So everybody and his grandmother is piling on Bill Belichick's decision to go for it on 4th-and-2 from the Patriot's own 28. It's the "safe" attack in sports talk right now, like when you want to make fun of Mike Tyson for being a cannibal or Al Davis for being a rotting mummy.
Only, the people criticizing Belichick are wrong. They're not only wrong, they're airing their math ignorance as proof of the righteousness of their cause.
Typical is Peter King, who as always is not afraid to slavishly follow where the pack has led him. He compares it to Grady Little's call in the MLB playoffs to leave in Pedro Martinez and says it indelibly blots Belichick's resume.
Firstly, let's explore King's math: he puts the odds of the Patriots making the 1st down "at 60, 65 percent." Then he says in the very next sentence that "the odds of Manning going 72 yards to score a touchdown in less than two minutes…that's maybe 35 percent."
Um, dumbass? 65 plus 35 is a hundred. So the outcome of the two propositions is exactly equal. Even if we accept the lower value of 60, our precision is so poor that it seems like these are pretty similar propositions.
And this is before we begin considering what can go wrong on a punt: blocked punt, return for TD, long return, illegal block in the back, etc. It's true that the receiver could fumble it, but more punts go badly for the punting team than go well. So there's a significant (even if minor) element of risk for the Patriots by punting.
Putting that side, though, consider this: if the Patriots make the play, they win. So the chance of the Patriots winning on offense is 65%. If they punt, and the Colts have a 35% chance to score, then the chance of the Patriots winning on defense is 65%
As proof, King enters into the ledger the Colt's previous seven drives, of which two were touchdowns, two were interceptions, and three were punts. So the Colts had scored on 28.6% of their previous seven possessions. If that trend continued, then we could concede that the Patriots had a slight edge to win on defense (71.4%) over offense.
But football, as King surely knows, is a game of momentum. And teams that are on a comeback are dangerous in the 4th quarter, when the defense begins to flag. In the fourth quarter, the Colts had scored twice and had an interception. That's a whopping 66% chance to score. If that is the real metric to watch, then the Patriots definitely should go for it: they have a 65% chance to win on offense and a 34% chance to win on defense.
And the math from the seven possessions is certainly not accurate, as we know that Indy will not punt in this situation. So we have 7 possessions, but we must ask ourselves: what would have happened on the three punts? Well, if they would have scored a TD one time out of those three, then the chances that they'll score now are 3/7, or 43%. So the Patriots have a 60-65% chance to win on offense, and a 57% chance to win on defense.
The team with the ball gets to decide what happens; the defense can only react to what the offense does. Belichick knows this. He has a 65% chance to seize a win, or a 65% (or less) chance to hope that Indy does not seize the win. So he chooses to go for it himself.
It's a courageous play, not an arrogant play. Those who are excoriating him now are cowards, who would rather kick the ball away and hope that the other team either screws up or doesn't score, secure in the knowledge that if they do score, then you can fall back on "well, that's why Manning will be in the Hall of Fame one day."
Screw that! Belichick went to seize the win, Manning be damned, and his team didn't come up with two yards. Sometimes life is like that. We were all so excited about Brady and Moss both being healthy, and we've been drooling over their record-setting offense that blew the doors off opponents two years ago.
Where did that energy from pundits go? Did they forget that this is the Patriot's strength? Why should the Pats meekly kick off and "hope for the best"? When did this become a quintessential American value?
Fools, cowards, and morons are criticizing Belichick. Others, more mature and inclined to understand strategy, should appreciate a logical move made to control your own destiny that, as is sometimes the case, didn't quite work out.
One last word on King's cowardly illogic: he compares Belichick to Grady Little because Little is hated in New England and his name despised for costing them the World Series. But you know what?
It's King and his ilk who would advise going the Grady Little route, not Belichick. A tired defense has yielded two quick scores to a resurgent offense that is undefeated, so King wants to roll the dice and fall back on it for "one last try" and "make Manning earn it." Meanwhile, Belichick would rather go with own offense, which was having a great day, and play for the win, now, and keep control in his own hands.
It's the difference between controlling your destiny and "hoping for the best", which is essentially what King advises that they should have done.
And is what Little did when he left Pedro Martinez in one pitch too long.
Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Why Baseball is America's Sport
While the unthinking cosmos turns in its splendor around us, and our national soul is rent asunder on the political stage, it is always comforting this time of year to know that we can turn our careworn eyes to sports to find ourselves reflected in its warming glow.
But this warmth comes not from the beer-soaked artificial grass of the football field, with the communist NFL teams each vying to be more average than one another and the slaveholding plantations of College Football using computers to see which one gets to discriminate against the Mormon colleges. Nor do we see ourselves in the vast array of minor sports, from lacross to hockey to basketball.
No, I speak of that truest of American sports: Baseball.
Baseball is a microcosm of life, capitalism, and truth: rich teams like New York or Boston are able to shower players with money, thus allowing them to hold a competitive edge that can never be erased. This is good, and right, and completely American. Who wants underdogs succeeding when we have rich, cocky favorites to support?
You see this attitude rightly reflected in sports film. When I saw the first Rocky, there wasn't a dry eye in the house when cocky champion Apollo Creed finally put the common street man in his place. Once again sanity reigned, and the favorite won out over the plucky underdog. This is why Rocky is a successful movie that won a screenwriting Oscar, the first ever awarded to a functional illiterate.
Who among us cannot help but smile when the rich, elite private school that recruits players from out of state wins out over the small, rural public school in the local sporting levels? This is right, and good, and the way that the world should work: underdogs should lose, because that is why they are underdogs.
There are signs of hope in the NFL that this mediocrity might finally begin to fracture, and we could once again have the elite and the scum, which is the way of the world. Everyone I know is praying for an uncapped year, so that we can finally see football teams vastly overpay for fading stars at the tail end of their careers, just as we so often see in baseball.
Because as the old joke goes, what's the difference between Lehman's CEO buyout package and Carl Pavano's contract with the Yankees?
The Lehman CEO wasn't a part-time employee.
But this warmth comes not from the beer-soaked artificial grass of the football field, with the communist NFL teams each vying to be more average than one another and the slaveholding plantations of College Football using computers to see which one gets to discriminate against the Mormon colleges. Nor do we see ourselves in the vast array of minor sports, from lacross to hockey to basketball.
No, I speak of that truest of American sports: Baseball.
Baseball is a microcosm of life, capitalism, and truth: rich teams like New York or Boston are able to shower players with money, thus allowing them to hold a competitive edge that can never be erased. This is good, and right, and completely American. Who wants underdogs succeeding when we have rich, cocky favorites to support?
You see this attitude rightly reflected in sports film. When I saw the first Rocky, there wasn't a dry eye in the house when cocky champion Apollo Creed finally put the common street man in his place. Once again sanity reigned, and the favorite won out over the plucky underdog. This is why Rocky is a successful movie that won a screenwriting Oscar, the first ever awarded to a functional illiterate.
Who among us cannot help but smile when the rich, elite private school that recruits players from out of state wins out over the small, rural public school in the local sporting levels? This is right, and good, and the way that the world should work: underdogs should lose, because that is why they are underdogs.
There are signs of hope in the NFL that this mediocrity might finally begin to fracture, and we could once again have the elite and the scum, which is the way of the world. Everyone I know is praying for an uncapped year, so that we can finally see football teams vastly overpay for fading stars at the tail end of their careers, just as we so often see in baseball.
Because as the old joke goes, what's the difference between Lehman's CEO buyout package and Carl Pavano's contract with the Yankees?
The Lehman CEO wasn't a part-time employee.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Cowboys to Build Second Locker Room
Jerry Jones today hit back at growing rumors that the Dallas Cowboys sought to part ways with troublesome wide receiver Terrell Owens, saying that his organization "valued this great receiver and all of the contributions he can make on the field."
However, the Quixotic owner announced that there would be changes to the Dallas stadium for the 2009 season.
