Wednesday, September 3, 2008

NFL Gambling Preview

Most sports web sites give you lots of accurate information and tips to help you gamble, yet scrupulously avoid actually using the word "bet" to keep from offending sensibilities and hold up the fiction that NFL games aren't rigged by a big Eastern syndicate.

They also participate in the fiction that there are teams outside of the East Coast (geographical area: Massachusetts to Washington, DC) that are good.

You won't find that here. I guarantee that my information is inaccurate, but I will give you keen gambling advice. Specifically, don't bet on football games, because you can't predict anything that's going to happen. Seriously. There is no logic to it.

Okay, if you have to bet, do this: bet against the favorites in every game the first two weeks, because the fact is nobody knows who will be good and bad at this point in the season, and a few monster wins will help offset your losses. Then stop betting altogether or you'll lose what you've gained.

Further, I refuse to participate in the geographical fiction that there are decent teams outside of the greater New York area. To this end, I've renamed every division.

AFC Inside New York Division
Eastern New York Heroes (aka New England): 6-12
Listen, it's possible that the Patriots are singularly different than almost every other team that loses the Super Bowl. It's possible that these robotic superhumans will shake off the emotional detritus of falling short of historic perfection and achieve greatness again. It's possible that the fantastic luck of the last 6 seasons will continue. But it ain't likely.

Western New York Cattle-Themed Nimrods (aka Buffalo): 8-8
The last time the Bills were good, Jim Kelly still played for them. In related news, he's still athletic enough to start at almost any position on the team and replace the player currently filling that slot.

Over New York Atmospheric Pollution Deliverers (aka NY Jets): 1-15
Reality: Brett Favre is not the quarterback he once was, and the quarterback he once was was average. The solution to the Jets was not Favre, it was to move out of the AFC East.

Southern New York Futilloids (aka Miami): 0-16
This year, they finally make perfection. And no, I don't buy the Bill Parcells mystique as GM. But thanks for asking!

NFC Inside New York Division
Southern New York Oil-Drilling Barbarians (aka Cowboys): 4-12
This team will be marred by several fistfights over who has the prettiest face, sexiest girlfriend, and who touched who during the slumber party over at TO's house. But all will be forgiven, until the team loses two in a row and tempers flare and the entire team falls apart, much to the chagrin of the horrid undead mummy that owns the whole thing. But he likes rebuilding, so it shouldn't keep him depressed for too long.

Downtown New York Pigeons (aka Philadelphia): 12-4
I tried to think of something funny to put here, but I couldn't come up with anything. So consider this a recycled "they once hit Santa with a snowball" joke and let's let it go at that, okay?

Greatest Team in History, Best Manning Brother, Awesomely Awesome Titans of the Gridiron New York Giants: 8-8
I don't understand how Eli Manning is suddenly "equal" to Peyton Manning. Would you suggest, straight-faced, that Trent Dilfer is also the equal of Peyton Manning, based on their equal number of Super Bowl victories?

Trump Towers Egomaniacal Owner's Team (aka Washington): 2-14
If I lived in the Washington, DC area I'd be selling "Snyder Must Go!" shirts at every home game. He's like George Steinbrenner, only absent the keen judgment.

AFC Northern New York Division
Industrially Derelict Anachronisms (aka Pittsburgh): 12-4
In order to bolster attendance at Pirates games, the Steelers will give away 100 Pirates tickets to everyone who attends a Steelers game in September. If even one fan shows up for a baseball game, it'll double normal attendance.

West New York Flaming Lakes (aka Cleveland): 7-11
If you made keen financial decisions like the Browns do quarterbacking decisions, then you're reading this from a free computer in the library, where you not incidentally live since they foreclosed on your house.

Sing-Sing Slammers (aka Cincinnati): 1-15
Can we officially call Marvin Lewis a failure? Or is he only a failure if there's a crime spree during an actual game?

Southern New York Hypocrites (aka Baltimore): 3-13
I had the pleasure of living in Baltimore for three years when they finally stole the Browns from Cleveland, and I can honestly tell you there's not a more wretched hive of scum and hypocrisy than the jerkoffs who live there. Their attitude was "the NFL screwed us, so we're perfectly justified in screwing Cleveland!"

NFC Northern New York Division
Frozen Famous Ray's Pizza (aka Green Bay): 14-2
Imagine that you were a plowhorse, working all day pulling a gigantically fat man who simultaneously whipped you and bragged about how much work he was doing tilling the field. Then, one day, the man not only fell off the cart but you actually got to run him over. Wouldn't you suddenly feel light as a feather?

