Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Open Letter to David Blaine

I hate to break this to you, but your continuous attempts to shock and amaze us are sort of bordering on lame. Hanging upside down? Really? That’s the best you could come up with? You could have at least hung upside down suspended by your nipples, like something Kris Angel might do. Now that would be freaky!

While you want to shock and amaze us all with your “endurance magic”, the reality is that you’d struggle to be the coolest guy at a Guinness Book of Records Reunion. I mean, that dude that can fit pool balls in his mouth? That’s impressive and dangerous, plus it’s a perfect party trick. How many homes just happen to have a thirty-foot-boom crane and a glass cage in the backyard?

Outside of Las Vegas, I mean.

I’ve got more news for you: the ladies don’t love magicians any more; that boat sailed when Claudia Schiffer found out that David Copperfield was both gay and a pervert. All the supermodels are dating fat comedians now. You were born in the wrong decade: should have been born in the 80’s. Then you, too, could have had a nasty divorce from Christy Brinkley.

Come to think of it, she’s available. You know what would be a magical feat of endurance? Stay married to her longer than two weeks and not have it end in a bitter tabloid divorce.
Do that, and we’ll all be true believers.

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