"Listen, I'll admit that the guy's a locker room cancer," Jones told reporters. "So we're going to be building a second locker room, just for T.O. It's gonna be eighty thousand square feet, with Italian marble sinks, a solid gold locker, and mirrors everywhere so that TO can see his favorite person night and day. And it might not even be in Dallas: we're thinking of putting it in Austin, where someone with TO's personality can fly under the radar."
Jones had other plans, too. "We're not just putting him in a separate locker room, though. He'll have his own staff, from coach to trainer to ballboy, dedicated to making TO happy. A separate uniform for TO. A different charter flight. A different practice schedule. Everything designed to keep TO completely isolated from the team except on Sunday afternoons, some Monday nights, and Thanksgiving Day."
Some questioned whether the plan, dubbed Typhoid TO around Dallas headquarters, went far enough. One inside source said that "everyone is completely sick of hearing TO, TO, TO. Well, everyone except Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia, who are laughing their butts off at us."
However, the Quixotic owner announced that there would be changes to the Dallas stadium for the 2009 season.
"Listen, I'll admit that the guy's a locker room cancer," Jones told reporters. "So we're going to be building a second locker room, just for T.O. It's gonna be eighty thousand square feet, with Italian marble sinks, a solid gold locker, and mirrors everywhere so that TO can see his favorite person night and day. And it might not even be in Dallas: we're thinking of putting it in Austin, where someone with TO's personality can fly under the radar."
Jones had other plans, too. "We're not just putting him in a separate locker room, though. He'll have his own staff, from coach to trainer to ballboy, dedicated to making TO happy. A separate uniform for TO. A different charter flight. A different practice schedule. Everything designed to keep TO completely isolated from the team except on Sunday afternoons, some Monday nights, and Thanksgiving Day."
Some questioned whether the plan, dubbed Typhoid TO around Dallas headquarters, went far enough. One inside source said that "everyone is completely sick of hearing TO, TO, TO. Well, everyone except Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia, who are laughing their butts off at us."
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Cultists, the NFL, and you
Some people worry about foreign strife, while others are kept up at night by a tanking economy. But unlike such ephemeral concerns, the thing that worries me is that a current NFL personality will start up a cult of personality that will end up making the Manson Family look like the Simpsons.
Okay, that was a bad analogy, because the Simpsons are awful, and just watching them will make you want to gouge your eyes out. How about they make the Manson Family look like the Osmond Family?
You're probably thinking to yourself: there goes Plebian, being crazy and worrying about something that could never possibly happen, and making up exaggerated scenarios for comedic effect.
Well, you've got some nerve, you know that?
Anyways, think about all the cult-like leaders currently roaming the landscape in the NFL right now. Think about the disproportionate influence that previous NFL personalities have held over this country's culture in the past. Why, Jim Brown alone was responsible for 23% of all Blaxploitation films in the early 70's.
Here are the guys I'm keeping an eye on:
Brett Favre
I once had a sportswriter friend who criticized Brett Favre at a Sports Illustrated Christmas party, saying that he threw too many interceptions and his personality was essentially Terrell Owens, only without the charm. They never found the guy's body.
Really, has anybody ever enjoyed the free pass from criticism that Favre has enjoyed throughout his career? From flagrantly mispronouncing his name to screwing his former team (in a plethora of ways), Favre can do no wrong for fans and the media bobbleheads.
How can I get to be Favrian? "Well, you cost the company six gagillion dollars, but it was a gutsy move to gamble all our money on 00 on the roulette wheel, so I'll let it pass. Just try to be more careful in the future, okay?"
Cult-O-Meter Risk: LOW. If he did start a cult, it'd probably get intercepted by the Feds pretty quickly.
Norv Turner
Everybody knows Norv Turner's downsides: he looks like a creepy neighbor you expect to turn up on one of those "Wanted" posters in the post office, his only claim to coaching genius is being lucky enough to have Troy Aikman, Emmet Smith, and Michael Irvin on his offense, and his teams are perennially tagged as "underachieving" without anyone ever pausing to think that maybe it reflects on him.
The potential upside to having Norv Turner as your coach? You'll get a new coach within a few years who can rebuild the shattered husk of a team he leaves behind. Note that this didn't work out so well for Oakland, though.
One amusing thing is watching sportswriters and bloggers continue to labor to find excuses for why San Diego "underachieves" without throwing up their hands and saying "look, obviously, the guy sucks as a coach."
Cult-O-Meter Risk: NEGATIVE. Turner would probably take over a successful cult, but then run it into the ground and end up turning all the members Presbyterian or something. Any chance we can get him into Scientology?
Heath Shuler
How is it that an average college quarterback for Tennessee got so heavily drafted, deep-sixed his own career with an ill-advised holdout, flamed out in the NFL, then got elected as a Representative for North Carolina, and is now being touted for the Senate?
I dunno, but it doesn't happen without some really creepy explanation involving either pictures, fraud, or mass hysteria. And great cults are built on all of those things.
Plus, the chant factor for his name is pretty high: "Shuuuuulllleeeeer." Go on, say it. Just not while smoking dope, or you'll end up peeling him grapes in your underwear. And trust me, that's no picnic.
Cult-O-Meter Risk: MEDIUM. Did you know that he has a realty business based in Tennessee, yet is a Representative from North Carolina? If he starts nosing around Guyana, we'll bump him up to SEVERE immediately.
Tony Romo
Not only does he have Favrian-level apologists who never point out that he chokes in big games, and not only does he have movie-star good looks, and not only does he have hagiographic media coverage, he has the praise of Jessica Simpson, saying that he's "calmed her down."
Anybody who can calm down a Hollywood Starlet has Rasputian powers beyond wildest imaginings.
And that's without starting to discuss T.O. shedding great big tears over him.
Cult-O-Meter Risk: BE AFRAID. Be very afraid.
Okay, that was a bad analogy, because the Simpsons are awful, and just watching them will make you want to gouge your eyes out. How about they make the Manson Family look like the Osmond Family?
You're probably thinking to yourself: there goes Plebian, being crazy and worrying about something that could never possibly happen, and making up exaggerated scenarios for comedic effect.
Well, you've got some nerve, you know that?
Anyways, think about all the cult-like leaders currently roaming the landscape in the NFL right now. Think about the disproportionate influence that previous NFL personalities have held over this country's culture in the past. Why, Jim Brown alone was responsible for 23% of all Blaxploitation films in the early 70's.
Here are the guys I'm keeping an eye on:
Brett Favre
I once had a sportswriter friend who criticized Brett Favre at a Sports Illustrated Christmas party, saying that he threw too many interceptions and his personality was essentially Terrell Owens, only without the charm. They never found the guy's body.
Really, has anybody ever enjoyed the free pass from criticism that Favre has enjoyed throughout his career? From flagrantly mispronouncing his name to screwing his former team (in a plethora of ways), Favre can do no wrong for fans and the media bobbleheads.
How can I get to be Favrian? "Well, you cost the company six gagillion dollars, but it was a gutsy move to gamble all our money on 00 on the roulette wheel, so I'll let it pass. Just try to be more careful in the future, okay?"
Cult-O-Meter Risk: LOW. If he did start a cult, it'd probably get intercepted by the Feds pretty quickly.
Norv Turner
Everybody knows Norv Turner's downsides: he looks like a creepy neighbor you expect to turn up on one of those "Wanted" posters in the post office, his only claim to coaching genius is being lucky enough to have Troy Aikman, Emmet Smith, and Michael Irvin on his offense, and his teams are perennially tagged as "underachieving" without anyone ever pausing to think that maybe it reflects on him.
The potential upside to having Norv Turner as your coach? You'll get a new coach within a few years who can rebuild the shattered husk of a team he leaves behind. Note that this didn't work out so well for Oakland, though.
One amusing thing is watching sportswriters and bloggers continue to labor to find excuses for why San Diego "underachieves" without throwing up their hands and saying "look, obviously, the guy sucks as a coach."
Cult-O-Meter Risk: NEGATIVE. Turner would probably take over a successful cult, but then run it into the ground and end up turning all the members Presbyterian or something. Any chance we can get him into Scientology?
Heath Shuler
How is it that an average college quarterback for Tennessee got so heavily drafted, deep-sixed his own career with an ill-advised holdout, flamed out in the NFL, then got elected as a Representative for North Carolina, and is now being touted for the Senate?
