, can we adequately explain why this wasn't properly understood a few years ago?
Albany Ineptitude (aka Atlanta): 7-9
You don't just bad-luck your way into the circumstances that have landed Atlanta in to the lowly state it is in today; you have to want to go there. Kind of like visiting 5 grand a night call girls while being governor.
New York Parks and Recreation Swamp-League Champions (aka New Orleans): 6-10
Because the NFL is all about sweetness and light, they continue to do everything in their power to depress Saints attendance by scheduling as few home games as possible.
Golden Gloves League Champs (aka Carolina): 2-14
Isn't it depressing that the Panthers have had more legitimate heavyweight fights than Madison Square Gardens in the last ten years? You throw in the cheerleader scandal from a few years ago and I'm starting to wonder if Carolina isn't the new cultural center of the US.
AFC Western New York Coastal Elites
East River Surfer Dudes (aka San Diego): 6-10
Fact: the new NFL rule book forbids cloning players and using them at every position, because there was a rumor that the Chargers intended to do this to get around their limitation of having only one LT. Of course, if they had done that, the postgame news conference after their inevitable playoff loss would have had more complaining than the Vagina Monologues.
Upper New York Soulless Automatons (aka Denver): 10-6
The biggest question around the Broncos this year is how they'll mishandle Jay Cutler once again, since that seems to be the preoccupation of the organization.
Non-Casino Affiliated Pirates, AFC Version (aka Oakland): 1-15
If we were really serious about toppling dictators, somebody'd liberate the Raiders from Al Davis. Until that happens, I'll know it's all talk and no action.
Western New York Midwestern Affiliate (aka Kansas): 4-12
Again, I'm stumped for something to say about them, other than to wonder how Kansas was ever considered "West".
NFC Western New York Non-Great Lakes Division
Starbucks Coffee Uninspiring Cup o'The Weak (aka Seattle): 12-4
Seahawks victories are like currencies, so you need to convert them. Every win is worth half a win in a real division, and every loss counts double.
New York Museum of Natural History (aka San Francisco): 1-15
If there's one team whose best days are certainly behind it, it's the 49ers. But man, the Alcatraz tour sure is nice.
Eastern New York School of Geography (aka St. Louis): 8-8
One last hurrah for the Rams, who after this year will be outsourced to India in order to save costs. This move makes sense, because the Rams have been phoning in games for years.
New York Institute for the Criminally Inept (aka Arizona): 3-13
The best thing about being a Cardinals player is that you can freely schedule your time outside of football, because you know you'll be available from the last week of December onwards to do whatever you want.
They also participate in the fiction that there are teams outside of the East Coast (geographical area: Massachusetts to Washington, DC) that are good.
You won't find that here. I guarantee that my information is inaccurate, but I will give you keen gambling advice. Specifically, don't bet on football games, because you can't predict anything that's going to happen. Seriously. There is no logic to it.
Okay, if you have to bet, do this: bet against the favorites in every game the first two weeks, because the fact is nobody knows who will be good and bad at this point in the season, and a few monster wins will help offset your losses. Then stop betting altogether or you'll lose what you've gained.
Further, I refuse to participate in the geographical fiction that there are decent teams outside of the greater New York area. To this end, I've renamed every division.
AFC Inside New York Division
Eastern New York Heroes (aka New England): 6-12
Listen, it's possible that the Patriots are singularly different than almost every other team that loses the Super Bowl. It's possible that these robotic superhumans will shake off the emotional detritus of falling short of historic perfection and achieve greatness again. It's possible that the fantastic luck of the last 6 seasons will continue. But it ain't likely.
Western New York Cattle-Themed Nimrods (aka Buffalo): 8-8
The last time the Bills were good, Jim Kelly still played for them. In related news, he's still athletic enough to start at almost any position on the team and replace the player currently filling that slot.
Over New York Atmospheric Pollution Deliverers (aka NY Jets): 1-15
Reality: Brett Favre is not the quarterback he once was, and the quarterback he once was was average. The solution to the Jets was not Favre, it was to move out of the AFC East.
Southern New York Futilloids (aka Miami): 0-16
This year, they finally make perfection. And no, I don't buy the Bill Parcells mystique as GM. But thanks for asking!
NFC Inside New York Division
Southern New York Oil-Drilling Barbarians (aka Cowboys): 4-12
This team will be marred by several fistfights over who has the prettiest face, sexiest girlfriend, and who touched who during the slumber party over at TO's house. But all will be forgiven, until the team loses two in a row and tempers flare and the entire team falls apart, much to the chagrin of the horrid undead mummy that owns the whole thing. But he likes rebuilding, so it shouldn't keep him depressed for too long.
Downtown New York Pigeons (aka Philadelphia): 12-4
I tried to think of something funny to put here, but I couldn't come up with anything. So consider this a recycled "they once hit Santa with a snowball" joke and let's let it go at that, okay?
Greatest Team in History, Best Manning Brother, Awesomely Awesome Titans of the Gridiron New York Giants: 8-8
I don't understand how Eli Manning is suddenly "equal" to Peyton Manning. Would you suggest, straight-faced, that Trent Dilfer is also the equal of Peyton Manning, based on their equal number of Super Bowl victories?
Trump Towers Egomaniacal Owner's Team (aka Washington): 2-14
If I lived in the Washington, DC area I'd be selling "Snyder Must Go!" shirts at every home game. He's like George Steinbrenner, only absent the keen judgment.
AFC Northern New York Division
Industrially Derelict Anachronisms (aka Pittsburgh): 12-4
In order to bolster attendance at Pirates games, the Steelers will give away 100 Pirates tickets to everyone who attends a Steelers game in September. If even one fan shows up for a baseball game, it'll double normal attendance.
West New York Flaming Lakes (aka Cleveland): 7-11
If you made keen financial decisions like the Browns do quarterbacking decisions, then you're reading this from a free computer in the library, where you not incidentally live since they foreclosed on your house.
Sing-Sing Slammers (aka Cincinnati): 1-15
Can we officially call Marvin Lewis a failure? Or is he only a failure if there's a crime spree during an actual game?
Southern New York Hypocrites (aka Baltimore): 3-13
I had the pleasure of living in Baltimore for three years when they finally stole the Browns from Cleveland, and I can honestly tell you there's not a more wretched hive of scum and hypocrisy than the jerkoffs who live there. Their attitude was "the NFL screwed us, so we're perfectly justified in screwing Cleveland!"
NFC Northern New York Division
Frozen Famous Ray's Pizza (aka Green Bay): 14-2
Imagine that you were a plowhorse, working all day pulling a gigantically fat man who simultaneously whipped you and bragged about how much work he was doing tilling the field. Then, one day, the man not only fell off the cart but you actually got to run him over. Wouldn't you suddenly feel light as a feather?
Ethnically Insensitive Greenwich Village Persons (aka Minnesota): 12-4
There's only a limited amount of time that the Vikings can continue to be bad, right?
Lesser New York Zoo and Amusement Park (aka Chicago): 2-14
If you know of any good quarterbacks in the greater North American area, you might want to drop a line to the Bears front office, because they can't seem to find one.
Manhattan Rasputins (aka Detroit): 2-14
It's really too bad that Voodoo Priest Matt Millen uses all his dark powers keeping the Ford family enthralled, because if he spent just a fraction of that malevolence on the other teams Detroit would go undefeated and win the Super Bowl.
AFC Southern New York/New Jersey Redneck Division
Visiting Out-Of-Towners (aka Indianapolis): 16-0
Anything that Tom Brady can do, Peyton Manning can do better. Which is why the undefeated Colts will lose in the first round rather than in the Super Bowl.
Damn Tourists (aka Jacksonville): 8-8
I don't know what to say about this team other than every year they are promised as the next big thing, and every year they are average. On the upside, though, I'm not a fan.
Ellis Island Gap-Toothed Hicks (aka Tennessee): 6-10
On the upside, the Titans don't face UCLA. Plus, 4 of the 6 wins should come in the latter half of the season to help excite people for next season, when they'll again underachieve until the playoffs are out of reach.
Southern New York non-Oil Drilling Barbarians (aka Texans): 13-3
Proof that sportswriters are churlish: the absolute lack of articles apologizing for lambasting the Texans for taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. After excoriating the Texans for daring not to take a darling-of-the-media RB, the performance of Bush has once again proven the futility of taking the position high in the draft.
NFC Southern New York/New Jersey Redneck Division
Non-Casino Affiliated Pirates (aka Tampa Bay): 8-8
Have we officially decided that John Gruden's not a genius? Or is the jury still out on that? And if he's not, do we admit that Tony Dungy is? And if Dungy is, can we adequately explain why this wasn't properly understood a few years ago?
Albany Ineptitude (aka Atlanta): 7-9
You don't just bad-luck your way into the circumstances that have landed Atlanta in to the lowly state it is in today; you have to want to go there. Kind of like visiting 5 grand a night call girls while being governor.
New York Parks and Recreation Swamp-League Champions (aka New Orleans): 6-10
Because the NFL is all about sweetness and light, they continue to do everything in their power to depress Saints attendance by scheduling as few home games as possible.
Golden Gloves League Champs (aka Carolina): 2-14
Isn't it depressing that the Panthers have had more legitimate heavyweight fights than Madison Square Gardens in the last ten years? You throw in the cheerleader scandal from a few years ago and I'm starting to wonder if Carolina isn't the new cultural center of the US.
AFC Western New York Coastal Elites
East River Surfer Dudes (aka San Diego): 6-10
Fact: the new NFL rule book forbids cloning players and using them at every position, because there was a rumor that the Chargers intended to do this to get around their limitation of having only one LT. Of course, if they had done that, the postgame news conference after their inevitable playoff loss would have had more complaining than the Vagina Monologues.
Upper New York Soulless Automatons (aka Denver): 10-6
The biggest question around the Broncos this year is how they'll mishandle Jay Cutler once again, since that seems to be the preoccupation of the organization.
Non-Casino Affiliated Pirates, AFC Version (aka Oakland): 1-15
If we were really serious about toppling dictators, somebody'd liberate the Raiders from Al Davis. Until that happens, I'll know it's all talk and no action.
Western New York Midwestern Affiliate (aka Kansas): 4-12
Again, I'm stumped for something to say about them, other than to wonder how Kansas was ever considered "West".
NFC Western New York Non-Great Lakes Division
Starbucks Coffee Uninspiring Cup o'The Weak (aka Seattle): 12-4
Seahawks victories are like currencies, so you need to convert them. Every win is worth half a win in a real division, and every loss counts double.
New York Museum of Natural History (aka San Francisco): 1-15
If there's one team whose best days are certainly behind it, it's the 49ers. But man, the Alcatraz tour sure is nice.
Eastern New York School of Geography (aka St. Louis): 8-8
One last hurrah for the Rams, who after this year will be outsourced to India in order to save costs. This move makes sense, because the Rams have been phoning in games for years.
New York Institute for the Criminally Inept (aka Arizona): 3-13
The best thing about being a Cardinals player is that you can freely schedule your time outside of football, because you know you'll be available from the last week of December onwards to do whatever you want.
Friday, March 28, 2008
NFL 2013 Draft
It’s the time of year when everybody and their grandma issues mock drafts. Well, except Barack Obama’s grandma, who is more likely issuing restraining orders or angry letters.
Anyway, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to give you the ultimate insider’s view of the NFL draft: the 2013 draft. Not only am I plugged in to high-school football, I have advanced computer models. And if a computer said it, it must be true.
The 2012 record is in parenthesis.
Miami (1-15): Tadd Hapscott, QB, Notre Dame. Having seen the poise, presence, and gravity-defying way that Brady Quinn carried the clipboard in Cleveland the past six seasons, Miami is desperate to finally resolve their QB crises that has persisted since the departure of Dan Marino.
Oakland (1-14-1): Mino Taur, RB, LSU. The 5’8” 1052-lb Taur will give the Raiders a desperately-needed RB, since they had had an NFL-record 44 tries from 2 yards or less that they failed to convert. However, Taur has been plagued by rumors that he is actually a small bull in a helmet, and the NFL announced he must pass a “Species Test” before they will certify him to play.
Detroit (2-14): Cud Foley, WR, Nebraska. Even though Nebraska has used the T-Wing since 2011, latter-day Rasputin Matt Millen is sure that Foley is the missing link in his fifteen-year, WR-based rebuilding plan.
Arizona (3-13): Ricky Williams, Guru, Calcutta State (India). Since Williams never really had any impact in the pros, his eligibility has been reset after becoming a certified Guru from Calcutta State. The Cardinals are hoping he can exorcise their demons and help them finally reach 5 wins this decade.
New England (acquired via trade from San Francisco for Scott Pioli’s DNA and a bag of marbles): John Q. Smith, position unknown, Nondescript State University. Though concerns persist that Bill Bellicheck’s withdrawal to an isolated hotel room in Las Vegas will hurt team focus, it is sure that New England will once again take a player nobody ever heard of and make him a star.
Cincinnati (4-12): The entire graduating class of Harvard Law. Having forfeited six games in 2012 because too many players were suspended to field a team, Cincinnati is hoping that this will get their players out of court and onto the field. Salary cap room may be a concern, however.
Washington (5-11): NMSU observatory refractory mirror, NMSU. Daniel Snyder saw the mirror while on a tour and said that “he’s the most handsome guy coming out of the draft this year.”
Cleveland (5-11): Carlos Vincenzo, WR, UCLA. Despite seven consecutive pro bowl appearances, fans are still calling for Derek Anderson to be replaced by Brady Quinn at QB. Vincenzo will be a valuable deep threat for Anderson, which was sorely lacking in last year’s WR corps.
Baltimore (6-10): Pheekus “Slim” Whitman, QB, Arkansas. Despite going 2-9 last year, everyone says that Whitman is a can’t-miss prospect, so Baltimore will snap him up here to avoid having to pay less for him when he will surely be available later in the draft.
