The First Clinton Pledge

Perhaps if the people of New Hampshire could have seen the Clintons’ wedding vows before they voted, they would have been a little less sanguine about believing a pledge that gets peddled by a Clinton. It would have at least prepared them for the inevitable feelings of betrayal.

The Clinton Wedding Vows

OFFICIANT: Hillary Rodham, repeat after me. I, Hillary Rodham, take you, Bill Clinton, to be my lawfully wedded husband.
HILLARY: I, the scourge of the wicked Wall Street fatcats named Hillary Rodham, take you, the tragically flawed yet inexplicably charismatic Bill Clinton, to be my lawfully wedded husband and ticket to political offices that I could never dream of achieving on my own scant merits.

OFFICIANT: To have and to hold, from this day forward,
HILLARY: To hold my hand on the stump, from this day forward,

OFFICIANT: For better, for worse, for richer, or for poorer,
HILLARY: For fixed elections or fair, for broken campaign promises or not, regardless of which minorities must be trampled and/or pandered to,

OFFICIANT: In sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
HILLARY: Regardless of scandal or tawdry affairs, to hold forth as a reason for sympathy from done-wrong women and also those women who lust after your insatiable libido,

OFFICIANT: Till death do us part.
HILLARY: Until my second election as president when I’ll divorce you for giving me gonorrheic crabs.

OFFICIANT: I pledge thee my faith.
HILLARY: I pledge thee my faith until I get a better offer, which is not likely since Richard Nixon won’t return my calls.

OFFICIANT: Bill Clinton, repeat after me. I, Bill Clinton, take you, Hillary Rodham, to be my lawfully wedded wife.
BILL: Did you know my father was an abusive alcoholic, so I can feel your pain? And that Hillary, she’s quite a gal. Single-handedly passed civil rights legislation. I got a friend named Al working on something with computers, too. We’re gonna change the world.

OFFICIANT: To have and to hold, from this day forward,
BILL: I get to do more than hold, right? I ain’t getting married for the tax breaks, you know.

OFFICIANT: For better, for worse, for richer, or for poorer,
BILL: Don’t worry about poorer. Hill tells me she knows all about cattle and land and money’s not gonna be a problem for us. Plus, I can rent out bedrooms, and sell pardons, and all sorts of other stuff. You’d be amazed how much money you can raise when you have no shame.

OFFICIANT: In sickness or in health, to love and to cherish,
BILL: That reminds me, Hill: I need to explain about that rash. Plus, I get a skanky ho exemption, don’t I? I can chase, like, four or five a year, right?

OFFICIANT: Till death do us part.
BILL: That depends on what your definition of “death” is.

OFFICIANT: I pledge thee my faith.
BILL: Yeah, sure, why not? Chicks dig a guy with a ring!

OFFICIANT: I now pronounce you man and wife.
HILLARY: It should be wife and husband.
BILL: Hey, Al, who’s that babe in the front row?