I dunno, but it doesn't happen without some really creepy explanation involving either pictures, fraud, or mass hysteria. And great cults are built on all of those things.
Plus, the chant factor for his name is pretty high: "Shuuuuulllleeeeer." Go on, say it. Just not while smoking dope, or you'll end up peeling him grapes in your underwear. And trust me, that's no picnic.
Cult-O-Meter Risk: MEDIUM. Did you know that he has a realty business based in Tennessee, yet is a Representative from North Carolina? If he starts nosing around Guyana, we'll bump him up to SEVERE immediately.
Tony Romo
Not only does he have Favrian-level apologists who never point out that he chokes in big games, and not only does he have movie-star good looks, and not only does he have hagiographic media coverage, he has the praise of Jessica Simpson, saying that he's "calmed her down."
Anybody who can calm down a Hollywood Starlet has Rasputian powers beyond wildest imaginings.
And that's without starting to discuss T.O. shedding great big tears over him.
Cult-O-Meter Risk: BE AFRAID. Be very afraid.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Why I Love Toyota's 'Saved By Zero'
And why you should, too. Let us count the ways:
1) It's from a car company that's not begging for billions of dollars in tax money so it can continue to hemmorhage cash.
2) Anything that keeps The Fixx off the streets is a good thing. It's been a long time since "One Thing Leads to Another", you know? They could use the residuals. Either you let Toyota pay them, or next thing you know they'll be in the bailout line, too. And next you'll have Thomas Dolby and Rockwell asking for a handout to boot. Are you ready for that?
3) Peter King hates it (point 8b). And if it gets under the skin of an odius hypocrite like King, then it must be for the good of society.
4) ESPN's Sportsguy hates it too (point 17)! It's like garlic for Boston Red Sox fans or something! And Lord knows we need something to repel them. Somebody start playing this outside Ben Affleck's latest movie set, stat, and save us from another Fever Pitch debacle.
5) Anything that sets off those two I back whole-heartedly, in an "enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of way. If I still read Dr. Z, I bet I'd find the trifecta of evil are united against this commercial, making it the new James Bond.
6) I live in Europe, so I don't see US commercials, so quite frankly, even if it's awful I don't have to suffer.
7) The song pretty much sums up the Democrats this year.
8) Come to think of it, it sums up the Republicans, too, except they lost. Sunk with Zero might be more appropriate.
9) Quick: name another memorable car commercial. Just one. Can't think of one? That's because now you've been...Saved by Zero!
10) Because I hate the dancing transformer car commercial, that's why. See? I could name one, because I haven't been...SAVED BY ZERO!
1) It's from a car company that's not begging for billions of dollars in tax money so it can continue to hemmorhage cash.
2) Anything that keeps The Fixx off the streets is a good thing. It's been a long time since "One Thing Leads to Another", you know? They could use the residuals. Either you let Toyota pay them, or next thing you know they'll be in the bailout line, too. And next you'll have Thomas Dolby and Rockwell asking for a handout to boot. Are you ready for that?
3) Peter King hates it (point 8b). And if it gets under the skin of an odius hypocrite like King, then it must be for the good of society.
4) ESPN's Sportsguy hates it too (point 17)! It's like garlic for Boston Red Sox fans or something! And Lord knows we need something to repel them. Somebody start playing this outside Ben Affleck's latest movie set, stat, and save us from another Fever Pitch debacle.
5) Anything that sets off those two I back whole-heartedly, in an "enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of way. If I still read Dr. Z, I bet I'd find the trifecta of evil are united against this commercial, making it the new James Bond.
6) I live in Europe, so I don't see US commercials, so quite frankly, even if it's awful I don't have to suffer.
7) The song pretty much sums up the Democrats this year.
8) Come to think of it, it sums up the Republicans, too, except they lost. Sunk with Zero might be more appropriate.
9) Quick: name another memorable car commercial. Just one. Can't think of one? That's because now you've been...Saved by Zero!
10) Because I hate the dancing transformer car commercial, that's why. See? I could name one, because I haven't been...SAVED BY ZERO!
Monday, October 6, 2008
The King Code
Many of you probably read Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column today and totally missed the hidden subtext of his political denouncement of John McCain.
That's because many of you are dimwitted cretins. Fortunately for you, I am here to spell it out for you.
The background is this: King has sworn off political commentary this year in order to avoid alienating his readers, as he did during the 2004 and 2000 elections by his rampant boosterism of Democratic candidates. He made this vow two weeks ago.
Last week King came under fire by readers for re-airing a Chris Rock quote about Sarah Palin, where he said her choice for VP was so bad he expected it to have come from Al Davis. Many equated this to political commentary and let King know how displeased they were for violating his promise.
King renewed his vow, declared to be apolitical, and closed up his column by noting that he could listen to Keith Olbermann talk all day.
Translation: from now on, King will send his shout-outs via coded message.
So what were his coded messages this week? They are on this page. Just after praising Spike Lee's new film (calling into question King's tastes in movies), he tells us that:
l. Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history -- George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick.
We know from the use of the word "maverick" that King is referring to John McCain. And look at the list of characters that come before: loser Costanza, incompetent Fife, womanizing West, and Brian, who is an alcoholic dog.
What King's really saying: John McCain is a dying racist who plans on turning this country over to a crazed Christianist who will drive the Zionist agenda and lead us all to destruction, where we will be forced to eat dogs to survive.
I see through your ruse very clearly, Mr. King. Shame on you for violating the sacred trust between coffee-breathed sports journalist and reader!
King ends with this point:
m. Best pizza in New York, if you like thin crust similar to the best pizza in Italy: Fiorello's, on Broadway, between 63rd and 64th.
Which, as you no doubt realize, is a tacit admission that he likes to dress up in ballerina costumes and drink camel urine in hopes that they will help rejuvenate his waning libido. Oh, and he's frustrated because the only thing he's gotten by consuming up to 64 cases of penis-enlarging pills is massive flatulence.
Any idiot can see that in the subtext.
That's because many of you are dimwitted cretins. Fortunately for you, I am here to spell it out for you.
The background is this: King has sworn off political commentary this year in order to avoid alienating his readers, as he did during the 2004 and 2000 elections by his rampant boosterism of Democratic candidates. He made this vow two weeks ago.
Last week King came under fire by readers for re-airing a Chris Rock quote about Sarah Palin, where he said her choice for VP was so bad he expected it to have come from Al Davis. Many equated this to political commentary and let King know how displeased they were for violating his promise.
King renewed his vow, declared to be apolitical, and closed up his column by noting that he could listen to Keith Olbermann talk all day.
Translation: from now on, King will send his shout-outs via coded message.
So what were his coded messages this week? They are on this page. Just after praising Spike Lee's new film (calling into question King's tastes in movies), he tells us that:
l. Finally got to see the premiere of Family Guy, and if I had to pick, I'm not sure which TV character I'd chose as the best in history -- George Costanza, Barney Fife, James West or Brian the dog. Brian's quite a maverick.
We know from the use of the word "maverick" that King is referring to John McCain. And look at the list of characters that come before: loser Costanza, incompetent Fife, womanizing West, and Brian, who is an alcoholic dog.
What King's really saying: John McCain is a dying racist who plans on turning this country over to a crazed Christianist who will drive the Zionist agenda and lead us all to destruction, where we will be forced to eat dogs to survive.
I see through your ruse very clearly, Mr. King. Shame on you for violating the sacred trust between coffee-breathed sports journalist and reader!
King ends with this point:
m. Best pizza in New York, if you like thin crust similar to the best pizza in Italy: Fiorello's, on Broadway, between 63rd and 64th.
Which, as you no doubt realize, is a tacit admission that he likes to dress up in ballerina costumes and drink camel urine in hopes that they will help rejuvenate his waning libido. Oh, and he's frustrated because the only thing he's gotten by consuming up to 64 cases of penis-enlarging pills is massive flatulence.
Any idiot can see that in the subtext.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
How Golf Could be Better
Golf sucks, and it’s boring, and I’m not at all sorry to be the one to tell you that.