NY Jets (6-10): Jack Bauer, agent, FBI. Convinced that their stadium is rigged with electronic monitoring devices by the hated Patriots, whom they have not beaten for four seasons, the Jets are hoping Bauer can find the devices within 24 hours and save the world, their season, and some woman with heaving bosoms.
Chicago (7-9): Craig Spurrier, QB, USC. In addition to getting a polished QB, the Bears are hoping to lure his famous father out of retirement to be their head coach as well.
Los Angeles Starzz (7-9 as Buffalo Bills in 2012): Paris Spears, K, Hollywood Hills Community College. In their inaugural season the Starzz are determined to change the way the NFL does business, from their all-transvestite offensive line to their powder blue uniforms. Their draft strategy is also daring, as they will take Paris Spears, the hideous creature that was created during an accident on the Fox reality show “Britney and Paris go to Chernobyl!”
St. Louis (7-9): Doyle Grange, RB, Georgia. Grange is part of the makeover of the Rams’ offense from pass-centric to a more balanced attack (5% run, 95% passing).
Jacksonville (8-8): Avery McAverage, Utility Infielder, State U. This move helps cement Jacksonville’s status as your average NFL team. Word is that, in violation of the tampering rules, they’ve already given him an average salary offer.
Kansas City (8-8): Phillip “Hooligan” Reid, DE, Miami. Part of Herm Edwards’ continued “character development” program. Reid has been plagued in the past by drug arrests, murder indictments, assault, and charges of illegal transportation of a mallard, but he has gone at least three months without a new arrest while being in held in solitary confinement at the U. Miami coach Ralph Thuggerson said that Reid is misunderstood and is actually “very sensitive.”
Orlando Mice (8-8): J.K. Rowling, Author, North Anglican Scrivener’s University. In their second season since relocating from Tampa Bay, the Mice will draft prolific author and rightsholder J.K. Rowling, hoping to bastardize her literary work for cheap Disney cartoons for years to come.
Carolina (8-8): Russ Minuoue, DT, Hawaii. The 6’ 10”, 642-lb defensive lineman will add some heft to the league’s smallest line, which weighed in at a petite 580 lbs last season.
Pittsburgh (8-8): Rock Cartrwright, QB, Boston College. Chin of granite, arms of iron, heart of stone, and ACL of spaghetti, Cartrwright is a major risk after missing all four years in college due to injury.
Tennessee (9-7): Dr. Mike Cody, CEO, Lenscrafters. Cody has publicly stated that he hopes to help out the “obvious visual problems in Tennessee for fans that still insist the Music City Miracle was a lateral.”
Atlanta (9-7): Mike Vick, QB, US Federal Prison System. Vick played well for the Falcons in his first return before being arrested for running an illegal goldfish-eating operation behind his house on Aerator Road. They just hope he doesn’t get arrested in January again, like he did in 2012, costing them a Superbowl.
Minnesota (9-7): Cy Sperling, not just president of Hair Club for Men, but also a client. With fans ripping their hair out season after wasted season, this seems like a natural fit.
Denver (9-6-1): Kris Ragarm, QB, Limpwrist University. Having finally regained form last season after suffering five years of futility since discovering that coach Mike Shanahan was actually a terminator from the future sent to destroy Jake Plummer, fans have to wonder if this is the right move following the “Jay Cutler” disaster of 2008.
Philadelphia (10-6): Ben Richards, Pilot, USMC. The Eagles are hoping that Richards can help clean up the mean streets of Philadelphia, or if not, at least be relied upon to utter pithy one-liners as the team collapses in on itself during is biannual “blame the other guy” stretch.
Houston (10-6): Katie Holmes, beard, Hollywood. Sadly, she may well be the manliest player on the team.
Seattle (11-5): “Pudge” Kirsky, WR, West Virginia. Year after year, Seattle loses in the playoffs despite being head-and-shoulders better than their opponents in the NFC West, which sucks. So a Big East alum should fit right in here.
New York Scandlers (11-5): Marty McFly, LT, Colgate. Since Eli Manning retired in disgrace after the sex tape between him, rap star Lil’ Ho, and Shia LeBoeuf was released, the Scandlers have been like a rudderless ship. McFly can change all that with his movie-star good looks.
San Diego Chargers (12-4): Melvin Powers, WR, Texas A&M. If the Chargers once again lose in the first round of the playoffs, it’s possible that head coach Norv Turner’s job might be in jeopardy.
Dallas Egomaniacs (12-4): Suge Knight, Mogul, Death Row Records. Ghoulish caricature Jerry Jones continues to collect castoffs and low-character players, but the results speak for themselves: two Super Bowl appearances, fifteen arrests, and the only locker room in the NFL with a stripper’s pole
New England (13-3): Photoshopped pictures of Peyton Manning with a goat, TMZ.com. Bellicheck will have to satisfy himself by chortling over fake photos of his nemesis while wallowing in his own filth on the thirty-third floor of the MGM Grand.
Indianapolis (13-3): Kyle Brody, OT, Delaware. The Colts would really love to draft highly-touted WR Barry Gordon, but his agent, Scott Boras, is asking for the GNP of Peru in order to sign “the fastest man alive.”
New Orleans (14-2): Hans Blix, dissembler, UN. Having reached the Superbowl via their powerful defense, the Saints will likely go winless this year since they can’t have two consecutive decent seasons. They’re hoping Blix can explain to fans why that is, exactly.
Green Bay (15-1): Britt Forve, QB, Missippi Mudhole U. Even though they won the Superbowl, the Packers can’t escape the long shadow of their iconic QB from the end of the 20th century. While Forve doesn’t look the part, he did throw an NCAA-record 162 interceptions, half of them game-ending, so Cheesehead faithful have something to hope for. Also promising: Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King had to be treated for the vapors after he met Forve, and said the senior “sent feelings through me I thought were long dead.”
Anyway, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to give you the ultimate insider’s view of the NFL draft: the 2013 draft. Not only am I plugged in to high-school football, I have advanced computer models. And if a computer said it, it must be true.
The 2012 record is in parenthesis.
Miami (1-15): Tadd Hapscott, QB, Notre Dame. Having seen the poise, presence, and gravity-defying way that Brady Quinn carried the clipboard in Cleveland the past six seasons, Miami is desperate to finally resolve their QB crises that has persisted since the departure of Dan Marino.
Oakland (1-14-1): Mino Taur, RB, LSU. The 5’8” 1052-lb Taur will give the Raiders a desperately-needed RB, since they had had an NFL-record 44 tries from 2 yards or less that they failed to convert. However, Taur has been plagued by rumors that he is actually a small bull in a helmet, and the NFL announced he must pass a “Species Test” before they will certify him to play.
Detroit (2-14): Cud Foley, WR, Nebraska. Even though Nebraska has used the T-Wing since 2011, latter-day Rasputin Matt Millen is sure that Foley is the missing link in his fifteen-year, WR-based rebuilding plan.
Arizona (3-13): Ricky Williams, Guru, Calcutta State (India). Since Williams never really had any impact in the pros, his eligibility has been reset after becoming a certified Guru from Calcutta State. The Cardinals are hoping he can exorcise their demons and help them finally reach 5 wins this decade.
New England (acquired via trade from San Francisco for Scott Pioli’s DNA and a bag of marbles): John Q. Smith, position unknown, Nondescript State University. Though concerns persist that Bill Bellicheck’s withdrawal to an isolated hotel room in Las Vegas will hurt team focus, it is sure that New England will once again take a player nobody ever heard of and make him a star.
Cincinnati (4-12): The entire graduating class of Harvard Law. Having forfeited six games in 2012 because too many players were suspended to field a team, Cincinnati is hoping that this will get their players out of court and onto the field. Salary cap room may be a concern, however.
Washington (5-11): NMSU observatory refractory mirror, NMSU. Daniel Snyder saw the mirror while on a tour and said that “he’s the most handsome guy coming out of the draft this year.”
Cleveland (5-11): Carlos Vincenzo, WR, UCLA. Despite seven consecutive pro bowl appearances, fans are still calling for Derek Anderson to be replaced by Brady Quinn at QB. Vincenzo will be a valuable deep threat for Anderson, which was sorely lacking in last year’s WR corps.
Baltimore (6-10): Pheekus “Slim” Whitman, QB, Arkansas. Despite going 2-9 last year, everyone says that Whitman is a can’t-miss prospect, so Baltimore will snap him up here to avoid having to pay less for him when he will surely be available later in the draft.
NY Jets (6-10): Jack Bauer, agent, FBI. Convinced that their stadium is rigged with electronic monitoring devices by the hated Patriots, whom they have not beaten for four seasons, the Jets are hoping Bauer can find the devices within 24 hours and save the world, their season, and some woman with heaving bosoms.
Chicago (7-9): Craig Spurrier, QB, USC. In addition to getting a polished QB, the Bears are hoping to lure his famous father out of retirement to be their head coach as well.
Los Angeles Starzz (7-9 as Buffalo Bills in 2012): Paris Spears, K, Hollywood Hills Community College. In their inaugural season the Starzz are determined to change the way the NFL does business, from their all-transvestite offensive line to their powder blue uniforms. Their draft strategy is also daring, as they will take Paris Spears, the hideous creature that was created during an accident on the Fox reality show “Britney and Paris go to Chernobyl!”
St. Louis (7-9): Doyle Grange, RB, Georgia. Grange is part of the makeover of the Rams’ offense from pass-centric to a more balanced attack (5% run, 95% passing).
Jacksonville (8-8): Avery McAverage, Utility Infielder, State U. This move helps cement Jacksonville’s status as your average NFL team. Word is that, in violation of the tampering rules, they’ve already given him an average salary offer.
Kansas City (8-8): Phillip “Hooligan” Reid, DE, Miami. Part of Herm Edwards’ continued “character development” program. Reid has been plagued in the past by drug arrests, murder indictments, assault, and charges of illegal transportation of a mallard, but he has gone at least three months without a new arrest while being in held in solitary confinement at the U. Miami coach Ralph Thuggerson said that Reid is misunderstood and is actually “very sensitive.”
Orlando Mice (8-8): J.K. Rowling, Author, North Anglican Scrivener’s University. In their second season since relocating from Tampa Bay, the Mice will draft prolific author and rightsholder J.K. Rowling, hoping to bastardize her literary work for cheap Disney cartoons for years to come.
Carolina (8-8): Russ Minuoue, DT, Hawaii. The 6’ 10”, 642-lb defensive lineman will add some heft to the league’s smallest line, which weighed in at a petite 580 lbs last season.
Pittsburgh (8-8): Rock Cartrwright, QB, Boston College. Chin of granite, arms of iron, heart of stone, and ACL of spaghetti, Cartrwright is a major risk after missing all four years in college due to injury.
Tennessee (9-7): Dr. Mike Cody, CEO, Lenscrafters. Cody has publicly stated that he hopes to help out the “obvious visual problems in Tennessee for fans that still insist the Music City Miracle was a lateral.”
Atlanta (9-7): Mike Vick, QB, US Federal Prison System. Vick played well for the Falcons in his first return before being arrested for running an illegal goldfish-eating operation behind his house on Aerator Road. They just hope he doesn’t get arrested in January again, like he did in 2012, costing them a Superbowl.
Minnesota (9-7): Cy Sperling, not just president of Hair Club for Men, but also a client. With fans ripping their hair out season after wasted season, this seems like a natural fit.
Denver (9-6-1): Kris Ragarm, QB, Limpwrist University. Having finally regained form last season after suffering five years of futility since discovering that coach Mike Shanahan was actually a terminator from the future sent to destroy Jake Plummer, fans have to wonder if this is the right move following the “Jay Cutler” disaster of 2008.
Philadelphia (10-6): Ben Richards, Pilot, USMC. The Eagles are hoping that Richards can help clean up the mean streets of Philadelphia, or if not, at least be relied upon to utter pithy one-liners as the team collapses in on itself during is biannual “blame the other guy” stretch.
Houston (10-6): Katie Holmes, beard, Hollywood. Sadly, she may well be the manliest player on the team.
Seattle (11-5): “Pudge” Kirsky, WR, West Virginia. Year after year, Seattle loses in the playoffs despite being head-and-shoulders better than their opponents in the NFC West, which sucks. So a Big East alum should fit right in here.
New York Scandlers (11-5): Marty McFly, LT, Colgate. Since Eli Manning retired in disgrace after the sex tape between him, rap star Lil’ Ho, and Shia LeBoeuf was released, the Scandlers have been like a rudderless ship. McFly can change all that with his movie-star good looks.
San Diego Chargers (12-4): Melvin Powers, WR, Texas A&M. If the Chargers once again lose in the first round of the playoffs, it’s possible that head coach Norv Turner’s job might be in jeopardy.
Dallas Egomaniacs (12-4): Suge Knight, Mogul, Death Row Records. Ghoulish caricature Jerry Jones continues to collect castoffs and low-character players, but the results speak for themselves: two Super Bowl appearances, fifteen arrests, and the only locker room in the NFL with a stripper’s pole
New England (13-3): Photoshopped pictures of Peyton Manning with a goat, TMZ.com. Bellicheck will have to satisfy himself by chortling over fake photos of his nemesis while wallowing in his own filth on the thirty-third floor of the MGM Grand.
Indianapolis (13-3): Kyle Brody, OT, Delaware. The Colts would really love to draft highly-touted WR Barry Gordon, but his agent, Scott Boras, is asking for the GNP of Peru in order to sign “the fastest man alive.”
New Orleans (14-2): Hans Blix, dissembler, UN. Having reached the Superbowl via their powerful defense, the Saints will likely go winless this year since they can’t have two consecutive decent seasons. They’re hoping Blix can explain to fans why that is, exactly.
Green Bay (15-1): Britt Forve, QB, Missippi Mudhole U. Even though they won the Superbowl, the Packers can’t escape the long shadow of their iconic QB from the end of the 20th century. While Forve doesn’t look the part, he did throw an NCAA-record 162 interceptions, half of them game-ending, so Cheesehead faithful have something to hope for. Also promising: Sports Illustrated columnist Peter King had to be treated for the vapors after he met Forve, and said the senior “sent feelings through me I thought were long dead.”
