Advice for Fred Fans

Confused? Depressed over Fred Thompson's withdrawal? Not sure who to support now, and feeling a little let down because Fred won't tell you who to back?

Never fear! Just look through the candidates below and decide which one most meets your Fred Thompson needs. I'll give each one a Freddiness rating to help you easily see how close they are to being the real Fred.

John McCain

Pros: He and Thompson are close friends, and both are old.

Cons: Eager to spit in the eye of conservatives to prove his independent streak.

Freddiness: He's a Daphne: close to Fred, but with important key differences, and he'll cheat on you when he gets the chance.

Mitt Romney

Pros: Mitt's got movie-star hair, and Fred is a movie star.

Cons: Can you really trust a guy that governed Ted Kennedy's home state to be your Republican nominee?

Freddiness: Definitely a Velma: poised, smart, well-spoken, and easily overshadowed by a tight sweater.

Rudy Giuliani

Pros: Rudy was a US attorney. Fred plays a District Attorney on TV. Both are divorced. Both don't go into "all that religion stuff."

Cons: His wife isn't nearly as hot as Fred's wife.

Freddiness: Some, but he really feels more like a guest star than the real deal.

Mike Huckabee

Pros: None readily apparent.

Cons: Mouth-breathing socialist moron.

Freddiness: Reverend Lovejoy is more inspiring than this twit.

Ron Paul

Pros: Can always be counted on to make you laugh and feel better about yourself.

Cons: That's not exactly in the job description.

Freddiness: Such a clownish buffoon should really be cast as the villain.

Hillary Clinton

Pros: I'll let you know when I come up with one.

Cons: See 1992-2000.

Freddiness: Not even close, and it's ridiculous that you would even ask!

John Edwards

Pros: Was a lawyer, and Fred has played many lawyers in film. Was also an unsuccessful VP candidate in 2004, and Fred is rumored to be running for the VP position in the GOP.

Cons: Cowardly demagogue.

Freddiness: More Shaggy than Freddy.

Barack Obama

Pros: Would confound the world about Americans and their values.

Cons: Naivete would likely leave Israel as a smoking atomic crater. Blathers about hope without telling us what he'd do.

Freddiness: Mystery Machine, because nobody knows what the hell he would do as president.