If by some inconceivable chance you’re one of the people who finds watching golf exciting, you’re weird, and I hate to tell you that everybody you know thinks that you’re weird. “He likes golf!” they whisper behind your back, laughing at you.
Many sports writers recently struggled with a way to dress up the US Ryder Cup victory, and settled on “US Finally Reclaims Ryder Cup.” But about 90% of those headlines started out as “Guys you Never Heard Of Win Trophy You Don’t Care About in Sport You Don’t Watch.”
The other 10% started out “Why I Love Golf Again” but the stories were never finished because their families, out of love, held an intervention and got treatment for the affected person.
Some people love golf because it’s a struggle of man against ball. Listen, not disappointing your wife by finishing in ten seconds is a struggle of man against ball. Golf is more a struggle of caddy against hanging himself out of boredom.
But, being the helpful guy I am, I’ll offer some suggestions for how we can improve golf.
Make it a Biathalon
How about this: throw a couple of rifles in the old golf bag, and between holes you have to hit a target at five hundred yards? Then, when your opponent tees off, you can try to shoot his ball out of the air to give him a five-stroke penalty. People might actually watch that, plus the errant shot would be great for ratings.
Dinosaurs and Pirates on Every Green
There’s a reason Putt-Putt is so popular, and it’s not because the fat guy behind the counter sells beer to minors. Okay, that’s about half of it, but the other half is because people love trying to knock the ball between Abraham Lincoln’s legs.
More Bob Barker
Everybody loves Bob Barker, even if his presence does sometimes unfortunately lead to more Drew Carey.
Catapults
I haven’t yet figured out what we’d do with them, but don’t we all agree that at least one sport should involve catapults? Maybe we could shoot the clubs out of them, or the golfers who don’t make the cut, or the rejects that fill the galleries. But it’d certainly dress up the game.
Exploding Balls
Not every one, but imagine if, before the game began, they knew that one ball in 50 was explosive. Every time they wound up, you’d be hanging on the edge of your seat to see if this was the one that blew up. Every golfer would hesitate just a little, knowing that the next tee shot might send him hurtling forty feet backwards.
And send golf ratings hurtling to the moon!
If by some inconceivable chance you’re one of the people who finds watching golf exciting, you’re weird, and I hate to tell you that everybody you know thinks that you’re weird. “He likes golf!” they whisper behind your back, laughing at you.
Many sports writers recently struggled with a way to dress up the US Ryder Cup victory, and settled on “US Finally Reclaims Ryder Cup.” But about 90% of those headlines started out as “Guys you Never Heard Of Win Trophy You Don’t Care About in Sport You Don’t Watch.”
The other 10% started out “Why I Love Golf Again” but the stories were never finished because their families, out of love, held an intervention and got treatment for the affected person.
Some people love golf because it’s a struggle of man against ball. Listen, not disappointing your wife by finishing in ten seconds is a struggle of man against ball. Golf is more a struggle of caddy against hanging himself out of boredom.
But, being the helpful guy I am, I’ll offer some suggestions for how we can improve golf.
Make it a Biathalon
How about this: throw a couple of rifles in the old golf bag, and between holes you have to hit a target at five hundred yards? Then, when your opponent tees off, you can try to shoot his ball out of the air to give him a five-stroke penalty. People might actually watch that, plus the errant shot would be great for ratings.
Dinosaurs and Pirates on Every Green
There’s a reason Putt-Putt is so popular, and it’s not because the fat guy behind the counter sells beer to minors. Okay, that’s about half of it, but the other half is because people love trying to knock the ball between Abraham Lincoln’s legs.
More Bob Barker
Everybody loves Bob Barker, even if his presence does sometimes unfortunately lead to more Drew Carey.
Catapults
I haven’t yet figured out what we’d do with them, but don’t we all agree that at least one sport should involve catapults? Maybe we could shoot the clubs out of them, or the golfers who don’t make the cut, or the rejects that fill the galleries. But it’d certainly dress up the game.
Exploding Balls
Not every one, but imagine if, before the game began, they knew that one ball in 50 was explosive. Every time they wound up, you’d be hanging on the edge of your seat to see if this was the one that blew up. Every golfer would hesitate just a little, knowing that the next tee shot might send him hurtling forty feet backwards.
And send golf ratings hurtling to the moon!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Inigo Montoya's Word of the Day
Using a Harvard Review word makes you seem intelligent. Unless you misuse a big word; then you seem like a dumb person trying to seem intelligent. This latter appears to be the case with Yahoo! Sports Steve Henson when he says the Marlins:
remain in the thick of the NL East despite being surrounded by the expensive, somnolent Phillies, Mets and Braves.
Somnolent means sleepy. If the Phillies, Mets, and Braves are somnolent, then the Marlins are in the NL East because of that, not despite that.
It's no wonder the board of Yahoo! didn't approve the offer from Microsoft, with quality like this. But of course, it begs the question of why Microsoft wanted to buy them.
I guess they were somnolent or something.
remain in the thick of the NL East despite being surrounded by the expensive, somnolent Phillies, Mets and Braves.
Somnolent means sleepy. If the Phillies, Mets, and Braves are somnolent, then the Marlins are in the NL East because of that, not despite that.
It's no wonder the board of Yahoo! didn't approve the offer from Microsoft, with quality like this. But of course, it begs the question of why Microsoft wanted to buy them.
I guess they were somnolent or something.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
The Curse of the Simpsons
It’s time to acknowledge that the Simpsons isn’t just a funny cartoon about some yellow doofuses. It is, in fact, responsible for tearing apart the fabric of our national pastime.
Just check out the lineup of the famous “Homer at the Bat” episode, where Mr. Burns hired a group of professional ringers to win his company softball tournament:
Ken Griffey
Paralyzed with injury, the man thought in the early 90’s to be the one most likely to break the home run record saw his body gradually decline until he’s become just a shadow of his former self. This paved the way for the rise of Barry Bonds, who is either a sensitive man poorly treated by the media or a steroid-swilling misanthrope who deserves to be imprisoned for his churlishness, depending on your point of view.
Steve Sax
I don’t know what happened to this guy, but I’ll bet it was bad.
Ozzie Smith
Shortly after this episode Ozzie was replaced and left baseball a bitter, angry man. I heard he joined the NRA and became a minister and now gives crazy sermons about how the government infects computer keyboards with scabies, but I could be misremembering that.
Darryl Strawberry
If there’s a modern-day Oedipus, it’s Strawberry. No, not in an incestuous way. In the sense that he had so much, but was so troubled by personal demons and health problems that it’s all just kind of slipped away.
Jose Canseco
If you ever see Bud Selig on the beach, just yell “Cansco!” and he’ll bury his head in the sand so fast the tide will go out.
Mike Scioscia
Okay, it’s true that he managed the California Angels of the Western United States to a World Series title, but what has he done lately? Nothing.
Wade Boggs
During his appearance Wade Boggs was viciously attacked by a drunk, who gave him a concussion which ultimately forced him to retire from baseball.
Don Mattingly
Did you know that an anagram of “Don Mattingly” is Tiny Malt Dong? Only Mrs. Mattingly could tell us if that was true. Given the rancorousness of their divorce, it may just be.
Roger Clemens
Despite some steroid allegations, he appears to be the only one with any chance to escape the curse. Unless those lurid allegations turn out to be true, in which case he's pretty much screwed. Which is what Boston wanted all along, anyways, so it's all good.
Just check out the lineup of the famous “Homer at the Bat” episode, where Mr. Burns hired a group of professional ringers to win his company softball tournament:
Ken Griffey
Paralyzed with injury, the man thought in the early 90’s to be the one most likely to break the home run record saw his body gradually decline until he’s become just a shadow of his former self. This paved the way for the rise of Barry Bonds, who is either a sensitive man poorly treated by the media or a steroid-swilling misanthrope who deserves to be imprisoned for his churlishness, depending on your point of view.
Steve Sax
I don’t know what happened to this guy, but I’ll bet it was bad.
Ozzie Smith
Shortly after this episode Ozzie was replaced and left baseball a bitter, angry man. I heard he joined the NRA and became a minister and now gives crazy sermons about how the government infects computer keyboards with scabies, but I could be misremembering that.