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Brett Favre Hangs it Up
I guess Peter King will finally have to get that Viagra prescription filled instead of pulling out the old Packers highlights when the missus gets frisky, because Brett Favre has called it a career. And any further vision of the Great Gunslinger in uniform can only bring bitter tears of regret instead of setting the hearts of sportswriters everywhere atwitter.
Here's hoping they can find a good replacement, because with President-elect Obama soon to outlaw cheese, there's just no reason to go on living in Wisconsin if the Packers aren't any good.
Here's hoping they can find a good replacement, because with President-elect Obama soon to outlaw cheese, there's just no reason to go on living in Wisconsin if the Packers aren't any good.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Superbowl Winners and Losers
Some leftover thoughts about the real winners and losers from Supberbowl XLII, a bright spot in the endless winter of presidential primaries:
WINNER: Reading Programs in Impoverished Countries: Students won’t just improve their English as they read “19-0: The Perfect Season”, they’ll also learn a valuable lesson about hubris.
LOSER: Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey: Tiki takes over mantle for “most unmissed retiree”, while Shockey must now endure teammates saying “shut up, moron, we only won the Superbowl without you.”
WINNER: Tom Petty: proved that reports of his death had been greatly exaggerated.
LOSER: Tom Petty: HDTV shows viewers that reports of his embalming may have been accurate.
WINNER: Ham-fisted oligarch: Already had a superbowl ring from the Patriots; now he can have a second one from the Giants.
LOSER: Lazy writers: finally have to delete “Can Manning win the big one?” from their autotext, or at least not use until the 2030’s when Petyon’s first kid enters the league.
WINNER: Jean Strahan: earns 50% of a Superbowl share, with none of the ligament damage. Who said men are smarter than women?
LOSER: Arizona-area VHS outlets: the expected “Bellicheck Boom” wasn’t realized since Patriots converted to digital after Spygate.
WINNER: The Manning family: saved from decades of fraternal squabbling.
LOSER: The Mara family: having lascivious writers publicly ogle your young daughter probably takes some of the fun away from the run-up to the Superbowl.
WINNER: Miami Dolphins: Now they’re not the only ones who choked away a perfect 2007 season.
LOSER: Joe Namath: Plaxico Burress showed he’s Broadway Joe’s equal. If Burress can keep from putting on pantyhose and slobbering on sideline reporters, he’ll have proven himself Namath’s superior.
WINNER: Reading Programs in Impoverished Countries: Students won’t just improve their English as they read “19-0: The Perfect Season”, they’ll also learn a valuable lesson about hubris.LOSER: Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey: Tiki takes over mantle for “most unmissed retiree”, while Shockey must now endure teammates saying “shut up, moron, we only won the Superbowl without you.”
WINNER: Tom Petty: proved that reports of his death had been greatly exaggerated.LOSER: Tom Petty: HDTV shows viewers that reports of his embalming may have been accurate.
WINNER: Ham-fisted oligarch: Already had a superbowl ring from the Patriots; now he can have a second one from the Giants.LOSER: Lazy writers: finally have to delete “Can Manning win the big one?” from their autotext, or at least not use until the 2030’s when Petyon’s first kid enters the league.
WINNER: Jean Strahan: earns 50% of a Superbowl share, with none of the ligament damage. Who said men are smarter than women?LOSER: Arizona-area VHS outlets: the expected “Bellicheck Boom” wasn’t realized since Patriots converted to digital after Spygate.
WINNER: The Manning family: saved from decades of fraternal squabbling.LOSER: The Mara family: having lascivious writers publicly ogle your young daughter probably takes some of the fun away from the run-up to the Superbowl.
WINNER: Miami Dolphins: Now they’re not the only ones who choked away a perfect 2007 season.LOSER: Joe Namath: Plaxico Burress showed he’s Broadway Joe’s equal. If Burress can keep from putting on pantyhose and slobbering on sideline reporters, he’ll have proven himself Namath’s superior.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Signs that Football Season is Ending
There are certain rituals which must be observed every year when bringing to a close the two professional football leagues (both the NFL and the NFL Children’s Amateur Association, also called the NCAA).
I think most of the ones on this list have been checked off so far:
* The Chargers whine about the Patriots, including a laundry list of generic complaints such as “they play mean” and “they didn’t share the ball!” One bizarre complaint is also included, just to make the Chargers seem particularly bitchy
* Article after article will appear proposing a “final solution” for the “problem” of crowning an NCAA division 1 champion, the college version of the West Bank
* Brett Favre will spend six months considering retirement, with Peter King reporting on his every move as if world peace hangs in the balance
* Just when everyone thinks the NCAA can’t get any seedier or more corrupt, a new allegation will lower the bar, like a booster paying for a team trip to Amsterdam that ends up with ten players arrested while smuggling back dope and steroids for sale on campus
* Columnists will still rhapsodize about how NCAA football is “purer” than professional football
* Norv Turner will continue to find work despite clear on-field evidence that he’s not half the coach that Molly McGrath is, and has none of the potential bubble-bath upside
* Debates between otherwise sane commentators break out about whether Tom Brady is the greatest QB in history, the most handsome QB in history, or both
* As contractually mandated for every credentialed media member, a “can Manning win the big one?” column (Eli or Peyton decided by regional affiliation)
* Bill Parcells will make a public ass of himself to remind everyone that he still exists
* College coaches will be hired and fired apace in both leagues without regard to their performance or the financial impact to the team
* Sportswriters will continue to call coaches who quit “traitorous scum” and expect them to be willing to take a bullet for a team that would fire them for a handful of Bill Bellicheck’s toenail clippings
* Miami will make a boneheaded front-office hiring decision
* With nothing but minor-league sports being played, Sportswriters can turn their attention to a subject on which they’re woefully uninformed: politics
* Sportswriters will also demonstrate statistical ignorance by writing column after column about racial hiring deficiencies in NFL coaching vacancies
* NCAA schools will continue to recycle burned-out white guys because there really is a racial balance problem in the coaching at this level
* Players will stop answering their phones for fear of injury until someone else is chosen to appear on the cover of the latest “Madden Football”
* Everyone will agree that the refs suck and football is worse than it ever has been before
* The same people will shell out thousands for tickets and limited-edition Randy Moss Oakland Raiders “Doobie” Bobbleheads
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
No matter who wins…
WE LOSE !!!
Think on it a moment :
If Boston wins, then we will be bomarded by stories about how Eli and Peyton Manning are both chokers and how the Patriots are the greatest team in the history of the NFL and Boston is having a sports Renaissance. Can you imagine the ESPN head shot of Bill Simmons as Leonardo DaVinci? Did you just vomit a little thinking about it?
If Boston loses, then we have to suffer an avalanche of “Family Feud!” articles about how Eli is better than Peyton and New York is the sports mecca of the world again. We will also be treated to article after article after article about the long-suffering Boston fans and how they have got to be the most star-crossed sports city in the history of the universe.
And those stories were just so much fun the first time around (circa 1960 to 2004).
So no matter who wins the Super Bowl this year, my advice to you is to leave space in your oven for your own head. You’re going to need it.
Think on it a moment :
If Boston wins, then we will be bomarded by stories about how Eli and Peyton Manning are both chokers and how the Patriots are the greatest team in the history of the NFL and Boston is having a sports Renaissance. Can you imagine the ESPN head shot of Bill Simmons as Leonardo DaVinci? Did you just vomit a little thinking about it?
If Boston loses, then we have to suffer an avalanche of “Family Feud!” articles about how Eli is better than Peyton and New York is the sports mecca of the world again. We will also be treated to article after article after article about the long-suffering Boston fans and how they have got to be the most star-crossed sports city in the history of the universe.
And those stories were just so much fun the first time around (circa 1960 to 2004).
So no matter who wins the Super Bowl this year, my advice to you is to leave space in your oven for your own head. You’re going to need it.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
NFL Playoffs Forecast
DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
Seahawks versus Packers
In a game with strong biblical overtones, aged Brett Favre will part the Seahawks defense like the Red Sea, and the Seahawks receivers will handle the football like it has turned into a snake. But the hidden key to this Packers rout is that unlike the Redskins, they have an old quarterback and a young coach, always a key to victory.
Packers 28, Seahawks 14
Jaguars versus Patriots
The first NFL game to be called early in the 4th quarter because the referee is afraid of a fatality, many Patriots players won’t even break a sweat disposing of the Jaguars. Tragedy will strike the Patriots afterwards when Bill Bellichek is struck by lightning. While many blame it on the microcircuitry in his raggedy sweatshirt, some say it was because he claimed in the postgame conference that “Not even God can stop the Patriots!”
Patriots 48, Jaguars 0 (with 22 injuries)
Colts versus Chargers
In between Peyton Manning commercials the best football game of the year will be played between two goliaths of the gridiron. The Chargers will squeak out a gutsy win in the closing seconds of what will be declared an instant classic, though poor officiating and an errant throw by Peyton Manning will play their part. Sportscenter anchors will immediately ask “Can Peyton win another big one?” and start whispering that Dungy is on the hot seat for another postseason failure.
Chargers 21, Colts 20
Giants versus Cowboys
For the first quarter, announcers will incessantly chatter about the comparisons between Eli and Peyton, wondering whether Peyton’s earlier mistake will plague Eli, as if they are the new Tomax and Xamot. In the second quarter cameras will track the reaction of Jessica Simpson to every single play, showing little of the action. The third quarter sees the triumphant return of an injured Terrell Owens, who limps his way to 8 catches and 121 yards with one TD. The fourth quarter has a dramatic, come-from-behind Cowboys win, as well as incessant comparisons of Tony Romo to Brett Favre and John Elway. Tiki Barber will criticize everyone in the Giants organization by name during the postgame show.
Cowboys 35, Giants 30
CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES
Packers versus Cowboys
Brett Favre will win the “Second Battle of the Alamo,” which is only fitting since as a boy he witnessed the first one. After the game TO will say that “I’m not the one who spent the week before the game canoodling with Jessica Simpson.” In addition to causing a rift that will loom over the Cowboys’ 2008 season, it will inspire Snoop Dogg to write the rap hit “Canoodlin Bitches.”
Packers 21, Cowboys 20
Chargers versus Patriots
The Chargers will win in a rout after Tom Brady suddenly corrodes halfway through the first quarter, aging before a horrified stadium of fans into a withered mummy before finally decaying into dust. After the game, a portrait of the Brady will be found hanging in his locker with a knife initialed BM stuck in its heart. Robert Kraft will mutter that at least he doesn’t have to worry about a Russian dictator stealing his XLI Superbowl ring.
Chargers 45, Patriots 7
SUPER BOWL XLII
Chargers versus Packers
Norv Turner’s unique gift at fielding unprepared, incompetent, overmatched teams is on full display in the most lopsided Super Bowl in history. After the game several despondent Chargers are put on suicide watch. Turner is immediately crowned “Worst Coach of the Decade” and fired by San Diego, whereupon Bill Parcells hires him to coach Dallas because “I like a challenge.” Inspired by Favre, AARP spokesman Dan Marino unretires and is immediately hired by Norv Turner because “the future is old quarterbacks.”
Packers 64, Chargers 3
Seahawks versus Packers
In a game with strong biblical overtones, aged Brett Favre will part the Seahawks defense like the Red Sea, and the Seahawks receivers will handle the football like it has turned into a snake. But the hidden key to this Packers rout is that unlike the Redskins, they have an old quarterback and a young coach, always a key to victory.
Packers 28, Seahawks 14
Jaguars versus Patriots
The first NFL game to be called early in the 4th quarter because the referee is afraid of a fatality, many Patriots players won’t even break a sweat disposing of the Jaguars. Tragedy will strike the Patriots afterwards when Bill Bellichek is struck by lightning. While many blame it on the microcircuitry in his raggedy sweatshirt, some say it was because he claimed in the postgame conference that “Not even God can stop the Patriots!”
Patriots 48, Jaguars 0 (with 22 injuries)
Colts versus Chargers
In between Peyton Manning commercials the best football game of the year will be played between two goliaths of the gridiron. The Chargers will squeak out a gutsy win in the closing seconds of what will be declared an instant classic, though poor officiating and an errant throw by Peyton Manning will play their part. Sportscenter anchors will immediately ask “Can Peyton win another big one?” and start whispering that Dungy is on the hot seat for another postseason failure.
Chargers 21, Colts 20
Giants versus Cowboys
For the first quarter, announcers will incessantly chatter about the comparisons between Eli and Peyton, wondering whether Peyton’s earlier mistake will plague Eli, as if they are the new Tomax and Xamot. In the second quarter cameras will track the reaction of Jessica Simpson to every single play, showing little of the action. The third quarter sees the triumphant return of an injured Terrell Owens, who limps his way to 8 catches and 121 yards with one TD. The fourth quarter has a dramatic, come-from-behind Cowboys win, as well as incessant comparisons of Tony Romo to Brett Favre and John Elway. Tiki Barber will criticize everyone in the Giants organization by name during the postgame show.
Cowboys 35, Giants 30
CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES
Packers versus Cowboys
Brett Favre will win the “Second Battle of the Alamo,” which is only fitting since as a boy he witnessed the first one. After the game TO will say that “I’m not the one who spent the week before the game canoodling with Jessica Simpson.” In addition to causing a rift that will loom over the Cowboys’ 2008 season, it will inspire Snoop Dogg to write the rap hit “Canoodlin Bitches.”
Packers 21, Cowboys 20
Chargers versus Patriots
The Chargers will win in a rout after Tom Brady suddenly corrodes halfway through the first quarter, aging before a horrified stadium of fans into a withered mummy before finally decaying into dust. After the game, a portrait of the Brady will be found hanging in his locker with a knife initialed BM stuck in its heart. Robert Kraft will mutter that at least he doesn’t have to worry about a Russian dictator stealing his XLI Superbowl ring.
