Seahawks versus Packers
In a game with strong biblical overtones, aged Brett Favre will part the Seahawks defense like the Red Sea, and the Seahawks receivers will handle the football like it has turned into a snake. But the hidden key to this Packers rout is that unlike the Redskins, they have an old quarterback and a young coach, always a key to victory.
Packers 28, Seahawks 14
Jaguars versus Patriots
The first NFL game to be called early in the 4th quarter because the referee is afraid of a fatality, many Patriots players won’t even break a sweat disposing of the Jaguars. Tragedy will strike the Patriots afterwards when Bill Bellichek is struck by lightning. While many blame it on the microcircuitry in his raggedy sweatshirt, some say it was because he claimed in the postgame conference that “Not even God can stop the Patriots!”
Patriots 48, Jaguars 0 (with 22 injuries)
Colts versus Chargers
In between Peyton Manning commercials the best football game of the year will be played between two goliaths of the gridiron. The Chargers will squeak out a gutsy win in the closing seconds of what will be declared an instant classic, though poor officiating and an errant throw by Peyton Manning will play their part. Sportscenter anchors will immediately ask “Can Peyton win another big one?” and start whispering that Dungy is on the hot seat for another postseason failure.
Chargers 21, Colts 20
Giants versus Cowboys
For the first quarter, announcers will incessantly chatter about the comparisons between Eli and Peyton, wondering whether Peyton’s earlier mistake will plague Eli, as if they are the new Tomax and Xamot. In the second quarter cameras will track the reaction of Jessica Simpson to every single play, showing little of the action. The third quarter sees the triumphant return of an injured Terrell Owens, who limps his way to 8 catches and 121 yards with one TD. The fourth quarter has a dramatic, come-from-behind Cowboys win, as well as incessant comparisons of Tony Romo to Brett Favre and John Elway. Tiki Barber will criticize everyone in the Giants organization by name during the postgame show.
Cowboys 35, Giants 30
Packers versus Cowboys
Brett Favre will win the “Second Battle of the Alamo,” which is only fitting since as a boy he witnessed the first one. After the game TO will say that “I’m not the one who spent the week before the game canoodling with Jessica Simpson.” In addition to causing a rift that will loom over the Cowboys’ 2008 season, it will inspire Snoop Dogg to write the rap hit “Canoodlin Bitches.”
Packers 21, Cowboys 20
Chargers versus Patriots
The Chargers will win in a rout after Tom Brady suddenly corrodes halfway through the first quarter, aging before a horrified stadium of fans into a withered mummy before finally decaying into dust. After the game, a portrait of the Brady will be found hanging in his locker with a knife initialed BM stuck in its heart. Robert Kraft will mutter that at least he doesn’t have to worry about a Russian dictator stealing his XLI Superbowl ring.
Chargers 45, Patriots 7
SUPER BOWL XLII
Chargers versus Packers
Norv Turner’s unique gift at fielding unprepared, incompetent, overmatched teams is on full display in the most lopsided Super Bowl in history. After the game several despondent Chargers are put on suicide watch. Turner is immediately crowned “Worst Coach of the Decade” and fired by San Diego, whereupon Bill Parcells hires him to coach Dallas because “I like a challenge.” Inspired by Favre, AARP spokesman Dan Marino unretires and is immediately hired by Norv Turner because “the future is old quarterbacks.”
Packers 64, Chargers 3