Darryl Strawberry
If there’s a modern-day Oedipus, it’s Strawberry. No, not in an incestuous way. In the sense that he had so much, but was so troubled by personal demons and health problems that it’s all just kind of slipped away.
Jose Canseco
If you ever see Bud Selig on the beach, just yell “Cansco!” and he’ll bury his head in the sand so fast the tide will go out.
Mike Scioscia
Okay, it’s true that he managed the California Angels of the Western United States to a World Series title, but what has he done lately? Nothing.
Wade Boggs
During his appearance Wade Boggs was viciously attacked by a drunk, who gave him a concussion which ultimately forced him to retire from baseball.
Don Mattingly
Did you know that an anagram of “Don Mattingly” is Tiny Malt Dong? Only Mrs. Mattingly could tell us if that was true. Given the rancorousness of their divorce, it may just be.
Roger Clemens
Despite some steroid allegations, he appears to be the only one with any chance to escape the curse. Unless those lurid allegations turn out to be true, in which case he's pretty much screwed. Which is what Boston wanted all along, anyways, so it's all good.
Roger Clemens is Screwed
And I don’t mean in a good, country-music-star way. I mean in a bad, “your legacy is tarnished and everyone will hate you forever” way.
The predictable calls for him to “come clean and confess” have begun to appear. Then, we are assured, all will be forgiven.
Sure. And the Spanish Inquisition asked for the accused to bring kindling, but that was only to heat the courtroom.
If Clemens is foolish enough to confess, he’ll be crucified for it for the rest of his natural life. After all, Pete Rose was told all he had to do was apologize and all would be forgiven. We were assured that Rose, the all-time hit king, had committed only a minor sin, easily washed away with a simple confession.
You know what? Rose finally confessed and is worse off now than he was before: all his defenders have vanished, and his detractors (of whom I am one) freely malign his name without fear of anyone standing up for him. He’s a pariah in baseball and will forever be one.
So Clemens is doomed. His future in baseball is doubtful. And apparently he’s got troubles on the home front, too.
Good luck getting out of this count, Mr. Clemens. You’re gonna need it.
The predictable calls for him to “come clean and confess” have begun to appear. Then, we are assured, all will be forgiven.
Sure. And the Spanish Inquisition asked for the accused to bring kindling, but that was only to heat the courtroom.
If Clemens is foolish enough to confess, he’ll be crucified for it for the rest of his natural life. After all, Pete Rose was told all he had to do was apologize and all would be forgiven. We were assured that Rose, the all-time hit king, had committed only a minor sin, easily washed away with a simple confession.
You know what? Rose finally confessed and is worse off now than he was before: all his defenders have vanished, and his detractors (of whom I am one) freely malign his name without fear of anyone standing up for him. He’s a pariah in baseball and will forever be one.
So Clemens is doomed. His future in baseball is doubtful. And apparently he’s got troubles on the home front, too.
Good luck getting out of this count, Mr. Clemens. You’re gonna need it.
Monday, April 7, 2008
MLB Forecast
Good news, gambling derelicts everywhere! I have figured out how the MLB season will end. That’s right, it’s time for a RIDICULOUSLY EARLY SEASON FORECAST!
AL East
Even though the Orioles are currently in first place, they will tank in the second half of the season like they always do. So this Baltimore team, like so many others before them, is a mirage. You know, they ought to change their name to the Baltimore Mirage. Or does that sound like a seedy strip club? They are owned by Peter Angelos, who is a lot like that weird guy in the back of the strip club who never tips the dancers and keeps his hands in his pockets the whole night…
This division will be won by the Red Sox, with the Yankees in second place taking a Wild Card bid, just as God, ESPN, and the cosmos demand.
AL Central
Stick a fork in the Tigers, they’re done. You don’t lose six games in a row and come back to win it all, that’s for sure. It’ll be a two-way death match between the White Sox and the Indians to see who gets to lose to the Red Sox in the first round of the playoffs.
I’m aware that Kansas is 4-2. With some luck they might just double that win total by July 4th.
AL West
There’s only one team (Los Angeles of Anaheim) with a winning record in this putrid division of stinking, festering, garbage-heap teams. So you can forget about them for the rest of the year.
If these teams were any good they’d play east of the Mississippi. Whoever wins here will end up losing to the all-mighty Yankees in the Playoffs, setting up the inevitable Red Sox-Yankees showdown for THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE BASEBALL UNIVERSE!!!
You will be riveted to your televisions, pursuant to Federal Law.
NL East
The Mets are just laying low, lulling the other teams into a sense of false security before they roar ahead midyear, make several foolish acquisitions just before the deadline, and then fade from the top in late September. Just like every year!
But Florida’s hovering at 3-3, a sure sign that a surprise World Series win/team dismemberment is on the horizon.
NL Central
No longer does the stench of failure and stale beer haunt Milwaukee, my friends: that 5-1 record is the sign of success! This team will surely roll to a first-round playoff loss and all the fan joy that such a failure entails.
Accompanying them as Wild Card will be the nigh-unstoppable Chicago Cubs, since Bud Selig will rig the season and the playoffs to eliminate the last “curse” from his sport. Rampant steroids and out of control spending? Much less important than making Chicago fans feel better about themselves. Much less important, indeed.
NL West
Here’s an idea: why not take every “West” team and spin them off into their own baseball league, called The League of Suck? All these teams suck, right? Don’t let those gaudy records in Arizona and Los Angeles fool you; once they have to play real teams in New York, they’ll start folding like a Laundromat.
I’m sure the Giants, led by slugger Barry Bonds, will come back to capture this division. What’s that, you say? Bonds doesn’t play for the Giants? Not yet, he doesn’t.
[Update: Fred at Real Debate points out that my earlier gag on the Brewers doesn't work because they went to the series in 82. So I had to change it. Now this post is dead to me!]
AL East
Even though the Orioles are currently in first place, they will tank in the second half of the season like they always do. So this Baltimore team, like so many others before them, is a mirage. You know, they ought to change their name to the Baltimore Mirage. Or does that sound like a seedy strip club? They are owned by Peter Angelos, who is a lot like that weird guy in the back of the strip club who never tips the dancers and keeps his hands in his pockets the whole night…
This division will be won by the Red Sox, with the Yankees in second place taking a Wild Card bid, just as God, ESPN, and the cosmos demand.
AL Central
Stick a fork in the Tigers, they’re done. You don’t lose six games in a row and come back to win it all, that’s for sure. It’ll be a two-way death match between the White Sox and the Indians to see who gets to lose to the Red Sox in the first round of the playoffs.
I’m aware that Kansas is 4-2. With some luck they might just double that win total by July 4th.
AL West
There’s only one team (Los Angeles of Anaheim) with a winning record in this putrid division of stinking, festering, garbage-heap teams. So you can forget about them for the rest of the year.
If these teams were any good they’d play east of the Mississippi. Whoever wins here will end up losing to the all-mighty Yankees in the Playoffs, setting up the inevitable Red Sox-Yankees showdown for THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE BASEBALL UNIVERSE!!!
You will be riveted to your televisions, pursuant to Federal Law.
NL East
The Mets are just laying low, lulling the other teams into a sense of false security before they roar ahead midyear, make several foolish acquisitions just before the deadline, and then fade from the top in late September. Just like every year!
But Florida’s hovering at 3-3, a sure sign that a surprise World Series win/team dismemberment is on the horizon.
NL Central
No longer does the stench of failure and stale beer haunt Milwaukee, my friends: that 5-1 record is the sign of success! This team will surely roll to a first-round playoff loss and all the fan joy that such a failure entails.
Accompanying them as Wild Card will be the nigh-unstoppable Chicago Cubs, since Bud Selig will rig the season and the playoffs to eliminate the last “curse” from his sport. Rampant steroids and out of control spending? Much less important than making Chicago fans feel better about themselves. Much less important, indeed.
NL West
Here’s an idea: why not take every “West” team and spin them off into their own baseball league, called The League of Suck? All these teams suck, right? Don’t let those gaudy records in Arizona and Los Angeles fool you; once they have to play real teams in New York, they’ll start folding like a Laundromat.
