Monday, January 14, 2008

Doomsday Snowball set to ‘Slushy’

The Environmental Crisis Communication Center today announced that the Doomsday Snowball would be set to ‘Slushy’ as a result of the disappointing results of the Bali conference, improvements in the quality of life for poorer nations, and continued modeling that shows onrushing environmental catastrophe. That, and continued US intransigence.

Nancy MacPherson-Houghton, spokeshuman for the ECCC, said that they were deeply concerned that Global Warming hasn’t dominated the discussion in the presidential race, instead taking a back seat to less-pressing issues like war, immigration, and which candidate looks more like a mummified corpse risen from the grave to take revenge on the living.

“The Doomsday Snowball tells us how close we are to being utterly annihilated in a warm, salty tide of our own wastes. In 1950 it was ‘Firm and Powdery’, but recently its decline has been accelerated to reflect increasing risks to all life. And everybody knows if you throw a slushy snowball at a little kid you can make them cry, because it really stings. We can’t afford to wait until the snowball gets to ‘Cold Wet Rock’ because that means humanity is done for.”

Award-winning prophet of doom Al Gore said he thought that the ECCC was being optimistic. “Model after model shows impending doom imminent on the horizon, and they’re saying we have several decades left? It’s clear that they’re just another part of the vast oil-industry right-wing noise machine seeking to thwart scientific consensus. Unless people quickly funnel money into my shell-game companies and allow starving people to die off quickly, we’re all doomed. Repent and pray that Gaia forgives us!”

(NOTE: The ECCC is a nonpartisan public awareness group dedicated to ‘communicating that modern life is rapidly destroying the planet and jeopardizing the future of the human race.’ It is headed by Ralph Nader , with funding from the Soros Institute for Advanced American Decline.

(The FU-AP contributed to this report.)

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