Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Giuliani and Thompson to Form Third Party

Former national frontrunners and Republican presidential nominees Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson today announced that they will start a third party and attempt to directly gain the presidency. Their party, called the Sloth Party, is “dedicated to those lazy souls everywhere who say they want to do something, but end up doing nothing and allowing opportunity to pass them by.”

Rudy said that their bold strategy would be to “target the couch potato, the person with a gym membership who never goes, the procrastinators, the unregistered, and the generally lethargic.”

Early polls indicated that the two were preferred by a 2-to-1 margin among unregistered voters over their likely opponents, Hillary Clinton and John McCain. Among Democrats the Sloth Party gained 50% of the vote, with 45% for Hillary Clinton, and 5% voting “Bush is the devil.”

Among Republicans, the survey was much closer, with 30% voting for the Sloth Party, 28% for McCan, 20% for “Undecided”, and 21% voting “John McCain is a scum-sucking bastard who can go to hell.” 1% also said that Mitt Romney was “the finest businessman, politician, and human being I have ever met” but was ascribed to mistakenly contacting Hugh Hewitt.

Giuliani said that he had a dramatic four-state campaign visit already planned, hoping to appear at rallies in New York, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey in May and June. After that grueling schedule, Giuliani said he plans to ride out the rest of the election at his campaign HQ.

“Everybody will know that we’re in it, and I’m certain that word-of-mouth will get across the country and keep us in the race. Plus, after those four states’ results have come in during the national election, the rest of the country is sure to mimic their votes.”

Fred Thompson was unavailable for comment because he was resting up for a shuffleboard tournament later this year, but a spokesman said that “this time his heart is really in it.”

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