I’m sure the Giants, led by slugger Barry Bonds, will come back to capture this division. What’s that, you say? Bonds doesn’t play for the Giants? Not yet, he doesn’t.
[Update: Fred at Real Debate points out that my earlier gag on the Brewers doesn't work because they went to the series in 82. So I had to change it. Now this post is dead to me!]
Monday, March 31, 2008
ESPN isn’t biased...
It’s just that the teams in the west suck really bad. At least, that’s the impression I’m left with after reading their predictions for the upcoming baseball season.
First of all, a small historical note: in the last 8 years, every division has won the World Series at least once.
Re-read that again: every division, even the woeful AL West (Anaheim Angels, 2002), has won the World Series at least once since 2000.
That’s parity the NFL can only envy since 2000, where the AFC North and East have combined to win 5 of the last 9 superbowls , and two divisions haven’t won since the late 90’s.
ESPN’s got a lot of confidence that the Central and East divisions are where it’s at this year in baseball, with 89% of the experts picking the World Series winner to come from one of those divisions.
Even more glaring is the section on individual awards: 53% of the MVP/Cy Young/Rookie of the Year voting goes to players from the East, 49% goes to players from the Central, and a scant 8% from players in the West.
But I guess that explains why so few experts predict the World Series winner to come from the West: those guys are seriously amateur out there.
First of all, a small historical note: in the last 8 years, every division has won the World Series at least once.
Re-read that again: every division, even the woeful AL West (Anaheim Angels, 2002), has won the World Series at least once since 2000.
That’s parity the NFL can only envy since 2000, where the AFC North and East have combined to win 5 of the last 9 superbowls , and two divisions haven’t won since the late 90’s.
ESPN’s got a lot of confidence that the Central and East divisions are where it’s at this year in baseball, with 89% of the experts picking the World Series winner to come from one of those divisions.
Even more glaring is the section on individual awards: 53% of the MVP/Cy Young/Rookie of the Year voting goes to players from the East, 49% goes to players from the Central, and a scant 8% from players in the West.
But I guess that explains why so few experts predict the World Series winner to come from the West: those guys are seriously amateur out there.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Baseball Movie Index
Finally, baseball season has started. And thankfully without that butt-piercing, steroid-swilling, bat-throwing, foul-mouthed moron poisoning our national pasttime. Oh, wait, Clemens is still pitching for the Yankees. Never mind!
Tell me again why nobody’ll hire Barry Bonds?
Anyway, for all you baseball fans out there, here’s a movie index to tell you what kind of season you can expect from your favorite team.
AL East: Mammoth Pictures – big-budget blockbusters and proud of it
Yankees: Titanic. The most expensive team of their time, masterminded by an egomaniac, and still doomed to hit an iceberg and sink short of their goal. Consider yourselves blessed to live to bear witness to the spectacle.
Blue Jays: La Vie en Rose. Yeah, I don’t know what it means either. Nor do I know why Toronto still has a baseball team, unless it’s so MLB can get cheaper meds for their players. That, I could understand.
Red Sox: The Godfather Trilogy. In their quest to overcome the hated Yankees, they’ve turned into them. And the third Godfather movie sucked, just like the third time the Red Sox win the World Series will suck mightily as well. I hope they win 172 games in a row then choke away the World Series.
Orioles: A Beautiful Mind. Not only was John Nash way more sane than Peter Angelos, but I hear Russell Crowe swings a mean bat, too. Or at least a mean telephone.
Rays: Friday the 13th Part 10: Jason Goes to Boy Scout Camp. Just as pointless as the previous seasons, but without the thrill of being new.
AL Central: Miracle Studios. If it’s a hit, it’s a Miracle!
White Sox: 10,000 BC. Which coincidentally is the era when Ozzie Guillen formed his opinions about women, gays, and the right way to play the game.
Indians: Birth of a Nation. Come on, Cleveland, there’s a plot in the mascot graveyard next to Chief Knockahoma for Chief Wahoo. All you gotta do is throw him in.
Twins: Quiz Show. Because at least when a crooked game show fools you, you don’t get levied for a giant new tax to aggrandize a tight-fisted billionaire who sells off your best players.
Royals: Halloween 9: Michael Myers Retires. Because no matter how many fading stars and new young talent you collect, some projects are doomed to failure before they even begin.
Tigers: Thank You for Smoking. Jim Leyland: guaranteeing profits for Altria in the greater Detroit area since 2006.
AL West: Indy Movies: Doing it our way even when it fails.
Angels: Shakespeare in Love. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But a team that claims to be in two cities at once is not so sweet. I believe the residents of this region know which city the team stadium is in. Do the players?
Mariners: No Country for Old Men. The award-winning film beloved by critics that nobody sees and few fans feel passionately about.
Athletics: Sliding Doors. Is anybody besides me starting to think that the whole Moneyball thing is way oversold, Billy Beane isn’t a genius, and the A’s don’t know something about winning the World Series? Or is that a minority opinion? It sure seems like pure random chance might explain their (now long-past) successes.
Rangers: My Left Foot. Let’s just say Rangers pitchers can really empathize with a guy who doesn’t have the use of his arms. Unfortunately, so can Rangers defenders, who are used to watching the ball sail overhead.
NL East: Corporate Pictures, a division of Starched Shirt International
Braves: Raging Bull. I tell you, they could’ve been a contender. But they weren’t.
Mets: Star Wars Episodes I-III. Big budget? Check. Top stars? Check. Great expectations? Check. Inexplicable collapse when it matters? Check. Hated by fans more than Jar-Jar? You better believe that’s a check.
Phillies: Cloverfield. But are the Phillies the monster or the plucky hipsters trying to escape New York without being killed? Trick question! Of course they’re the Statue of Liberty.
Marlins: 300. How can a team that knows it’ll be cut to pieces at season’s end win the World Series over and over again? No, really, this fascinates me. They know they’ll be chopped up like a neighbor at Hannibal Lecter’s dinner party, but they still beat teams with twice the payroll. How do they do it?
Nationals: Child’s Play 12: Bride of Chucky Returns for Vengeance. You know why congress is so up-in-arms about baseball steroids? Because they’ve been going to Nationals games and haven’t seen any evidence of them from the home team.
NL Central: Blue Collar Films: Beer, Babes, and Brawls
Cardinals: All the Right Moves. When I was nine our hippie neighbors took my older brother, me, and their three children to this movie. Afterwards we accidentally left the 7-year-old behind at the theater because we were all in a daze after seeing Lea Thompson’s tits. She was the first naked woman I had ever seen, and I knew from that moment on that I was firmly heterosexual despite Tom Cruise’s best efforts waving his little dingle at me. What does this have to do with the Cardinals? Nothing; I just wanted an excuse to tell that anecdote.
Brewers: 2 Fast 2 Furious 2. They still play baseball in Milwaukee? Get out! I thought they just had sausage races and cheep beer.
Reds: In the Valley of Elah. Just like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie, the Reds are essentially unwatchable. And also like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie gets an Oscar nod, they are guaranteed an all-star. Nobody said life was fair.
Cubs: Basic Instinct. If any team is preparing to stab their beloved fans to death with an ice pick, it’s this one.
Astros: Dumb and Dumberer. I know it saves a syllable when sportscasters say stros instead of ass-troes. But it makes them sound like ass-hoes when they do it. And not ho in the “Elliot Spitzer jonesing for one in detox” way, but in the “I hope you fall in one and never climb back out way” way.
Pirates: Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in Space. To get people to buy Pirates tickets, you can’t just kiss the Blarney stone; you have to take a Blarney enema.
NL West: Arthouse Crap: because you only watch to score with goth chicks
Rockies: Lady in the Water. You know how every M. Knight Shamalyan film has the stupid twist ending that makes you want to hunt him down and give him a wedgie until he refunds your money for wasting your time? I’m sure Rockies fans felt that way after the World Series.
Diamondbacks: The Mummy. The ancient curse once again rears his ugly head and takes aim at all that is dear to you. Yes, Randy Johnson was aiming at your crotch.