Chargers 45, Patriots 7
SUPER BOWL XLII
Chargers versus Packers
Norv Turner’s unique gift at fielding unprepared, incompetent, overmatched teams is on full display in the most lopsided Super Bowl in history. After the game several despondent Chargers are put on suicide watch. Turner is immediately crowned “Worst Coach of the Decade” and fired by San Diego, whereupon Bill Parcells hires him to coach Dallas because “I like a challenge.” Inspired by Favre, AARP spokesman Dan Marino unretires and is immediately hired by Norv Turner because “the future is old quarterbacks.”
Packers 64, Chargers 3
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I sense a disturbance in the force
I predict nothing but doom and unhappiness with Bill Parcells in Miami. He's tired and has a short attention span, plus a generous mercenary streak coupled with excessive diarrhea of the mouth and the tendency to blame others for failure while taking credit for everything.
Think he'll be able to get a top-notch coach and GM to work under him with that colorful background? I doubt it.
Miami fans must have violated all ten Football Commandments to have earned such enmity from the Football Gods.
Think he'll be able to get a top-notch coach and GM to work under him with that colorful background? I doubt it.
Miami fans must have violated all ten Football Commandments to have earned such enmity from the Football Gods.
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Touch of Saban
Abandon all hope, ye who hire Nick Saban! Evidence of his corrupting touch is heavy upon the land of football now. Hasten not to clutch this serpent to your breast, football fans, lest his curse befall ye as well!
Hearken ye to the tale of misfortune which attendeth his passing:
Toledo:
Though Saban wrought a commendable 9-2 record while at Toledo and a stunning share of the Mid-American Conference title in 1990, he departed after one sole season as is his capricious nature. Success sitteth not well upon this proud man’s shoulders. The season after him they fell to 5-5-1, only the first of his victims.
Michigan State:
After three largely fruitless seasons, this spawn of Saban managed to achieve a stunning upset victory of #1 ranked Ohio State. Thus he found himself accorded new opportunities to wreak havoc upon the world of football (hough that season, too, ended in mediocrity). Finally Saban caught the luck which all vile creatures yearn for and went 9-2. He then abandoned his charges just before their bowl game to coach LSU, much like a rat paddles towards shore as the boat doth sink. The next season the Spartans fell to 5-6, another victim of his loathsome touch.
LSU:
It is only here that the vile poison of Saban has not drowned those who drunk of it. For though Saban had much success here, then departed for his dream of coaching in the NFL, the Tigers did not fall into disrepute. Perhaps this is due to the awesome skill of Les Miles, or perhaps it is some sort of karmic compensation for the residents of Louisiana enduring a terrible hurricane. Either way, LSU has continued its success, in spite of Nick Saban’s best efforts. Thou may’st be sure it is not because of them!
Miami Dolphins:
Ye faint of heart, regard not what the beast Saban hath wrought here! What vile things have the people of Miami done to deserve such managerial incompetence from Saban, such sabotagery of their hopes and dreams, such desecration of their once-vaunted football legacy? In addition to coaching them to futility, Saban truly destroyed two years’ worth of drafts, utterly gutted their fan base, and laid the foundation for the most abhorrent football season of all time: the potentially 0-16 2007 Miami Dolphins. Egads! At the same time that another team in their division may erase Miami’s sole claim to a perfect season? Such tragedy even Shakespeare would have hesitated to pen.
Alabama:
Mediocrity, thy name is Tide. Somewhere Bear Bryant weeps to see what has become of his much-beloved team. Fans of the Crimson Elephant, I urge you: robe yourselves in sackcloth and ashes, tear your garments, and pray that you will soon be delivered from this Plague of Saban. For he shall guide you to 6-win seasons until his one great stroke of luck, such as known by the golfer not struck dead by lightning. Then he shall abandon ye for another job, because he knoweth no loyalty beyond the dollar, and your nightmare will have just begun.
Hearken ye to the tale of misfortune which attendeth his passing:
Toledo:
Though Saban wrought a commendable 9-2 record while at Toledo and a stunning share of the Mid-American Conference title in 1990, he departed after one sole season as is his capricious nature. Success sitteth not well upon this proud man’s shoulders. The season after him they fell to 5-5-1, only the first of his victims.
Michigan State:
After three largely fruitless seasons, this spawn of Saban managed to achieve a stunning upset victory of #1 ranked Ohio State. Thus he found himself accorded new opportunities to wreak havoc upon the world of football (hough that season, too, ended in mediocrity). Finally Saban caught the luck which all vile creatures yearn for and went 9-2. He then abandoned his charges just before their bowl game to coach LSU, much like a rat paddles towards shore as the boat doth sink. The next season the Spartans fell to 5-6, another victim of his loathsome touch.
LSU:
It is only here that the vile poison of Saban has not drowned those who drunk of it. For though Saban had much success here, then departed for his dream of coaching in the NFL, the Tigers did not fall into disrepute. Perhaps this is due to the awesome skill of Les Miles, or perhaps it is some sort of karmic compensation for the residents of Louisiana enduring a terrible hurricane. Either way, LSU has continued its success, in spite of Nick Saban’s best efforts. Thou may’st be sure it is not because of them!
Miami Dolphins:
Ye faint of heart, regard not what the beast Saban hath wrought here! What vile things have the people of Miami done to deserve such managerial incompetence from Saban, such sabotagery of their hopes and dreams, such desecration of their once-vaunted football legacy? In addition to coaching them to futility, Saban truly destroyed two years’ worth of drafts, utterly gutted their fan base, and laid the foundation for the most abhorrent football season of all time: the potentially 0-16 2007 Miami Dolphins. Egads! At the same time that another team in their division may erase Miami’s sole claim to a perfect season? Such tragedy even Shakespeare would have hesitated to pen.
Alabama:
Mediocrity, thy name is Tide. Somewhere Bear Bryant weeps to see what has become of his much-beloved team. Fans of the Crimson Elephant, I urge you: robe yourselves in sackcloth and ashes, tear your garments, and pray that you will soon be delivered from this Plague of Saban. For he shall guide you to 6-win seasons until his one great stroke of luck, such as known by the golfer not struck dead by lightning. Then he shall abandon ye for another job, because he knoweth no loyalty beyond the dollar, and your nightmare will have just begun.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
NFL Declares This ‘Throwback Weekend’
The NFL today announced that the television blackouts that have fans complaining are not the result of inane bickering over money, but are rather designed as a stirring league-wide “Throwback Weekend.”
The NFL network, holder of the rights to several games including Thursday’s marquee Dallas-Green Bay matchup, will make sure that fans across the country are denied top-quality football and punished by watching bizarre and poorly-chosen local matchups.
“We noticed that our top-selling item was retro jerseys, so we thought, ‘why not go with retro broadcasting?’ We’re going to have cameramen in polyester suits with butterfly collars, sets decked out in lime green and orange, and platform shoes everywhere. And with only two games on per weekend, and those matchups featuring really bad teams, think of all the free time you’ll have to develop other interests!”
Goodell said that it was part of a league-wide rebranding effort that they hoped would pay major dividends. “We’re currently in talks to go to an all pay-per-view format, or perhaps move all games to a subscription channel like HBO or SpiceTV. That way we can reproduce the success that boxing has had with this format. We’re even talking to the NBA on how to get corrupt referees, which will further enhance our brand.”
“The NFL is going to combine the access of boxing, the integrity of basketball, and the technological innovation of baseball to create a truly unique and unforgettable sporting experience. At least, it will be for a handful of fans.”
The NFL network, holder of the rights to several games including Thursday’s marquee Dallas-Green Bay matchup, will make sure that fans across the country are denied top-quality football and punished by watching bizarre and poorly-chosen local matchups.
“We noticed that our top-selling item was retro jerseys, so we thought, ‘why not go with retro broadcasting?’ We’re going to have cameramen in polyester suits with butterfly collars, sets decked out in lime green and orange, and platform shoes everywhere. And with only two games on per weekend, and those matchups featuring really bad teams, think of all the free time you’ll have to develop other interests!”
Goodell said that it was part of a league-wide rebranding effort that they hoped would pay major dividends. “We’re currently in talks to go to an all pay-per-view format, or perhaps move all games to a subscription channel like HBO or SpiceTV. That way we can reproduce the success that boxing has had with this format. We’re even talking to the NBA on how to get corrupt referees, which will further enhance our brand.”
“The NFL is going to combine the access of boxing, the integrity of basketball, and the technological innovation of baseball to create a truly unique and unforgettable sporting experience. At least, it will be for a handful of fans.”
Monday, November 26, 2007
NFL Gashouse Gorillas
You know what this year’s NFL season reminds me of? That Bugs Bunny cartoon where the Gashouse Gorillas are beating up on the Teetotalers 56-0, and Bugs jeers them until they force him to play against them all alone.
In the role of the Gashouse Gorillas, I give you: the New England Patriots. Despite their scare against the Eagles and the Colts, they’ve pretty much pummeled everybody else. And if anybody can fill out the role of the cheating, cigar-spewing, booze-swilling, abusive leader of the Gashouse Gorillas, it’s Bill Bellicheck.
The NFL version of the Teetotalers this year are the Jets, Dolphins, Bengals, Ravens, Texans, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders, Eagles, Redskins, Vikings, Bears, Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Cardinals, 49ers, and Rams. Can you remember a season where after 11 games there were 18 putrid teams so easily identified? No, me neither.
But who’s going to be Bugs Bunny and come up with the big win against the Gashouse Patriots? Here’s my take (each team’s “Bugs Quotient” is the likelihood that, should the Patriots lose, they’ll be the team that beats them).
Cleveland: You’re kidding, right? The Browns are the NFL version of Road Runner: without serious violations in the laws of physics, they’re going to get chewed up and spit out. And I really don’t think that Physics will be taking a holiday any time soon.
Bugs Quotient: 5%
Dallas: If Dallas and New England have a rematch in the Super Bowl, for many fans it would be like watching the Road Runner battle Speedy Gonzales: you’d be desperate for both of them to be destroyed, but know that your hope would ultimately go unfulfilled.
Bugs Quotient: 55%
Detroit: Th-th-th-they’re season’s pr-pr-pr-pr-prob’ly over beca-beca-beca…aw, forget it. They suck.
Bugs Quotient: 2%
Green Bay: Probably the best chance of beating the Patriots, given that Favre would have mojo and storyline on his side. But I would recommend sedating Peter King during the Super Bowl to make sure he doesn’t run out on the field with 0:03 left and start dry-humping Brett Favre’s leg, thus potentially costing Green Bay the game.
Bugs Quotient: 65%
Indianapolis: Sufferin’ succotash! With all the injuries they’ve sustained the last few weeks, I think they’re more aptly used in a ‘Karate Kid’ reference. And the day I start making facile ‘Karate Kid’ references is the day I become Bill Simmons. Which not coincidentally is the day I’ll start looking for a nice, quiet place to hang myself.
Bugs Quotient: 30%
Jacksonville: Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet: they’re hunting mediocwity. What are the odds that they could play the 60 consecutive minutes of flawless football necessary to beat a force of nature like the Patriots?
Bugs Quotient: 10%
New York Giants: If Big Sylvester can’t come through against the giant kangaroo that has somehow been mistaken for a mouse, how can you possibly expect Little Sylvester to succeed?
Bugs Quotient: 5%
Pittsburgh: They are the last, best hope of beating the Patriots before the playoffs, in what will surely be a titanic showdown in Week 14. But the Steelers just feel more like a Daffy Duck team than a Bugs Bunny team: loud, obnoxious, and ultimately ineffective.
Bugs Quotient: 45%
Roger Gooddell: Technically he's not a team, but he does make a special guest appearance as the craven umpire who lets the Gashouse Gorillas swing for the fences using a freaking telephone pole. One minute he's swaggering around like Buford Pusser, the next he's cowering like Rosco P. Coltrane. Which is it, Commissioner Big Dumb Dickhead?
In the role of the Gashouse Gorillas, I give you: the New England Patriots. Despite their scare against the Eagles and the Colts, they’ve pretty much pummeled everybody else. And if anybody can fill out the role of the cheating, cigar-spewing, booze-swilling, abusive leader of the Gashouse Gorillas, it’s Bill Bellicheck.
The NFL version of the Teetotalers this year are the Jets, Dolphins, Bengals, Ravens, Texans, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders, Eagles, Redskins, Vikings, Bears, Saints, Panthers, Falcons, Cardinals, 49ers, and Rams. Can you remember a season where after 11 games there were 18 putrid teams so easily identified? No, me neither.But who’s going to be Bugs Bunny and come up with the big win against the Gashouse Patriots? Here’s my take (each team’s “Bugs Quotient” is the likelihood that, should the Patriots lose, they’ll be the team that beats them).
