Republican Presidentail candidate Ron Paul, desperate for a bounce in his polling numbers ahead of Super Tuesday, today spoke out against a controversial plan by President Bush to build a lunar station by 2020. Paul told a crowd of 30 mentally questionable semi-retired cranks that his first task as president would be to halt NASA’s plan for the station.
“It’s an affront to human dignity, a lunar Guantanamo where this president hopes to stash so-called undesirables,” Paul said at his appearance. “But I will not allow the ghettoization of the moon to continue, and my first words to NASA will be: tear down this base!”
Other candidates, sensing an opportunity to malign the current president, were quick to voice their opposition to the plan as well. John Edwards, speaking with reporters from his palatial mansion while receiving a backrub from scantily-clad San Francisco youths, said he not only was against the plan but felt NASA should be defunded because of it.
“It’s a sad day when a proud organization like NASA helps the plutocrats of this administration steal from the poor and downtrodden of the United States. This calls into question the judgment abilities of those working at NASA. Did I mention my dad was a millworker and I’m the only white male in the Democratic race? Not that I’m encouraging bigotry or misogyny from potential supporters, particularly those based in the southern US.”
When asked about the space station, GOP candidate John McCain flew into an incoherent rage and shouted profanities until dragged away, prompting reporters to describe him as “a passionate maverick.”
Other Democratic candidates were quick to score anti-Bush points as well. Bill Clinton, on the stump for his wife in South Carolina, said “When I look at the moon I think about racial harmony and realizing Dr. King’s dream, just like my wife. But I bet when Obama looks at it he thinks about how it helps police track down drug dealers as they flee from Tony Rezko’s slums in Chicago after shooting a helpless old woman.”
Responding to the former president’s remarks, Obama called him “a dirty old man who fools around with interns. If Hillary had any integrity then she’d disavow him and those comments.”
Hillary Clinton responded that “I wouldn’t presume to speak for Mr. Clinton, since he’s just a supporter like everyone else, and I haven’t spent any substantive time with him in several years. When Mr. Obama wants to discuss the issues instead of his own sordid past, I will be ready to talk about them. Now excuse me, I’m tearing up thinking about how difficult it is to succeed as a woman against all these vicious men.”