Giants: Waiting for Godot. Baseball season is interminably long, they’ll spend the whole time talking about somebody who isn’t there, and attendees will feel ripped off when it’s all over.
Dodgers: The Shootist. You think that the old man is finished? You wouldn’t be the first person to make that mistake.
Padres: Man without a Face. Not only are they a faceless team, they’re way down here at the end of the list and I’m tired. So this is what they get. What, you expected a big finish?
[Update: I fixed the title of 21 to Quiz Show, because I'm an idiot and misremembered the name and didn't double-check it. I didn't bother to come up with anything better for the Padres, though, since nobody reads this far into my mammoth posts anyways.]
Tell me again why nobody’ll hire Barry Bonds?
Anyway, for all you baseball fans out there, here’s a movie index to tell you what kind of season you can expect from your favorite team.
AL East: Mammoth Pictures – big-budget blockbusters and proud of it
Yankees: Titanic. The most expensive team of their time, masterminded by an egomaniac, and still doomed to hit an iceberg and sink short of their goal. Consider yourselves blessed to live to bear witness to the spectacle.
Blue Jays: La Vie en Rose. Yeah, I don’t know what it means either. Nor do I know why Toronto still has a baseball team, unless it’s so MLB can get cheaper meds for their players. That, I could understand.
Red Sox: The Godfather Trilogy. In their quest to overcome the hated Yankees, they’ve turned into them. And the third Godfather movie sucked, just like the third time the Red Sox win the World Series will suck mightily as well. I hope they win 172 games in a row then choke away the World Series.
Orioles: A Beautiful Mind. Not only was John Nash way more sane than Peter Angelos, but I hear Russell Crowe swings a mean bat, too. Or at least a mean telephone.
Rays: Friday the 13th Part 10: Jason Goes to Boy Scout Camp. Just as pointless as the previous seasons, but without the thrill of being new.
AL Central: Miracle Studios. If it’s a hit, it’s a Miracle!
White Sox: 10,000 BC. Which coincidentally is the era when Ozzie Guillen formed his opinions about women, gays, and the right way to play the game.
Indians: Birth of a Nation. Come on, Cleveland, there’s a plot in the mascot graveyard next to Chief Knockahoma for Chief Wahoo. All you gotta do is throw him in.
Twins: Quiz Show. Because at least when a crooked game show fools you, you don’t get levied for a giant new tax to aggrandize a tight-fisted billionaire who sells off your best players.
Royals: Halloween 9: Michael Myers Retires. Because no matter how many fading stars and new young talent you collect, some projects are doomed to failure before they even begin.
Tigers: Thank You for Smoking. Jim Leyland: guaranteeing profits for Altria in the greater Detroit area since 2006.
AL West: Indy Movies: Doing it our way even when it fails.
Angels: Shakespeare in Love. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. But a team that claims to be in two cities at once is not so sweet. I believe the residents of this region know which city the team stadium is in. Do the players?
Mariners: No Country for Old Men. The award-winning film beloved by critics that nobody sees and few fans feel passionately about.
Athletics: Sliding Doors. Is anybody besides me starting to think that the whole Moneyball thing is way oversold, Billy Beane isn’t a genius, and the A’s don’t know something about winning the World Series? Or is that a minority opinion? It sure seems like pure random chance might explain their (now long-past) successes.
Rangers: My Left Foot. Let’s just say Rangers pitchers can really empathize with a guy who doesn’t have the use of his arms. Unfortunately, so can Rangers defenders, who are used to watching the ball sail overhead.
NL East: Corporate Pictures, a division of Starched Shirt International
Braves: Raging Bull. I tell you, they could’ve been a contender. But they weren’t.
Mets: Star Wars Episodes I-III. Big budget? Check. Top stars? Check. Great expectations? Check. Inexplicable collapse when it matters? Check. Hated by fans more than Jar-Jar? You better believe that’s a check.
Phillies: Cloverfield. But are the Phillies the monster or the plucky hipsters trying to escape New York without being killed? Trick question! Of course they’re the Statue of Liberty.
Marlins: 300. How can a team that knows it’ll be cut to pieces at season’s end win the World Series over and over again? No, really, this fascinates me. They know they’ll be chopped up like a neighbor at Hannibal Lecter’s dinner party, but they still beat teams with twice the payroll. How do they do it?
Nationals: Child’s Play 12: Bride of Chucky Returns for Vengeance. You know why congress is so up-in-arms about baseball steroids? Because they’ve been going to Nationals games and haven’t seen any evidence of them from the home team.
NL Central: Blue Collar Films: Beer, Babes, and Brawls
Cardinals: All the Right Moves. When I was nine our hippie neighbors took my older brother, me, and their three children to this movie. Afterwards we accidentally left the 7-year-old behind at the theater because we were all in a daze after seeing Lea Thompson’s tits. She was the first naked woman I had ever seen, and I knew from that moment on that I was firmly heterosexual despite Tom Cruise’s best efforts waving his little dingle at me. What does this have to do with the Cardinals? Nothing; I just wanted an excuse to tell that anecdote.
Brewers: 2 Fast 2 Furious 2. They still play baseball in Milwaukee? Get out! I thought they just had sausage races and cheep beer.
Reds: In the Valley of Elah. Just like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie, the Reds are essentially unwatchable. And also like the obligatory Hollywood anti-war movie gets an Oscar nod, they are guaranteed an all-star. Nobody said life was fair.
Cubs: Basic Instinct. If any team is preparing to stab their beloved fans to death with an ice pick, it’s this one.
Astros: Dumb and Dumberer. I know it saves a syllable when sportscasters say stros instead of ass-troes. But it makes them sound like ass-hoes when they do it. And not ho in the “Elliot Spitzer jonesing for one in detox” way, but in the “I hope you fall in one and never climb back out way” way.
Pirates: Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in Space. To get people to buy Pirates tickets, you can’t just kiss the Blarney stone; you have to take a Blarney enema.
NL West: Arthouse Crap: because you only watch to score with goth chicks
Rockies: Lady in the Water. You know how every M. Knight Shamalyan film has the stupid twist ending that makes you want to hunt him down and give him a wedgie until he refunds your money for wasting your time? I’m sure Rockies fans felt that way after the World Series.
Diamondbacks: The Mummy. The ancient curse once again rears his ugly head and takes aim at all that is dear to you. Yes, Randy Johnson was aiming at your crotch.
Giants: Waiting for Godot. Baseball season is interminably long, they’ll spend the whole time talking about somebody who isn’t there, and attendees will feel ripped off when it’s all over.
Dodgers: The Shootist. You think that the old man is finished? You wouldn’t be the first person to make that mistake.
Padres: Man without a Face. Not only are they a faceless team, they’re way down here at the end of the list and I’m tired. So this is what they get. What, you expected a big finish?
[Update: I fixed the title of 21 to Quiz Show, because I'm an idiot and misremembered the name and didn't double-check it. I didn't bother to come up with anything better for the Padres, though, since nobody reads this far into my mammoth posts anyways.]
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
How to make an Economics Prof. Weep
Somewhere SI’s Peter King’s old Economics professor is crying:
Here’s an idea for Mr. King: check out how well the government “doing something about high prices” works in places like Venezuela or Zimbabwe.
The free market might be scary and messy, but it’s the only thing that works, dipshit.
Rant of the Week: I paid $62 to fill my 18-gallon tank with gas on Thursday in New Jersey. With $4-a-gallon gas around the corner (I hear it's already here for premium in California), I have only one question: Where's the outrage? Why are our elected officials doing nothing -- nothing that any of us can see -- about it? I can afford gas, but how about the people who cannot? I can't believe we just let things like this happen in our society.Welcome to your average Sportswriter/Journalist’s idea of how the economy works: the government should just fix the price of stuff, and we “shouldn’t let” things like this happen.
Here’s an idea for Mr. King: check out how well the government “doing something about high prices” works in places like Venezuela or Zimbabwe.
