Friday, January 18, 2008

Hollywood pleads with UN to ‘Stop the Genocide’

Admitting that the situation has spiraled out of control and that violence is imminent, a group of influential Hollywood producers today pleaded with UN envoys for a peacekeeping force “to protect us from genocide at the hands of bloodthirsty New Media security forces.”

A spokesman for Hollywood said that “Every day it becomes more and more clear that these so-called podcasters and their ilk are nothing more than murderous criminals, intent on destroying the golden goose from whose teat we have suckled for four generations. It is imperative that the UN take immediate steps to protect us by deploying security forces in and around Hollywood.”

One Hollywood observer said the bold gamble might pay off. “The studios have a lot of experience in child exploitation and the sex trade, so the amount of synergy between them and your average peacekeeper is pretty high. And these New Media types are pasty keyboard guys, so they won’t stand a chance against the rough-and-tumble types that make up your typical contingent of Swedish peacekeepers.”

Jimmy Carter, who had recently arrived in Hollywood to negotiate the peace talks between striking writers and the moguls, said that “the real source of these problems is years of on-line apartheid and the unlawful expansion of bloggers into public opinion and news, traditionally an area controlled by Hollywood. The solution is to place the entire Internet under control of the UN in order to monitor and approve all content.”

Republican presidential candidate John McCain agreed with the Carter Plan. “I’ve long been an advocate of greater speech controls,” McCain said in a stump speech. “People should not be allowed to just say whatever they want. Well, except for me.”

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