Government Approves $140M for ‘Moothanol’

The US Federal Government today approved $140 million dollars for the Robert Byrd Farmers’ Research Institute in West Virginia. The Institute hopes to use the funds to complete studies on a simultaneous method to produce biofuel, reduce feedstock-based methane emissions, reduce global warming, provide food for underdeveloped countries, and protect soil erosion in critical areas.

Called ‘Moothanol’, the revolutionary process converts the digestive tract of cows to halt production of methane, a powerful greenhouse gas, and instead convert it to methanol, which is expelled in liquid form through the udders and can then be used to power everything from farm equipment to generators. In the future, the RBFRI said that it should be possible to power the nations’ automobiles from this unique energy source.

“Pardon the pun, but it mooves energy supply into the 21st century,” said the center’s Head of Research Rick Hickbaum. “Moothanol is the most powerful green fuel known, and it can be made from any organic material that cows will eat. So you can use any plant, even kudzu, to protect the layer of topsoil that literally keeps earth from turning into an uninhabitable wasteland. Instead of making ethanol out of corn, we can now use it domestically to produce either cobettes or popcorn, both critical to the American way of life.”

The cost to convert a cow is just under $100, which includes the internal pumping and the ANSI-standard “Nipple Connection” to allow dispensing moothanol directly into the storage tanks. “The reality is that cows naturally produce methanol, which breaks down to methane,” said the project’s congressional spokesperson, Robert Byrd. “What we’re doing here is tapping into the largest reserve of natural biofuel, instead of destroying ANWR like some people want. This is another in the long line of successes by the new Democratic Congress.”

Not everyone was pleased. Kitty Hawke, a spokeswoman for Animals R People Too, said that it amounted to “Perpetual bovine slavery. Has anybody asked the cows if they want to pump out fuel for our cars? No, nobody thought to ask that little detail. The cows should be allowed to decide if they want to produce this fuel of the devil. Isn’t it enough that they give their lives for fashion and their image is appropriated by modern advertisers for Chick-Fil-A? Must they supply our gas stations, also?”

President George Bush, pledging continued support for this and other projects which will further US energy independence, said that the project represented “an important step in the right direction of weaning us off of dependence on foreign oil.”

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