Cleveland: You’re kidding, right? The Browns are the NFL version of Road Runner: without serious violations in the laws of physics, they’re going to get chewed up and spit out. And I really don’t think that Physics will be taking a holiday any time soon.Bugs Quotient: 5%
Dallas: If Dallas and New England have a rematch in the Super Bowl, for many fans it would be like watching the Road Runner battle Speedy Gonzales: you’d be desperate for both of them to be destroyed, but know that your hope would ultimately go unfulfilled.Bugs Quotient: 55%
Detroit: Th-th-th-they’re season’s pr-pr-pr-pr-prob’ly over beca-beca-beca…aw, forget it. They suck.Bugs Quotient: 2%
Green Bay: Probably the best chance of beating the Patriots, given that Favre would have mojo and storyline on his side. But I would recommend sedating Peter King during the Super Bowl to make sure he doesn’t run out on the field with 0:03 left and start dry-humping Brett Favre’s leg, thus potentially costing Green Bay the game.Bugs Quotient: 65%
Indianapolis: Sufferin’ succotash! With all the injuries they’ve sustained the last few weeks, I think they’re more aptly used in a ‘Karate Kid’ reference. And the day I start making facile ‘Karate Kid’ references is the day I become Bill Simmons. Which not coincidentally is the day I’ll start looking for a nice, quiet place to hang myself.Bugs Quotient: 30%
Jacksonville: Shh! Be vewy, vewy quiet: they’re hunting mediocwity. What are the odds that they could play the 60 consecutive minutes of flawless football necessary to beat a force of nature like the Patriots?Bugs Quotient: 10%
New York Giants: If Big Sylvester can’t come through against the giant kangaroo that has somehow been mistaken for a mouse, how can you possibly expect Little Sylvester to succeed?Bugs Quotient: 5%
Pittsburgh: They are the last, best hope of beating the Patriots before the playoffs, in what will surely be a titanic showdown in Week 14. But the Steelers just feel more like a Daffy Duck team than a Bugs Bunny team: loud, obnoxious, and ultimately ineffective.Bugs Quotient: 45%
Roger Gooddell: Technically he's not a team, but he does make a special guest appearance as the craven umpire who lets the Gashouse Gorillas swing for the fences using a freaking telephone pole. One minute he's swaggering around like Buford Pusser, the next he's cowering like Rosco P. Coltrane. Which is it, Commissioner Big Dumb Dickhead?Bugs Quotient: -100%
San Diego: Ah, the Yosemite Sams of the NFL. Why’s that, you ask? Because this guy habitually underperforms: he’s carrying a gun and is a self-described “baddest man in the West”, yet can’t kill one stinking rabbit?
Bugs Quotient: 0.0025%
Seattle: These guys are the Wile E. Coyotes of football: if they can figure out a way to lose the game, they’re jolly well going to do it, whether you want them to or not. And they went out of their way years ago to alienate the referees, so they’re all set in that department, as well.
Bugs Quotient: 15%
Tennessee: In order for Tennessee to get a shot at New England, they’ll have to make the playoffs. That won’t happen, so it’s just as likely that Mickey Mouse would step in to help Bugs Bunny.
Bugs Quotient: 1%
Tampa Bay: Being the best team in the NFC south is like being Tweety Bird, Looney Tunes’ most popular character after Bugs, Daffy, Elmer, and Porky Pig: everybody who knows you exist hates you.
Bugs Quotient: 3%
San Diego: Ah, the Yosemite Sams of the NFL. Why’s that, you ask? Because this guy habitually underperforms: he’s carrying a gun and is a self-described “baddest man in the West”, yet can’t kill one stinking rabbit?Bugs Quotient: 0.0025%
Seattle: These guys are the Wile E. Coyotes of football: if they can figure out a way to lose the game, they’re jolly well going to do it, whether you want them to or not. And they went out of their way years ago to alienate the referees, so they’re all set in that department, as well.Bugs Quotient: 15%
Tennessee: In order for Tennessee to get a shot at New England, they’ll have to make the playoffs. That won’t happen, so it’s just as likely that Mickey Mouse would step in to help Bugs Bunny.Bugs Quotient: 1%
Tampa Bay: Being the best team in the NFC south is like being Tweety Bird, Looney Tunes’ most popular character after Bugs, Daffy, Elmer, and Porky Pig: everybody who knows you exist hates you.Bugs Quotient: 3%
Advice from the Great War for College Football Fans
During World War 1, veterans used to tell newcomers to the trenches that the best way to survive was to “keep your ass down and your mouth shut.” That advice came back to me this weekend as the top team (LSU) lost for what seemed like the tenth week in a row, opening up a new top spot.
What’s amazing to me is not that the highly-ranked college football teams lose to what should be “inferior” teams. College football is by its nature unpredictable, and every year several highly-ranked teams are paper tigers.
What amazes me is the arrogance of the average fan when his team suddenly finds itself nearing the top ranking. They become absolutely insufferable: they should be ranked higher, they’re the greatest team ever, finally those losers ahead of them got their comeuppance, etc. They never seem to think, for one second, that their team is simply next on the chopping block.
It’s important to keep things in perspective, particularly if you derive psychic happiness from something like college football. That’s especially true during a year like this, where teams like Appalachian State are revealing that the emperor has no clothes. The best tactic would be to simply keep your ass down, your mouth shut, and hope that your team can win out in their bowl game.
After that you can brag all you wish, and others have to simply suffer you.
What’s amazing to me is not that the highly-ranked college football teams lose to what should be “inferior” teams. College football is by its nature unpredictable, and every year several highly-ranked teams are paper tigers.
What amazes me is the arrogance of the average fan when his team suddenly finds itself nearing the top ranking. They become absolutely insufferable: they should be ranked higher, they’re the greatest team ever, finally those losers ahead of them got their comeuppance, etc. They never seem to think, for one second, that their team is simply next on the chopping block.
It’s important to keep things in perspective, particularly if you derive psychic happiness from something like college football. That’s especially true during a year like this, where teams like Appalachian State are revealing that the emperor has no clothes. The best tactic would be to simply keep your ass down, your mouth shut, and hope that your team can win out in their bowl game.
After that you can brag all you wish, and others have to simply suffer you.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Return of the Ricky
Ricky Williams is set to return to the NFL, and it appears that he’ll be going back to Miami. However, this presents a serious problem to the Dolphins: will the addition of an average running back suddenly transform their putrid offense to merely terrible, thus giving them a chance to win against a team which has been decimated by injuries and poisoned sushi?
It would be better if Miami didn’t play Williams, but rather immediately dealt him to one of the other 31 NFL franchises in order to protect their dream of an 0-16 season.
So let’s take a look at which team might be the appropriate choice for Ricky:
Arizona
Trade For: Matt Leinart
Pros: What Miami is really missing is a “name” QB to lead them to a winless season and validate their struggles. Owing to his drastically overrated college experience, Leinart is a big-name QB without any real chance of winning a game by himself.
Cons: Phoenix is awfully close to Mexico, and anyone who watches Spring Break movies knows that it’s a cesspool of degradation and debauchery, which will be awfully tempting for the newly-reformed Williams.
Atlanta
Trade For: The rights to Michael Vick when he gets out of prison
Pros: The Atlanta fans are very forgiving and willing to overlook any kind of misdemeanor.
Cons: If Miami doesn’t suck in 3 years, Atlanta may find it difficult to get Vick’s rights back. But that scenario seems unlikely.
Baltimore
Trade For: Tony Siragusa’s affiliation with the team
Pros: Any regular commentator won’t do for an 0-16 run; you need an epically bad commentator who is barely literate and who makes asinine, non sequiter commentary. Enter the Goose.
Cons: Baltimore player personnel man Ozzie Newsome might slap Ricky Williams (in keeping with his philosophy) and damage his fragile psyche.
Buffalo
Trade For: The legacy of OJ Simpson
Pros: This is a zero-sum deal, since both objects (Williams and Simpsons’ legacy) are worthless.
Cons: Would require approval of Ronald Goldman.
Carolina
Trade For: Steve Smith
Pros: Smith is unhappy with the Panthers. After he gets a taste of what a dreadful team is like, he’ll be begging to play for a mediocre one.
Cons: There’s a slight risk of victory by adding a top wide receiver to the Dolphins.
Chicago
Trade For: Rex Grossman and 5 million dollars
Pros: If Miami really wants to go “catastrophically bad” then they need a guy capable of posting a QB rating in single digits.
Cons: If they had any sense, Miami wouldn’t accept Grossman for 5 million dollars.
Cincinnati
Trade For: Chad Johnson (released from Bengals for Time Served)
Pros: As long as he’s coming back from a disciplinary suspension, why shouldn’t Williams go to the NFL’s version of a chain gang?
Cons: I’m not sure Ricky Williams deserves being sent to live in Cincinnati.
Cleveland
Trade For: Jamaal Lewis
Pros: On rolling paper this seems like an even swap, except Lewis’ legs have more yardage on them from running away from police.
Cons: Cleveland may not be motivated to make this move for the slight gain from over-the-hill running back to never-was running back.
Dallas
Trade For: Tony Romo’s latest romantic conquest
Pros: If Terrell Owens can prosper here, then so can Ricky Williams.
Cons: Nate Newton may still live in the area.
Denver
Trade For: A sliver of Mike Shanahan’s ample ego
Pros: Will help lift Miami’s spirits even as they plumb the depths of ineptitude.
Cons: Williams may become discouraged once he learns the exact meaning of Rocky Mountain High.
Detroit
Trade For: Defensive coach Joe Cullen
Pros: Cullen’s pantsless drive-through approach is probably weirding out John Kitna, who could also help Ricky to find religion and turn his life around.
Cons: There’s a risk that Cullen could keep Miami’s opponents to under 25 points per game, thus jeopardizing their shot at 0-16.
Green Bay
Trade For: Access to Brett Favre’s reyouthanator.
Pros: After spending some time in Favre’s reyouthanator, Dan Marino will be ready for another NFL season.
Cons: Even with Marino the Dolphins would be 20 players short of a decent college football team.
Houston
Trade For: Mario Williams
Pros: Would finally achieve the secret desire of every Texans fans: Mario Williams for a running back. No new jersey required, either!
Cons: Similar problems to Arizona.
Indianapolis
Trade For: The curse of Mono Tiki Tia, which has decimated their season with injuries
Pros: The voodoo curse that has seized the Colts the last two weeks will only be broken by a skilled spiritualist like Ricky Williams.
Cons: It is unclear how Miami’s curse and the Indianapolis curse would interact; the resulting vortex of injurious incompetence might destroy Southern Florida as we know it.
Jacksonville
Trade For: John Carney (kicker)
Pros: Do you really want a guy named “Carney” on your team?
Cons: Jacksonville likes to play just at the level of their opponent, which might be difficult if they’re facing a top-notch running back.
Kansas City
Trade For: The Kansas City Chief, who will henceforth be riding a Dolphin to make the scariest mascot combo in the sports universe.
Pros: It’s hard to get into any trouble in Kansas.
Cons: Kansas is really, really, really boring.
Minnesota
Trade For: Fred Smoot’s little black book
Pros: Dolphins players need aid and comfort wherever they can find them, and there’s plenty of warm water in the vicinity to go boating.
Cons: At the rate Minnesota is going through running backs, Williams will be on IR before he’s two games into his new career.
New England
Trade For: 100x magnification secret hoodie camera
Pros: New England has a good track record of reforming players with past disciplinary and attitude problems.
Cons: Putting Williams and Randy Moss together might lead to the Patriots’ season going up in smoke.
New Orleans
Trade For: Reggie Bush
Pros: The last time somebody picked Williams over Bush, it didn’t turn out so bad.
Cons: This pairing didn’t work out so well the first time.
NY Giants
Trade For: Michael Strahan
Pros: This would help Strahan go to a more low-profile environment as he recovers from his painful divorce.
Cons: If a firm marriage like the Strahans couldn’t make it in New York, how are Ricky Williams and Mike Ditka going to make it last there?
NY Jets
Trade For: Chad Pennington’s surgeon
Pros: After playing New England twice, Miami will desperately need doctor.
Cons: Since the Jets play in New Jersey but are called New York, you can imagine that it’ll be difficult for Williams to figure out just exactly where to go on game day.
Oakland
Trade For: JaMarcus Russell
Pros: As long as the Raiders aren’t going to develop their QB of the future, he might as well not develop in Miami.
Cons: The last weed-smoking bad boy the Raiders took a chance on didn’t pan out so well with them. But on the upside, Williams could look forward to a massive career revival when he left the Raiders.
Philadelphia
Trade For: Donovan McNabb
Pros: There’s no backup QB to threaten McNabb in Miami the way there is in Philadelphia. Plus, the weather is much nicer in Miami.
Cons: Williams may not be mobile enough to satisfy the local Philadelphia NAACP.
Pittsburgh
Trade For: Ben Roethlisberger’s motorcycle helmet (practically unused!)
Pros: The Steelers really need a running back to step in and fill Jerome Bettis’ place.
Cons: It’s really, really cold in Pittsburgh, and their baseball team is terrible.
San Diego
Trade For: Chargers coach Norv Turner
Pros: I’m sure that Miami coach Cam Cameron is a nice guy and all, but do you really trust him with the difficult task of going unwon? If ever a coaching job called for the singular incompetence of Norv Turner, it was this one.
Cons: San Diego allegedly has a pretty good running back, although there’s been scant evidence of that this year.
San Francisco
Trade For: Joe Montana’s jock strap
Pros: This is one item that none of the current 49ers players are worthy to carry anyways.
Cons: Neither are any of the Dolphins players.
Seattle
Trade For: Shaun Alexander
Pros: Big step up for Seattle.
Cons: Big step down for Miami, even if Ricky Williams is already burned out.
St. Louis
Trade For: Crumpled papers from under Mike Martz’ old office couch
Pros: No matter what’s written on those papers, they detail a better offensive scheme than the one employed by the Dolphins.
Cons: The Dolphins don’t nearly have the personnel to carry out the schematics outlined on the papers.
Tampa Bay
Trade For: Ronde Barber
Pros: Barber will bolster the Dolphins defense, and help shore up Tampa Bay’s running back problems.
Cons: Tiki Barber might be moved to come out of retirement to keep his brother from having a Super Bowl ring AND a winless season, thus making Ronde able to top Tiki when telling war stories at family reunions.
Tennessee
Trade For: Diagrams of the Music City Miracle play.
Pros: Will give the Dolphins offense at least one forward pass in their playbook.
Cons: In order for a forward pass to work, you need a quarterback.
Washington
Trade For: Owner Daniel Snyder
Pros: Going winless couldn’t happen to a nicer guy than Snyder.
Cons: I don’t know who owns the Dolphins, but he certainly doesn’t deserve to be saddled with the Redskins.
It would be better if Miami didn’t play Williams, but rather immediately dealt him to one of the other 31 NFL franchises in order to protect their dream of an 0-16 season.
