Friday, January 25, 2008

Signs that Football Season is Ending

There are certain rituals which must be observed every year when bringing to a close the two professional football leagues (both the NFL and the NFL Children’s Amateur Association, also called the NCAA).

I think most of the ones on this list have been checked off so far:

* The Chargers whine about the Patriots, including a laundry list of generic complaints such as “they play mean” and “they didn’t share the ball!” One bizarre complaint is also included, just to make the Chargers seem particularly bitchy

* Article after article will appear proposing a “final solution” for the “problem” of crowning an NCAA division 1 champion, the college version of the West Bank

* Brett Favre will spend six months considering retirement, with Peter King reporting on his every move as if world peace hangs in the balance

* Just when everyone thinks the NCAA can’t get any seedier or more corrupt, a new allegation will lower the bar, like a booster paying for a team trip to Amsterdam that ends up with ten players arrested while smuggling back dope and steroids for sale on campus

* Columnists will still rhapsodize about how NCAA football is “purer” than professional football

* Norv Turner will continue to find work despite clear on-field evidence that he’s not half the coach that Molly McGrath is, and has none of the potential bubble-bath upside

* Debates between otherwise sane commentators break out about whether Tom Brady is the greatest QB in history, the most handsome QB in history, or both

* As contractually mandated for every credentialed media member, a “can Manning win the big one?” column (Eli or Peyton decided by regional affiliation)

* Bill Parcells will make a public ass of himself to remind everyone that he still exists

* College coaches will be hired and fired apace in both leagues without regard to their performance or the financial impact to the team

* Sportswriters will continue to call coaches who quit “traitorous scum” and expect them to be willing to take a bullet for a team that would fire them for a handful of Bill Bellicheck’s toenail clippings

* Miami will make a boneheaded front-office hiring decision

* With nothing but minor-league sports being played, Sportswriters can turn their attention to a subject on which they’re woefully uninformed: politics

* Sportswriters will also demonstrate statistical ignorance by writing column after column about racial hiring deficiencies in NFL coaching vacancies

* NCAA schools will continue to recycle burned-out white guys because there really is a racial balance problem in the coaching at this level

* Players will stop answering their phones for fear of injury until someone else is chosen to appear on the cover of the latest “Madden Football”

* Everyone will agree that the refs suck and football is worse than it ever has been before

* The same people will shell out thousands for tickets and limited-edition Randy Moss Oakland Raiders “Doobie” Bobbleheads

No comments: