Monday, January 19, 2009

Cowboys to Build Second Locker Room

Jerry Jones today hit back at growing rumors that the Dallas Cowboys sought to part ways with troublesome wide receiver Terrell Owens, saying that his organization "valued this great receiver and all of the contributions he can make on the field."

However, the Quixotic owner announced that there would be changes to the Dallas stadium for the 2009 season.

"Listen, I'll admit that the guy's a locker room cancer," Jones told reporters. "So we're going to be building a second locker room, just for T.O. It's gonna be eighty thousand square feet, with Italian marble sinks, a solid gold locker, and mirrors everywhere so that TO can see his favorite person night and day. And it might not even be in Dallas: we're thinking of putting it in Austin, where someone with TO's personality can fly under the radar."

Jones had other plans, too. "We're not just putting him in a separate locker room, though. He'll have his own staff, from coach to trainer to ballboy, dedicated to making TO happy. A separate uniform for TO. A different charter flight. A different practice schedule. Everything designed to keep TO completely isolated from the team except on Sunday afternoons, some Monday nights, and Thanksgiving Day."

Some questioned whether the plan, dubbed Typhoid TO around Dallas headquarters, went far enough. One inside source said that "everyone is completely sick of hearing TO, TO, TO. Well, everyone except Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia, who are laughing their butts off at us."

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