So let’s take a look at which team might be the appropriate choice for Ricky:
Arizona
Trade For: Matt Leinart
Pros: What Miami is really missing is a “name” QB to lead them to a winless season and validate their struggles. Owing to his drastically overrated college experience, Leinart is a big-name QB without any real chance of winning a game by himself.
Cons: Phoenix is awfully close to Mexico, and anyone who watches Spring Break movies knows that it’s a cesspool of degradation and debauchery, which will be awfully tempting for the newly-reformed Williams.
Atlanta
Trade For: The rights to Michael Vick when he gets out of prison
Pros: The Atlanta fans are very forgiving and willing to overlook any kind of misdemeanor.
Cons: If Miami doesn’t suck in 3 years, Atlanta may find it difficult to get Vick’s rights back. But that scenario seems unlikely.
Baltimore
Trade For: Tony Siragusa’s affiliation with the team
Pros: Any regular commentator won’t do for an 0-16 run; you need an epically bad commentator who is barely literate and who makes asinine, non sequiter commentary. Enter the Goose.
Cons: Baltimore player personnel man Ozzie Newsome might slap Ricky Williams (in keeping with his philosophy) and damage his fragile psyche.
Buffalo
Trade For: The legacy of OJ Simpson
Pros: This is a zero-sum deal, since both objects (Williams and Simpsons’ legacy) are worthless.
Cons: Would require approval of Ronald Goldman.
Carolina
Trade For: Steve Smith
Pros: Smith is unhappy with the Panthers. After he gets a taste of what a dreadful team is like, he’ll be begging to play for a mediocre one.
Cons: There’s a slight risk of victory by adding a top wide receiver to the Dolphins.
Chicago
Trade For: Rex Grossman and 5 million dollars
Pros: If Miami really wants to go “catastrophically bad” then they need a guy capable of posting a QB rating in single digits.
Cons: If they had any sense, Miami wouldn’t accept Grossman for 5 million dollars.
Cincinnati
Trade For: Chad Johnson (released from Bengals for Time Served)
Pros: As long as he’s coming back from a disciplinary suspension, why shouldn’t Williams go to the NFL’s version of a chain gang?
Cons: I’m not sure Ricky Williams deserves being sent to live in Cincinnati.
Cleveland
Trade For: Jamaal Lewis
Pros: On rolling paper this seems like an even swap, except Lewis’ legs have more yardage on them from running away from police.
Cons: Cleveland may not be motivated to make this move for the slight gain from over-the-hill running back to never-was running back.
Dallas
Trade For: Tony Romo’s latest romantic conquest
Pros: If Terrell Owens can prosper here, then so can Ricky Williams.
Cons: Nate Newton may still live in the area.
Denver
Trade For: A sliver of Mike Shanahan’s ample ego
Pros: Will help lift Miami’s spirits even as they plumb the depths of ineptitude.
Cons: Williams may become discouraged once he learns the exact meaning of Rocky Mountain High.
Detroit
Trade For: Defensive coach Joe Cullen
Pros: Cullen’s pantsless drive-through approach is probably weirding out John Kitna, who could also help Ricky to find religion and turn his life around.
Cons: There’s a risk that Cullen could keep Miami’s opponents to under 25 points per game, thus jeopardizing their shot at 0-16.
Green Bay
Trade For: Access to Brett Favre’s reyouthanator.
Pros: After spending some time in Favre’s reyouthanator, Dan Marino will be ready for another NFL season.
Cons: Even with Marino the Dolphins would be 20 players short of a decent college football team.
Houston
Trade For: Mario Williams
Pros: Would finally achieve the secret desire of every Texans fans: Mario Williams for a running back. No new jersey required, either!
Cons: Similar problems to Arizona.
Indianapolis
Trade For: The curse of Mono Tiki Tia, which has decimated their season with injuries
Pros: The voodoo curse that has seized the Colts the last two weeks will only be broken by a skilled spiritualist like Ricky Williams.
Cons: It is unclear how Miami’s curse and the Indianapolis curse would interact; the resulting vortex of injurious incompetence might destroy Southern Florida as we know it.
Jacksonville
Trade For: John Carney (kicker)
Pros: Do you really want a guy named “Carney” on your team?
Cons: Jacksonville likes to play just at the level of their opponent, which might be difficult if they’re facing a top-notch running back.
Kansas City
Trade For: The Kansas City Chief, who will henceforth be riding a Dolphin to make the scariest mascot combo in the sports universe.
Pros: It’s hard to get into any trouble in Kansas.
Cons: Kansas is really, really, really boring.
Minnesota
Trade For: Fred Smoot’s little black book
Pros: Dolphins players need aid and comfort wherever they can find them, and there’s plenty of warm water in the vicinity to go boating.
Cons: At the rate Minnesota is going through running backs, Williams will be on IR before he’s two games into his new career.
New England
Trade For: 100x magnification secret hoodie camera
Pros: New England has a good track record of reforming players with past disciplinary and attitude problems.
Cons: Putting Williams and Randy Moss together might lead to the Patriots’ season going up in smoke.
New Orleans
Trade For: Reggie Bush
Pros: The last time somebody picked Williams over Bush, it didn’t turn out so bad.
Cons: This pairing didn’t work out so well the first time.
NY Giants
Trade For: Michael Strahan
Pros: This would help Strahan go to a more low-profile environment as he recovers from his painful divorce.
Cons: If a firm marriage like the Strahans couldn’t make it in New York, how are Ricky Williams and Mike Ditka going to make it last there?
NY Jets
Trade For: Chad Pennington’s surgeon
Pros: After playing New England twice, Miami will desperately need doctor.
Cons: Since the Jets play in New Jersey but are called New York, you can imagine that it’ll be difficult for Williams to figure out just exactly where to go on game day.
Oakland
Trade For: JaMarcus Russell
Pros: As long as the Raiders aren’t going to develop their QB of the future, he might as well not develop in Miami.
Cons: The last weed-smoking bad boy the Raiders took a chance on didn’t pan out so well with them. But on the upside, Williams could look forward to a massive career revival when he left the Raiders.
Philadelphia
Trade For: Donovan McNabb
Pros: There’s no backup QB to threaten McNabb in Miami the way there is in Philadelphia. Plus, the weather is much nicer in Miami.
Cons: Williams may not be mobile enough to satisfy the local Philadelphia NAACP.
Pittsburgh
Trade For: Ben Roethlisberger’s motorcycle helmet (practically unused!)
Pros: The Steelers really need a running back to step in and fill Jerome Bettis’ place.
Cons: It’s really, really cold in Pittsburgh, and their baseball team is terrible.
San Diego
Trade For: Chargers coach Norv Turner
Pros: I’m sure that Miami coach Cam Cameron is a nice guy and all, but do you really trust him with the difficult task of going unwon? If ever a coaching job called for the singular incompetence of Norv Turner, it was this one.
Cons: San Diego allegedly has a pretty good running back, although there’s been scant evidence of that this year.
San Francisco
Trade For: Joe Montana’s jock strap
Pros: This is one item that none of the current 49ers players are worthy to carry anyways.
Cons: Neither are any of the Dolphins players.
Seattle
Trade For: Shaun Alexander
Pros: Big step up for Seattle.
Cons: Big step down for Miami, even if Ricky Williams is already burned out.
St. Louis
Trade For: Crumpled papers from under Mike Martz’ old office couch
Pros: No matter what’s written on those papers, they detail a better offensive scheme than the one employed by the Dolphins.
Cons: The Dolphins don’t nearly have the personnel to carry out the schematics outlined on the papers.
Tampa Bay
Trade For: Ronde Barber
Pros: Barber will bolster the Dolphins defense, and help shore up Tampa Bay’s running back problems.
Cons: Tiki Barber might be moved to come out of retirement to keep his brother from having a Super Bowl ring AND a winless season, thus making Ronde able to top Tiki when telling war stories at family reunions.
Tennessee
Trade For: Diagrams of the Music City Miracle play.
Pros: Will give the Dolphins offense at least one forward pass in their playbook.
Cons: In order for a forward pass to work, you need a quarterback.
Washington
Trade For: Owner Daniel Snyder
Pros: Going winless couldn’t happen to a nicer guy than Snyder.
Cons: I don’t know who owns the Dolphins, but he certainly doesn’t deserve to be saddled with the Redskins.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Keeping the Dream Alive
Congratulations to Miami for keeping alive what would likely be an insurmountable record: a winless season that spans two continents and plumbs heretofore unimagined depths of ineptitude. Somehow, when it mattered most, they pulled out a loss against the Buffalo Bills despite holding a decent lead late in game. All it took was a safety in the 3rd (to bring the Bills up to 2!) and then an 11-point collapse to seal the loss.
What happens if Miami, the organization holding the only perfect season in NFL history, goes winless the same year the Patriots go undefeated? Does Don Shula implode? Does Bill Bellicheck declare himself a demigod? Will Gregg Easterbrook have a meltdown of impotent fury? Only time will tell.
And while we’re on the subject, for shame on the Rams for their victory over the weekend. Not only did they make the Saints look bad (although not worse than the Saints make themselves look), they have given Miami the inside track to the #1 draft pick.
Other than the Patriots (and the Colts when their Peyton-bot doesn’t go haywire) are there any good teams in the NFL this year?
What happens if Miami, the organization holding the only perfect season in NFL history, goes winless the same year the Patriots go undefeated? Does Don Shula implode? Does Bill Bellicheck declare himself a demigod? Will Gregg Easterbrook have a meltdown of impotent fury? Only time will tell.
And while we’re on the subject, for shame on the Rams for their victory over the weekend. Not only did they make the Saints look bad (although not worse than the Saints make themselves look), they have given Miami the inside track to the #1 draft pick.
Other than the Patriots (and the Colts when their Peyton-bot doesn’t go haywire) are there any good teams in the NFL this year?
Friday, October 19, 2007
Another word for football forecast
I’ve caught nickname fever this week! So for every game I’ll give it a clever nickname, which you’ll chuckle at and then realize has some profound meaning about life, the game, or the color of music.
Before you complain, remember that this blog is free and not supported by advertising. And I’m too stupid to figure out how to install a PayPal button, and besides, I sincerely doubt anybody’d pay me for the typographical vomiting I do here on a semi-daily basis anyways.
Now on to the picks. Please remember that if you bet on football games, you’re essentially a moron. You’d be better off just burning your money and flushing the ashes down a toilet. Or sending it to me via PayPal, which would require you to instruct me on how to install the damn button.
Quite frankly, immolation is much easier for both of us.
The “Benedict Arnold” Game: Baltimore vs. Buffalo
One team ripped the heart out of Cleveland fans, the other is trying to creep across the border to compete for the Grey Cup (so I understand). Both of them should be deeply ashamed of themselves. But I suppose if they’re not ashamed of their poor offenses, then a little matter like betraying their fan base flies under their moral compass (how’s that for a mixed metaphor?).
Ravens 0, Bills -12
The “He sill works here?” Game: Tampa Bay vs. Detroit
John Gruden won a Super Bowl with Tony Dungy’s team and then spent the next several seasons fielding unprepared, sub-par teams. Now that he’s built his own team, he’s…flailing in mediocrity. Detroit GM Matt Millen has used his voodoo powers to zombiefy the entire Detroit management chain, up to the Ford family, to keep alive his dream of an all-receiver offense. Otherwise his tenure as GM is totally inexplicable.
Buccaneers 21, Lions 7
The “Remember the Alamo!” Game: Tennessee vs. Houston
Did you know that both Davy Crockett and Sam Houston were from Tennessee? Yet Texas lays claim to the fame of both men, virtually stealing the honor of celebrating their marvelous lives from the Volunteer State (named because of a brave group that went to their deaths to defend Texas). It’s time for some serious reparations from those freeloading Texans.
Titans 31, Texans 24
The “It’s not bullying if we do it” Game: New England vs. Miami
Here’s evidence of East Coast bias: if Randy Moss played for Minnesota and they scored a last-second meaningless touchdown against the Giants in a battle of unbeatens, and then the team celebrated and bad-mouthed their opponents, they’d be called “classless” and “dirty” by the media. New England does it and is feted and celebrated as a team for the ages. That aside Miami deserves the pummeling that they’ll surely get for being such an awful, awful team.
Patriots 52, Dolphins 3
The “Bicoastal buttheadsd” Game: San Francisco vs. NY Giants
Okay, I didn’t really have a good moniker for this game, but that’s alliterative, so I’ll let it stand. Plus, Tom Coughlin’s a butthead. I don’t have anything against San Francisco, though.
49ers 21, Giants 24
The “Pity the oppressed” Game: Atlanta vs. New Orleans
Does local governmental incompetence and corruption have something to do with the delayed rebuilding of New Orleans? Maybe. Does the fact that this is largely the same group of incompetents that was in charge before the flood perhaps indicate that they’re responsible for the collapse of the city? Perish the thought! It is, and always shall be, the blame of the Bush Administration, particularly FEMA head Dick Cheney. And you can’t help but feel sorry for the Falcons, who saw their season vanish in a puff of smoke on Moonlight Road.
Falcons 24, Saints 13
The “Cocoon” Game: Arizona vs. Washington
You know that old man in Cocoon who refused to get turned young, because he was content with the way things were? I bet that Kurt Warner (currently injured) and Joe Gibbs (shredding his legacy like Sandy Berger at the National Security Archives) both identify strongly with that guy: should have just left well enough alone.
Cardinals 14, Redskins 21
The “Limbo” Game: NY Jets vs. Cincinnati
How low can these two teams sink? The high point for Eric “The Snitch” Mangini came in embarrassing Bill Bellicheck, while Cincinnati is pioneering new ways to look terrible while losing.
Jets 28, Cincinnati 20
The “Great Expectations” Game: Kansas City vs. Oakland
When Herm Edwards weaseled out of his contract in New York and turned into a prick, the Chiefs were really excited about getting such a great coach, who was going to lead them to the Promised Land. He’s led them into the tank. There’s a lesson in there somewhere about honing your skills and being professional for Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell, who will watch from the Raiders’ sidelines because he missed training camp disputing his contract.
