Classified Ads of the Damned

HELP WANTED
Large lakefront town with poor economy, weak infrastructure, rampant crime, and civil corruption seeks mayor. Must be good dresser, haberdashery enthusiast. Prefer eunuch. Contact motorcity@hellhole.mi.

Football team seeks owner who is not an egomaniacal moron that spends money like a drunken frat boy at a Girls Gone Wild filming. Will accept Steinbrenners, Schotts, or pretty much anybody else. Contact redskins@ohpleaselethimsell.dc.

Leading political party seeks congressional leaders. No tin-eared, ham-fisted, corruptly incompetent louts need apply. Also seeking clue. Contact democrats@congress.gov.

Former presidential candidate seeks documentary filmmaker to tell "the real story" of my fall from grace, focusing on malfeasance of press and villainous Republican smears. No experience necessary; prefer big jugs. Send photo (preferably topless) to HairyJohn@theotheramerica.us.

Network seeks anchors for pretty much any show at any time to replace cast of unprofessional cretins currently employed. Must be able to not foam at the mouth for one full hour, garner more than a 0.1 Nielson rating, and avoid on-air bickering with cohosts. Contact MSNBC@disaster.net.

SEEKING POSITIONS
Aggressive go-getter with track record of accomplishment and 18 million supporters looking for position with open-minded major political party. Experience hosting lavish parties, campaigning and being passed over for younger men. Contact hillary@bitter.PUMA.

Likeable nimrod searches for position where I can spout populist nonsense and preen in the public eye until 2012. Contact Huckleberry@gibberish.ar.

FOR SALE
LIKE NEW! Faux Greek temple backdrop, perfect for picnics, arugula fairs, or Sophocles. Some ego damage. Contact BO@hubris.com.

Want precious metals? I've got tons available at rock-bottom prices! Next shipment should arrive in 2012. Contact Phelps@aquaman.com.

Need some goodwill? We've built up a little, and we'd like to sell it…cheap! While the market is hot! We're willing to give it away for pennies on the dollar simply for the illusion of "progress"! Just contact republicans@congress.gov.

WANT TO BUY
Seeking high-powered telescope with infrared lens for observing local wildlife, specifically interception-prone quarterbacks as they get in and out of the shower. Not a stalker, just a really, really interested fan. Contact peterking@lovemesomefavre.hunky!

Need backpack-style baby carrier that allows child to be seen clearly from any camera angle yet prevents it from making noise to distract from rousing speeches. Contact sarah@notapropjustagimmick.ak.