Monday, January 28, 2008

Riverdance Kind of Sucks

I will admit that I am an uncultured swine (see previous item). I am also married, which means that occasionally my wife demands that I wash the Cheeto dust off my face, put on a shirt with buttons, and take her “somewhere nice.”

When you take your wife out “somewhere nice” you have to be careful, because if it’s too obviously something you want to do then it ends up causing fights and you have to go out the next weekend again to make up for it. So you can only drag her to so many giant monster movies and tractor pulls.

The best bet is to take her where people sing, or emote on stage, or dance (fully clothed and definitely not on a pole: I found out the hard way that’s not exactly what she considers "somewhere nice").

So I took her to Riverdance this weekend, which promised all three. I want you to know that I went in to the evening with very, very low expectations. Exceedingly low. And yet, my hopes were dashed.

It’s not that the Irish dancing was bad; that was actually kind of cool. It’s just that there’s less Irish dancing than you’d think. There’s a lot of wailing in some language not English, with lights flashing and musicians playing what sounds like fast-paced funeral dirges. Oh, and if there’s a story, it makes absolutely not one iota of sense.

To make matters even worse, we parked roughly five miles away, walked through the freezing cold, and she was sick. Dinner was nice, though.

At halftime she looked at me and said “are you enjoying this?”

I plastered on my best Joker smile and said “Of course! This is great! Can we come back next weekend? You want to buy the DVD they’re selling of it as a memento?”

“Well, if you’re enjoying it we’ll stay,” she said to me. “I’m okay to leave, though, because I really don’t feel well and-"

“LET’S GO!” I yelled, picking her up and running for the exits. I think I flattened an usher and three smokers during my stampede, but I stand by my mad dash. The show was so bad they asked to see tickets to let us leave, but I bribed the guard with a twenty just to escape.

It was a total victory for me. Next time I take her out, we can see the five-hour limited edition special Godzilla versus Truckasaurus, and if she complains I can say “I just thought since you drug me away from Riverdance you’d make it up to me…”

So to summarize: I love Riverdance, and I’m gonna get tickets the very next time my wife is sick.


Anonymous said...

funny stuff. I searched for stuff like this cuz i'm getting forced to go see this crap in a couple days. I, however, do consider myself somewhat cultured. I also feel this crap dancing is portrayed as highly artistic, but see it as pretentious drivel that's overly hyped cuz it's "irish." Here goes $150 and 2 hours wasted. The things we do for love....

Anonymous said...

Thank you for speaking my mind. The show was not particularly good, the only good parts being the irish dancing of which there is certainly not enough. But think yourself lucky, i live in ireland and had to endure unending references to this god forsaken show almost non stop for the best part of a decade. I did want to say i thought it was kinda crap but was afraid i'd get lynched. Thankfully, after 20 years or so, the hype is finally dying down and i feel free to comment, though i'm not crazy enough to leave my actual name or contact details.