Chiefs 12, Raiders 15
The “My mascot’s tougher than your mascot” Game: Minnesota vs. Dallas
On the one side, we’ve got a tough, bloodthirsty Viking ready to kill those who stand in his way. On the other side there’s the swaggering Cowboy, who shoots first and asks questions later. Which one do you think will win? I’m going to say the one with firearms, since that usually makes the difference when pre- and post-industrial societies enter into conflict.
Vikings 17, Dallas 23
The “I thought you used to be good?” game: Chicago vs. Philadelphia
Chicago’s been in the Super Bowl funk all year, unable to get anything going. Strangely, replacing one ineffective quarterback with another hasn’t made much difference. Philadelphia’s been in a funk also, but without Terrell Owens or the Super Bowl to blame it on, it’s hard to pinpoint the cause. I think his initials might be AR.
Bears 2, Eagles 3
The “Happy underachievers” game: St. Louis vs. Seattle
Do you get the feeling that these two teams don’t care that they suck? St. Louis plays without any passion, urgency, or even desire to win. Seattle knows that its division is far and away the worst in the galaxy, so even a below-average effort makes them the juggernauts of the NFC West. Please note that pregnant women must not be exposed to this game, as it will cause them to birth underachieving children.
Rams 0, Seahawks 0 (OT)
The “Mojo” Game: Pittsburgh vs. Denver
A few years ago the Steelers took all the sports mojo of the entire state of Pennsylvania. Don’t believe me? The Pirates (closest to the Steelers) have been utterly worthless for years. The Phillies flamed out in the playoffs this year. The Eagles have struggled mightily. Even UPenn has been hit hard by the Steelers Bogarting the Pennsylvania Mojo. Bad news for Denver? The Rockies have taken all of Colorado’s mojo, leaving Denver defenseless against the Steelers onslaught.
Steelers 45, Broncos 10
The “CBS prays for the Colts” Game: Indianapolis vs. Jacksonville
CBS now stands for “Colts Better Succeed”, because the storyline of “clash of unbeaten titanic teams” for the November 4 game between the Colts and Patriots pretty much rests on them beating Jacksonville and Carolina. Oh, sure, there’s a vague chance that New England will lose, but it doesn’t seem likely. And it’s Jacksonville that worries the network, because they’re an AFC inter-conference rival that always plays the Colts tough. Since there’s an underdog bug ripping through college football right now, it has to catch in the pros eventually, doesn’t it?
Colts 21, Jaguars 31
Before you complain, remember that this blog is free and not supported by advertising. And I’m too stupid to figure out how to install a PayPal button, and besides, I sincerely doubt anybody’d pay me for the typographical vomiting I do here on a semi-daily basis anyways.
Now on to the picks. Please remember that if you bet on football games, you’re essentially a moron. You’d be better off just burning your money and flushing the ashes down a toilet. Or sending it to me via PayPal, which would require you to instruct me on how to install the damn button.
Quite frankly, immolation is much easier for both of us.
The “Benedict Arnold” Game: Baltimore vs. Buffalo
One team ripped the heart out of Cleveland fans, the other is trying to creep across the border to compete for the Grey Cup (so I understand). Both of them should be deeply ashamed of themselves. But I suppose if they’re not ashamed of their poor offenses, then a little matter like betraying their fan base flies under their moral compass (how’s that for a mixed metaphor?).
Ravens 0, Bills -12
The “He sill works here?” Game: Tampa Bay vs. Detroit
John Gruden won a Super Bowl with Tony Dungy’s team and then spent the next several seasons fielding unprepared, sub-par teams. Now that he’s built his own team, he’s…flailing in mediocrity. Detroit GM Matt Millen has used his voodoo powers to zombiefy the entire Detroit management chain, up to the Ford family, to keep alive his dream of an all-receiver offense. Otherwise his tenure as GM is totally inexplicable.
Buccaneers 21, Lions 7
The “Remember the Alamo!” Game: Tennessee vs. Houston
Did you know that both Davy Crockett and Sam Houston were from Tennessee? Yet Texas lays claim to the fame of both men, virtually stealing the honor of celebrating their marvelous lives from the Volunteer State (named because of a brave group that went to their deaths to defend Texas). It’s time for some serious reparations from those freeloading Texans.
Titans 31, Texans 24
The “It’s not bullying if we do it” Game: New England vs. Miami
Here’s evidence of East Coast bias: if Randy Moss played for Minnesota and they scored a last-second meaningless touchdown against the Giants in a battle of unbeatens, and then the team celebrated and bad-mouthed their opponents, they’d be called “classless” and “dirty” by the media. New England does it and is feted and celebrated as a team for the ages. That aside Miami deserves the pummeling that they’ll surely get for being such an awful, awful team.
Patriots 52, Dolphins 3
The “Bicoastal buttheadsd” Game: San Francisco vs. NY Giants
Okay, I didn’t really have a good moniker for this game, but that’s alliterative, so I’ll let it stand. Plus, Tom Coughlin’s a butthead. I don’t have anything against San Francisco, though.
49ers 21, Giants 24
The “Pity the oppressed” Game: Atlanta vs. New Orleans
Does local governmental incompetence and corruption have something to do with the delayed rebuilding of New Orleans? Maybe. Does the fact that this is largely the same group of incompetents that was in charge before the flood perhaps indicate that they’re responsible for the collapse of the city? Perish the thought! It is, and always shall be, the blame of the Bush Administration, particularly FEMA head Dick Cheney. And you can’t help but feel sorry for the Falcons, who saw their season vanish in a puff of smoke on Moonlight Road.
Falcons 24, Saints 13
The “Cocoon” Game: Arizona vs. Washington
You know that old man in Cocoon who refused to get turned young, because he was content with the way things were? I bet that Kurt Warner (currently injured) and Joe Gibbs (shredding his legacy like Sandy Berger at the National Security Archives) both identify strongly with that guy: should have just left well enough alone.
Cardinals 14, Redskins 21
The “Limbo” Game: NY Jets vs. Cincinnati
How low can these two teams sink? The high point for Eric “The Snitch” Mangini came in embarrassing Bill Bellicheck, while Cincinnati is pioneering new ways to look terrible while losing.
Jets 28, Cincinnati 20
The “Great Expectations” Game: Kansas City vs. Oakland
When Herm Edwards weaseled out of his contract in New York and turned into a prick, the Chiefs were really excited about getting such a great coach, who was going to lead them to the Promised Land. He’s led them into the tank. There’s a lesson in there somewhere about honing your skills and being professional for Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell, who will watch from the Raiders’ sidelines because he missed training camp disputing his contract.
Chiefs 12, Raiders 15
The “My mascot’s tougher than your mascot” Game: Minnesota vs. Dallas
On the one side, we’ve got a tough, bloodthirsty Viking ready to kill those who stand in his way. On the other side there’s the swaggering Cowboy, who shoots first and asks questions later. Which one do you think will win? I’m going to say the one with firearms, since that usually makes the difference when pre- and post-industrial societies enter into conflict.
Vikings 17, Dallas 23
The “I thought you used to be good?” game: Chicago vs. Philadelphia
Chicago’s been in the Super Bowl funk all year, unable to get anything going. Strangely, replacing one ineffective quarterback with another hasn’t made much difference. Philadelphia’s been in a funk also, but without Terrell Owens or the Super Bowl to blame it on, it’s hard to pinpoint the cause. I think his initials might be AR.
Bears 2, Eagles 3
The “Happy underachievers” game: St. Louis vs. Seattle
Do you get the feeling that these two teams don’t care that they suck? St. Louis plays without any passion, urgency, or even desire to win. Seattle knows that its division is far and away the worst in the galaxy, so even a below-average effort makes them the juggernauts of the NFC West. Please note that pregnant women must not be exposed to this game, as it will cause them to birth underachieving children.
Rams 0, Seahawks 0 (OT)
The “Mojo” Game: Pittsburgh vs. Denver
A few years ago the Steelers took all the sports mojo of the entire state of Pennsylvania. Don’t believe me? The Pirates (closest to the Steelers) have been utterly worthless for years. The Phillies flamed out in the playoffs this year. The Eagles have struggled mightily. Even UPenn has been hit hard by the Steelers Bogarting the Pennsylvania Mojo. Bad news for Denver? The Rockies have taken all of Colorado’s mojo, leaving Denver defenseless against the Steelers onslaught.
Steelers 45, Broncos 10
The “CBS prays for the Colts” Game: Indianapolis vs. Jacksonville
CBS now stands for “Colts Better Succeed”, because the storyline of “clash of unbeaten titanic teams” for the November 4 game between the Colts and Patriots pretty much rests on them beating Jacksonville and Carolina. Oh, sure, there’s a vague chance that New England will lose, but it doesn’t seem likely. And it’s Jacksonville that worries the network, because they’re an AFC inter-conference rival that always plays the Colts tough. Since there’s an underdog bug ripping through college football right now, it has to catch in the pros eventually, doesn’t it?
Colts 21, Jaguars 31
Friday, October 12, 2007
Hix in Stix Nix Pix for Week 6
This week, the secrets to every game can be found by doing a simple “compare and contrast” to see what’s alike, and what’s different, about every one of the teams competing this week.
St. Louis vs. Baltimore
What’s alike: Both teams play 9 on offense versus 11 on defense. At least, it sure seems like it. Both teams feature a quarterback whose best days are likely behind him. Both teams play in a city whose baseball team was terrible this year.
What’s different: Baltimore also plays defense, while St. Louis eschews this as an unnecessary part of the game.
Rams 3, Ravens 17
Minnesota vs. Chicago
What’s alike: Both teams are caught in a vicious struggle to the death to be far and away the worst team in the NFC North.
What’s different: So far Minnesota is winning the battle, but they have yet to play Chicago.
Vikings 6, Chicago 3
BONUS PREDICTION: The sum of the QB rating in this game will be less than the QB rating for the winner of the New England-Dallas game
Miami vs. Cleveland
What’s alike: Both teams make their opponents look nigh-unbeatable.
What’s different: Cleveland put over 50 points on Cincinnati, while Miami has almost scored a hundred for the season.
Dolphins 14, Browns 17.
Washington vs. Green Bay
What’s alike: Both teams feature what, to some people, is an insulting slur as their team nickname.
What’s different: Washington is owned by a megalomaniac. The other team plays that guy as QB.
Redskins 28, Packers 24
Houston vs. Jacksonville
What’s alike: Both teams get victimized by the Indianapolis Colts twice a year, and will be for some time to come.
What’s different: Jacksonville has long been the most chivalrous NFL team, playing to its opponents level to prevent embarrassment. Well, except to themselves.
Texans 21, Jaguars 20
Cincinnati vs. Kansas City
What’s alike: Both teams feature grandstanding, me-first guys that think nothing of their teammates, promote their own greatness, and make spectacles of themselves in public.
What’s different: Chad Johnson keeps his antics confined to the field. Herm Edwards has no such boundaries.
Bengals 45, Chiefs 10.
Philadelphia vs. NY Jets
What’s alike: Both teams hearken from wretched places to live, and have a flying mascot. They are each desperately hoping for change in fortunes to turn around their seasons.
What’s different: Philadelphia’s mascot is carbon-neutral, and they have a hope for turning around their season. The high point of the Jets season was tattling on Bill Bellicheck.
Eagles 24, Jets 17.
Tennessee vs. Tampa Bay
What’s alike: These two teams are like a photocopy of each other, they’re so similar: they play in the South, have three wins, and a bright future.
What’s different: Tennessee’s coach didn’t take three years off and isn’t considered a genius, like Tampa Bay’s coach. And Tennessee’s not feasting on weak NFC competition like Tampa, either.
Titans 38, Buccaneers 24
Carolina vs. Arizona
What’s alike: Both have 3-2 records and share the division lead.
What’s different: Carolina isn’t cursed by the cosmos to be the worst team in the NFL every year.
Panthers 20, Cardinals 17
New England vs. Dallas
What’s alike: Both are undefeated and playing in the monster game of the season, which for each of them is their first real test. Both feature players (Moss and Owens) who have been identified as destructive to their teams in the past.
What’s different: For some reason the pundits think Dallas’ schedule was weak, but the Patriots are a cinch to go undefeated. Moss is more surly than destructive, and Owens is 2-3 for sabotaging his team’s seasons. Patriots fans don’t secretly dread the day that their QB is exposed as a fraud, while Cowboys fans do.
Patriots 31, Cowboys 34
Oakland vs. San Diego
What’s alike: Both teams have been coached by Norv Turner.
What’s different: San Diego is still coached by Norv Turner.
Raiders 142, Chargers 3
New Orleans vs. Seattle
What’s alike: Um, they’re both in the NFC? Both teams play near the coast?
What’s different: The most polite way to put this is: New Orleans is awful.
Saints 12, Seahawks 25
NY Giants vs. Atlanta
What’s alike: Both teams are playing in the “This seemed like a good MNF matchup in the preseason” game.
What’s different: Atlanta has no business playing on Monday night.
Giants 28, Atlanta 13
St. Louis vs. Baltimore
What’s alike: Both teams play 9 on offense versus 11 on defense. At least, it sure seems like it. Both teams feature a quarterback whose best days are likely behind him. Both teams play in a city whose baseball team was terrible this year.
What’s different: Baltimore also plays defense, while St. Louis eschews this as an unnecessary part of the game.
Rams 3, Ravens 17
Minnesota vs. Chicago
What’s alike: Both teams are caught in a vicious struggle to the death to be far and away the worst team in the NFC North.
What’s different: So far Minnesota is winning the battle, but they have yet to play Chicago.
Vikings 6, Chicago 3
BONUS PREDICTION: The sum of the QB rating in this game will be less than the QB rating for the winner of the New England-Dallas game
Miami vs. Cleveland
What’s alike: Both teams make their opponents look nigh-unbeatable.