Ethnically Insensitive Greenwich Village Persons (aka Minnesota): 12-4
There's only a limited amount of time that the Vikings can continue to be bad, right?

Lesser New York Zoo and Amusement Park (aka Chicago): 2-14
If you know of any good quarterbacks in the greater North American area, you might want to drop a line to the Bears front office, because they can't seem to find one.

Manhattan Rasputins (aka Detroit): 2-14
It's really too bad that Voodoo Priest Matt Millen uses all his dark powers keeping the Ford family enthralled, because if he spent just a fraction of that malevolence on the other teams Detroit would go undefeated and win the Super Bowl.

AFC Southern New York/New Jersey Redneck Division
Visiting Out-Of-Towners (aka Indianapolis): 16-0
Anything that Tom Brady can do, Peyton Manning can do better. Which is why the undefeated Colts will lose in the first round rather than in the Super Bowl.

Damn Tourists (aka Jacksonville): 8-8
I don't know what to say about this team other than every year they are promised as the next big thing, and every year they are average. On the upside, though, I'm not a fan.

Ellis Island Gap-Toothed Hicks (aka Tennessee): 6-10
On the upside, the Titans don't face UCLA. Plus, 4 of the 6 wins should come in the latter half of the season to help excite people for next season, when they'll again underachieve until the playoffs are out of reach.

Southern New York non-Oil Drilling Barbarians (aka Texans): 13-3
Proof that sportswriters are churlish: the absolute lack of articles apologizing for lambasting the Texans for taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. After excoriating the Texans for daring not to take a darling-of-the-media RB, the performance of Bush has once again proven the futility of taking the position high in the draft.

NFC Southern New York/New Jersey Redneck Division
Non-Casino Affiliated Pirates (aka Tampa Bay): 8-8
Have we officially decided that John Gruden's not a genius? Or is the jury still out on that? And if he's not, do we admit that Tony Dungy is? And if Dungy is, can we adequately explain why this wasn't properly understood a few years ago?

Albany Ineptitude (aka Atlanta): 7-9
You don't just bad-luck your way into the circumstances that have landed Atlanta in to the lowly state it is in today; you have to want to go there. Kind of like visiting 5 grand a night call girls while being governor.

New York Parks and Recreation Swamp-League Champions (aka New Orleans): 6-10
Because the NFL is all about sweetness and light, they continue to do everything in their power to depress Saints attendance by scheduling as few home games as possible.

Golden Gloves League Champs (aka Carolina): 2-14
Isn't it depressing that the Panthers have had more legitimate heavyweight fights than Madison Square Gardens in the last ten years? You throw in the cheerleader scandal from a few years ago and I'm starting to wonder if Carolina isn't the new cultural center of the US.

AFC Western New York Coastal Elites
East River Surfer Dudes (aka San Diego): 6-10
Fact: the new NFL rule book forbids cloning players and using them at every position, because there was a rumor that the Chargers intended to do this to get around their limitation of having only one LT. Of course, if they had done that, the postgame news conference after their inevitable playoff loss would have had more complaining than the Vagina Monologues.

Upper New York Soulless Automatons (aka Denver): 10-6
The biggest question around the Broncos this year is how they'll mishandle Jay Cutler once again, since that seems to be the preoccupation of the organization.

Non-Casino Affiliated Pirates, AFC Version (aka Oakland): 1-15
If we were really serious about toppling dictators, somebody'd liberate the Raiders from Al Davis. Until that happens, I'll know it's all talk and no action.

Western New York Midwestern Affiliate (aka Kansas): 4-12
Again, I'm stumped for something to say about them, other than to wonder how Kansas was ever considered "West".

NFC Western New York Non-Great Lakes Division
Starbucks Coffee Uninspiring Cup o'The Weak (aka Seattle): 12-4
Seahawks victories are like currencies, so you need to convert them. Every win is worth half a win in a real division, and every loss counts double.

New York Museum of Natural History (aka San Francisco): 1-15
If there's one team whose best days are certainly behind it, it's the 49ers. But man, the Alcatraz tour sure is nice.

Eastern New York School of Geography (aka St. Louis): 8-8
One last hurrah for the Rams, who after this year will be outsourced to India in order to save costs. This move makes sense, because the Rams have been phoning in games for years.

New York Institute for the Criminally Inept (aka Arizona): 3-13
The best thing about being a Cardinals player is that you can freely schedule your time outside of football, because you know you'll be available from the last week of December onwards to do whatever you want.

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