Candidate Games

John Edwards: Lawn Darts
Once outlawed in all 50 states and now replaced by flimsy plastic darts or glorified beanbags, once upon a time the injuries sustained in this simple game represented a tort liability that stretched from local homeowners to cities all the way up to the toy companies. Just thinking about them makes his short shorts a little bit tighter.

Hillary Clinton: Spades
Not only is she handy with a shovel, having buried hundreds of skeletons in the basement, but Clinton has shown unique skill in playing the race card so skillfully that it almost always comes out on top. And the queen of spades is affectionately known as “the bitch”, which is certainly her nickname in many Republican circles.

Ron Paul: Clue
The game of accusation is right in the wheelhouse of this conspiracy-minded idiot. He gets to accuse people wildly, and there is little or no penalty of being wrong. As an added bonus, there are no black characters in the game, and he gets to handle a noose, both of which are near to his heart.

Fred Thompson: Don’t Wake Daddy
Because once daddy’s awake, you’re going to get a beating. And if Fred Thompson ever wakes up, he may actually win a caucus or two.

John McCain: Spin the Bottle
McCain is like that shy kid that spins the hot girl: he’s all blushes in the beginning, but as soon as their lips touch he’s ramming his tongue down her throat and groping her because he knows it’s his one chance to touch glory. Just like how McCain acted with amnesty. Or campaign-finance reform. Or the war. Or anything else that comes into his head.

Mike Huckabee:
Good ministers don’t play games, they focus on improving the here-and-now with massive government subsidies approved by questioning the faith of everyone who dares to stand in their way. Plus, games are the tools of the devil.

Mitt Romney: Stratego
I don’t care what kind of strategy you have all planned out, if you run your general into a mine right out of the starting block then you’re screwed no matter what you do for the rest of the game.

Rudy Giuliani: Russian Roulette
You’ve gotta be a little bit brave and a little bit crazy to play Russian Roulette. Similarly, you’ve got to be both to run for the Republican nomination as a thrice-divorced, pro-choice New Yorker.

Barack Obama: Twister
Because no other candidate could possibly twist up his party and his opponents half as much as Obama does.