What’s different: Cleveland put over 50 points on Cincinnati, while Miami has almost scored a hundred for the season.
Dolphins 14, Browns 17.
Washington vs. Green Bay
What’s alike: Both teams feature what, to some people, is an insulting slur as their team nickname.
What’s different: Washington is owned by a megalomaniac. The other team plays that guy as QB.
Redskins 28, Packers 24
Houston vs. Jacksonville
What’s alike: Both teams get victimized by the Indianapolis Colts twice a year, and will be for some time to come.
What’s different: Jacksonville has long been the most chivalrous NFL team, playing to its opponents level to prevent embarrassment. Well, except to themselves.
Texans 21, Jaguars 20
Cincinnati vs. Kansas City
What’s alike: Both teams feature grandstanding, me-first guys that think nothing of their teammates, promote their own greatness, and make spectacles of themselves in public.
What’s different: Chad Johnson keeps his antics confined to the field. Herm Edwards has no such boundaries.
Bengals 45, Chiefs 10.
Philadelphia vs. NY Jets
What’s alike: Both teams hearken from wretched places to live, and have a flying mascot. They are each desperately hoping for change in fortunes to turn around their seasons.
What’s different: Philadelphia’s mascot is carbon-neutral, and they have a hope for turning around their season. The high point of the Jets season was tattling on Bill Bellicheck.
Eagles 24, Jets 17.
Tennessee vs. Tampa Bay
What’s alike: These two teams are like a photocopy of each other, they’re so similar: they play in the South, have three wins, and a bright future.
What’s different: Tennessee’s coach didn’t take three years off and isn’t considered a genius, like Tampa Bay’s coach. And Tennessee’s not feasting on weak NFC competition like Tampa, either.
Titans 38, Buccaneers 24
Carolina vs. Arizona
What’s alike: Both have 3-2 records and share the division lead.
What’s different: Carolina isn’t cursed by the cosmos to be the worst team in the NFL every year.
Panthers 20, Cardinals 17
New England vs. Dallas
What’s alike: Both are undefeated and playing in the monster game of the season, which for each of them is their first real test. Both feature players (Moss and Owens) who have been identified as destructive to their teams in the past.
What’s different: For some reason the pundits think Dallas’ schedule was weak, but the Patriots are a cinch to go undefeated. Moss is more surly than destructive, and Owens is 2-3 for sabotaging his team’s seasons. Patriots fans don’t secretly dread the day that their QB is exposed as a fraud, while Cowboys fans do.
Patriots 31, Cowboys 34
Oakland vs. San Diego
What’s alike: Both teams have been coached by Norv Turner.
What’s different: San Diego is still coached by Norv Turner.
Raiders 142, Chargers 3
New Orleans vs. Seattle
What’s alike: Um, they’re both in the NFC? Both teams play near the coast?
What’s different: The most polite way to put this is: New Orleans is awful.
Saints 12, Seahawks 25
NY Giants vs. Atlanta
What’s alike: Both teams are playing in the “This seemed like a good MNF matchup in the preseason” game.
What’s different: Atlanta has no business playing on Monday night.
Giants 28, Atlanta 13
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Hot Football Picks
Usually, I try to be modest with my football picks. But this time I'm feeling pretty lucky, so I want to be sure that you understand the Svengali-like power of these football selections: this isn't what I think will happen, it's what I know will happen. I've seen the postgame press conferences, and I can freely quote below so you can get a feel for each game.
Carolina at New Orleans
Several Panthers players will say that they are really, really sorry about the hurricane a couple of years ago and all, but it's time to move on, and no, they don't feel bad about kicking the Saints' ass all over the field. Then Drew Brees will come out and fly into a rage when asked, "Do you still think you were a better selection than Daunte Culpepper?" Panthers 35, Saints 13.
Jacksonville at Kansas City
Did you know that in ancient Greece there were little statues with penises on them called "Herms" that were put all over as a sign of good luck? Well, in the postgame press conference several players will refer to Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards as a prick, too. Jaguars 28, Chiefs 20.
Detroit at Washington
Thus spaketh Kitna: "Now that God has taken an active interest in our games, and is rooting for us, it's heresy for other teams to score on us. So not only do the Redskins have a racist nickname, they're a bunch of sinners who are going to hell, too." Lions 21, Redskins 24.
Atlanta at Tennessee
You can play this on an infinite loop for the rest of the season:
Reporter A: "Coach, how much does your team miss Michael Vick?"
"I'd rather talk about the guys that are here, and the game we just played, okay?"
Reporter B: "So you don't miss Michael Vick?"
"Let's talk about the game, okay?"
Reporter C: "Do you think the game would have been different if you still had Michael Vick?"
"Sigh."
Reporter D: "Coach, how much does your team miss Michael Vick?"
Falcons 3, Titans 17.
Miami at Texas
Question from press conference for Texans coach Gary Kubiak: "Wow, was David Carr cursed by Mono Tiki Tia or something? It's incredible how much better you guys got since he left."
Asked of Matt Schaub, former backup to Michael Vick: "If John Kitna is this gracious about God healing him of a concussion, how come you're not out proselytizing in the streets for the trade that he engineered to get you out of the train wreck that is Atlanta?"
Dolphins 3 in junk time, Texans 45
Seattle at Pittsburgh
Actual question for Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren: "Geez, I know your team sucked out there, but why do you look like you're chewing on shit?"
Holmgren (with mouth full): "Mmcus mi mmm."
Seahawks 14, Steelers 31
Cleveland at New England
Asked of Tom Brady: "How great is it to have a real receiver?"
Asked of Randy Moss: "How great is it to play with a real quarterback?"
Asked of Bill Bellicheck by TMQ: "Isn't it true you've brought dishonor to the NFL on a level with the infamous 1919 Black Socks and that we'd all be better off if you committed seppuku?"
Asked of Browns coach Romeo Crennel: "Geez, man, did you even bring a team?"
Browns 0, Patriots 54
Arizona at St. Louis
This is my "Can't-Miss" game of the week. See, if you can't miss this game, there's something seriously wrong with you. The postgame conference will be disrupted when Brenda Warner attacks Matt Leinart for suggesting that he shouldn't be splitting time with her husband, scratching Leinart's face. He will subsequently win a 450-million dollar lawsuit for damaging "his rugged, surfer-boy good looks."
Cardinals 21, Rams 10.
New York at New York in New Jersey
Actual question: "I'm sorry, which team were you with again? You both played so bad, and are geographically confused, so it's hard to tell you apart."
Tom Coughlin: "We're the *@#$%! Giants, you #$%&! Damn Eli Manning!"
Tiki Barber: "Oh, sorry, grumpy. I couldn't tell."
New York 7, New York 7, with grief counselling for both fan groups after the game.
Tampa Bay at Indianapolis
ESPN Reporter: "Now that you've lost, doesn't this delegitimize your title defense, deflate your team, and prove that you just can't win the big one in defense of having won the big one?"
Peyton Manning: "But we won. By thirty points."
ESPN Reporter: "So you say, but does anybody really believe stupid southern white men after Bush made such a debacle in Iraq?"
Buccaneers 20, Colts 50.
San Diego at Denver
"Coach Turner! Is it true that you've hired Nate Newton as the team's Assistant Coach for Motivation?"
"Norv! Norv! Have you taken away the shoelaces and belts from your players?"
"Mr. Tuner! Isn't it true that you're spending 5 million on hookers a week to keep the players satisfied?"
Chargers 13, Broncos 30.
Baltimore at San Francisco
Sports Illustrated reporter: "So, coach Billick, time for some offense yet?"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Baltimore Sun-Times reporter: "So, coach Billick, are you looking for some new offense yet?"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Tony Siragusa: "I'm a big fat moron who dresses like a reject from a slimfast commercial. Mmm, boy, I sure love hot dogs!"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Baltimore 10 (on five safeties), San Francisco 12 (on four field goals)
Chicago at Green Bay
The press conference ends in tragedy when an overheated Peter King of Sports Illustrated throws his size 52 underwear at the podium as a sign of eternal love for Brett Favre, only to have it rupture Favre's vertebra and send him to the hospital. King is put on suicide watch and issues a statement saying that "I'm sorry I was ever even born."
Bears 6, Packers 31.
Dallas at Buffalo
Reporter: "Tony, is it right for me to marry a woman not of the faith?"
Romo: "Verily, thou shalt not marry outside of the Cowboys faithful unless thou art without a hope in a foreign land, such as Oregon."
Reporter: "But what if I live in a foreign country?"
Romo: "It would be better to cut off your manhood than befoul it with a Bills fan."
All together: "Amen!"
Cowboys 28, Bills 10.
Carolina at New Orleans
Several Panthers players will say that they are really, really sorry about the hurricane a couple of years ago and all, but it's time to move on, and no, they don't feel bad about kicking the Saints' ass all over the field. Then Drew Brees will come out and fly into a rage when asked, "Do you still think you were a better selection than Daunte Culpepper?" Panthers 35, Saints 13.
Jacksonville at Kansas City
Did you know that in ancient Greece there were little statues with penises on them called "Herms" that were put all over as a sign of good luck? Well, in the postgame press conference several players will refer to Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards as a prick, too. Jaguars 28, Chiefs 20.
Detroit at Washington
Thus spaketh Kitna: "Now that God has taken an active interest in our games, and is rooting for us, it's heresy for other teams to score on us. So not only do the Redskins have a racist nickname, they're a bunch of sinners who are going to hell, too." Lions 21, Redskins 24.
Atlanta at Tennessee
You can play this on an infinite loop for the rest of the season:
Reporter A: "Coach, how much does your team miss Michael Vick?"
"I'd rather talk about the guys that are here, and the game we just played, okay?"
Reporter B: "So you don't miss Michael Vick?"
"Let's talk about the game, okay?"
Reporter C: "Do you think the game would have been different if you still had Michael Vick?"
"Sigh."
Reporter D: "Coach, how much does your team miss Michael Vick?"
Falcons 3, Titans 17.
Miami at Texas
Question from press conference for Texans coach Gary Kubiak: "Wow, was David Carr cursed by Mono Tiki Tia or something? It's incredible how much better you guys got since he left."
Asked of Matt Schaub, former backup to Michael Vick: "If John Kitna is this gracious about God healing him of a concussion, how come you're not out proselytizing in the streets for the trade that he engineered to get you out of the train wreck that is Atlanta?"
Dolphins 3 in junk time, Texans 45
Seattle at Pittsburgh
Actual question for Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren: "Geez, I know your team sucked out there, but why do you look like you're chewing on shit?"
Holmgren (with mouth full): "Mmcus mi mmm."
Seahawks 14, Steelers 31
Cleveland at New England
Asked of Tom Brady: "How great is it to have a real receiver?"
Asked of Randy Moss: "How great is it to play with a real quarterback?"
Asked of Bill Bellicheck by TMQ: "Isn't it true you've brought dishonor to the NFL on a level with the infamous 1919 Black Socks and that we'd all be better off if you committed seppuku?"
Asked of Browns coach Romeo Crennel: "Geez, man, did you even bring a team?"
Browns 0, Patriots 54
Arizona at St. Louis
This is my "Can't-Miss" game of the week. See, if you can't miss this game, there's something seriously wrong with you. The postgame conference will be disrupted when Brenda Warner attacks Matt Leinart for suggesting that he shouldn't be splitting time with her husband, scratching Leinart's face. He will subsequently win a 450-million dollar lawsuit for damaging "his rugged, surfer-boy good looks."
Cardinals 21, Rams 10.
New York at New York in New Jersey
Actual question: "I'm sorry, which team were you with again? You both played so bad, and are geographically confused, so it's hard to tell you apart."
Tom Coughlin: "We're the *@#$%! Giants, you #$%&! Damn Eli Manning!"
Tiki Barber: "Oh, sorry, grumpy. I couldn't tell."
New York 7, New York 7, with grief counselling for both fan groups after the game.
Tampa Bay at Indianapolis
ESPN Reporter: "Now that you've lost, doesn't this delegitimize your title defense, deflate your team, and prove that you just can't win the big one in defense of having won the big one?"
Peyton Manning: "But we won. By thirty points."
ESPN Reporter: "So you say, but does anybody really believe stupid southern white men after Bush made such a debacle in Iraq?"
Buccaneers 20, Colts 50.
San Diego at Denver
"Coach Turner! Is it true that you've hired Nate Newton as the team's Assistant Coach for Motivation?"
"Norv! Norv! Have you taken away the shoelaces and belts from your players?"
"Mr. Tuner! Isn't it true that you're spending 5 million on hookers a week to keep the players satisfied?"
Chargers 13, Broncos 30.
Baltimore at San Francisco
Sports Illustrated reporter: "So, coach Billick, time for some offense yet?"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Baltimore Sun-Times reporter: "So, coach Billick, are you looking for some new offense yet?"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Tony Siragusa: "I'm a big fat moron who dresses like a reject from a slimfast commercial. Mmm, boy, I sure love hot dogs!"
Billick: "The offense isn't the problem."
Baltimore 10 (on five safeties), San Francisco 12 (on four field goals)
Chicago at Green Bay
The press conference ends in tragedy when an overheated Peter King of Sports Illustrated throws his size 52 underwear at the podium as a sign of eternal love for Brett Favre, only to have it rupture Favre's vertebra and send him to the hospital. King is put on suicide watch and issues a statement saying that "I'm sorry I was ever even born."
Bears 6, Packers 31.
Dallas at Buffalo
Reporter: "Tony, is it right for me to marry a woman not of the faith?"
Romo: "Verily, thou shalt not marry outside of the Cowboys faithful unless thou art without a hope in a foreign land, such as Oregon."
Reporter: "But what if I live in a foreign country?"
Romo: "It would be better to cut off your manhood than befoul it with a Bills fan."
All together: "Amen!"
Cowboys 28, Bills 10.
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