The free market might be scary and messy, but it’s the only thing that works, dipshit.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
When Sportswriters Attack: Peter King Version
You get no points for guessing how SI’s Peter King will vote this coming fall. In a discussion of John Grisham’s latest book, he manages to throw out this gem of political insight:
Moreover, let’s be realistic here: this isn’t some guy that Obama happened to hear one and off; this is a minister that Obama sought out, joined with, took as counselor, allowed to marry him, and had his children baptized by.
Big difference from somebody that “you’ve listened to over the years.” I look at it like this:
If a song comes on the radio while you’re driving in the car, it means nothing.
If you’re listening to a song on CD in your car, it means you like it.
If the song is in your CD player, and you gave copies of the song to everyone in your family, it means it’s your favorite song.
Which analogy more closely parallels Wright and Obama?
If King doesn’t think Wright’s comments are a big deal, then say so. If King thinks we should vote for Barack regardless of what Wright thinks, then say so. If King doesn’t like Hillary Clinton, then say so.
But the “nothing to see here” defense? It’s lame and pathetic. I would say I expect more of Peter King, but I really don’t.
One final point: Some of the dirty tricks in his Mississippi election, with strings pulled from hundreds of miles away, reminds me of what can happen in elections today. It's got to be pretty frustrating to be, say, Barack Obama, and get blamed for the views of a fire-and-brimstone preacher you've listened to over the years.I’ll briefly point out that this is a hypocritical stance for King, who often criticizes teams for taking “bad character” guys on the grounds that they’ll corrupt teammates and spoil locker room chemistry.
Moreover, let’s be realistic here: this isn’t some guy that Obama happened to hear one and off; this is a minister that Obama sought out, joined with, took as counselor, allowed to marry him, and had his children baptized by.
Big difference from somebody that “you’ve listened to over the years.” I look at it like this:
If a song comes on the radio while you’re driving in the car, it means nothing.
If you’re listening to a song on CD in your car, it means you like it.
If the song is in your CD player, and you gave copies of the song to everyone in your family, it means it’s your favorite song.
Which analogy more closely parallels Wright and Obama?
If King doesn’t think Wright’s comments are a big deal, then say so. If King thinks we should vote for Barack regardless of what Wright thinks, then say so. If King doesn’t like Hillary Clinton, then say so.
But the “nothing to see here” defense? It’s lame and pathetic. I would say I expect more of Peter King, but I really don’t.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Tripp Isenhour: Dick
I was going to write some kind of satire about Tripp Isenhour, the professional golfer who killed a hawk with a shot, but I’ll just settle for the title.
And you know what? The 15 worthless assholes that stood around with their thumb up their ass while he tried to pelt the bird are all dicks, too. Not a single one of them said “hey, hold on, let me try running at it going booga-booga-booga to see if that drives it off.”
What a bunch of worthless dicks.
And you know what? The 15 worthless assholes that stood around with their thumb up their ass while he tried to pelt the bird are all dicks, too. Not a single one of them said “hey, hold on, let me try running at it going booga-booga-booga to see if that drives it off.”
What a bunch of worthless dicks.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Brett Favre Hangs it Up
I guess Peter King will finally have to get that Viagra prescription filled instead of pulling out the old Packers highlights when the missus gets frisky, because Brett Favre has called it a career. And any further vision of the Great Gunslinger in uniform can only bring bitter tears of regret instead of setting the hearts of sportswriters everywhere atwitter.
Here's hoping they can find a good replacement, because with President-elect Obama soon to outlaw cheese, there's just no reason to go on living in Wisconsin if the Packers aren't any good.
Here's hoping they can find a good replacement, because with President-elect Obama soon to outlaw cheese, there's just no reason to go on living in Wisconsin if the Packers aren't any good.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
New Devil Rays Stadium
Apparently the Tampa Bay Rays are going to have a new stadium that looks like this:
It's a giant sail so that the team can easily fly away after another futile season to a town that won't mind that they suck. Then, when things go bad there...
Raise the sail, boys!
It's a giant sail so that the team can easily fly away after another futile season to a town that won't mind that they suck. Then, when things go bad there...
Raise the sail, boys!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Sample MLB Umpire Investigation Questions
“Hello, I’m ________ from Major League Baseball, and I’d like to ask you a few questions about your neighbor, __________. It’s just a simple background check, and I want you to be sure that anything you tell us will be strictly confidential. We’re just doing this as part of our routine surveillance on the umpires to make sure they’re not at risk for any behaviors that might imperil the integrity of the game.
First of all, does he have any outstanding gambling debts?
(If Yes) Which members of his family did he use as collateral?
(If No) Why not? Is he some kind of religious nut?
(If Unsure) Are you covering for him because you owe him money?
Do you know if he owns any firearms of any sort?
(If Yes) Last Halloween, did you witness him firing at trick-or-treaters?
(If No) Are you at all concerned that he has a pipe bomb factory in his basement?
(If Unsure) You’re saying you don’t know if his guns are legal or not?
Did you know whether or not he’s been producing homemade pornography and distributing it via the internet?
(If Yes) What size bat does he swing, if you get my drift?
(If No) Would you expect him to make high-quality or low-quality pornography?
(If Unsure) So you can’t be certain he’s not taking video of you on the toilet and posting it on pottyhotty.com?
Can you tell us of any group affiliations he might have in the community?
(If Yes) This is some kind of racist group bent on world domination?
(If No) So you think he’s only a member of secretive, subversive organizations with bizarre entry rituals, like the Stonecutters?
(If Unsure) Think hard about places you may have seen him on the local news: KKK marches, Communist Party rallies, gay pride parades, that sort of thing.
Have you personally witnessed unsavory characters coming and going from his house at all hours of the night?
(If Yes) What’ll you give me to not tell Johnny Onethumb you called him unsavory?
(If No) So you think hookers and lowlife junkies are fine neighbors?
(If Unsure) So they come in the middle of the day also?
In your opinion, do he and his family live within their means?
(If Yes) Why are you covering for him? He told us this was a crackhouse.
(If No) You realize that not everybody likes to live in squalor like you do?
(If Unsure) So you don’t go through his mail often enough to find out?
Have you witnessed anything that might compromise his objectivity as an MLB umpire?
(If Yes) Please speak distinctly into this tape recorder.
(If No or Unsure) Let me go through the questions again, and this time you concentrate…
First of all, does he have any outstanding gambling debts?
(If Yes) Which members of his family did he use as collateral?
(If No) Why not? Is he some kind of religious nut?
(If Unsure) Are you covering for him because you owe him money?
Do you know if he owns any firearms of any sort?
(If Yes) Last Halloween, did you witness him firing at trick-or-treaters?
(If No) Are you at all concerned that he has a pipe bomb factory in his basement?
(If Unsure) You’re saying you don’t know if his guns are legal or not?
Did you know whether or not he’s been producing homemade pornography and distributing it via the internet?
(If Yes) What size bat does he swing, if you get my drift?
(If No) Would you expect him to make high-quality or low-quality pornography?
(If Unsure) So you can’t be certain he’s not taking video of you on the toilet and posting it on pottyhotty.com?
Can you tell us of any group affiliations he might have in the community?
(If Yes) This is some kind of racist group bent on world domination?
(If No) So you think he’s only a member of secretive, subversive organizations with bizarre entry rituals, like the Stonecutters?
(If Unsure) Think hard about places you may have seen him on the local news: KKK marches, Communist Party rallies, gay pride parades, that sort of thing.
Have you personally witnessed unsavory characters coming and going from his house at all hours of the night?
(If Yes) What’ll you give me to not tell Johnny Onethumb you called him unsavory?
(If No) So you think hookers and lowlife junkies are fine neighbors?
(If Unsure) So they come in the middle of the day also?
In your opinion, do he and his family live within their means?
(If Yes) Why are you covering for him? He told us this was a crackhouse.
(If No) You realize that not everybody likes to live in squalor like you do?
(If Unsure) So you don’t go through his mail often enough to find out?
Have you witnessed anything that might compromise his objectivity as an MLB umpire?
(If Yes) Please speak distinctly into this tape recorder.
(If No or Unsure) Let me go through the questions again, and this time you concentrate…
Friday, January 18, 2008
Your Lava Colonoscopy is Ready
I really wanted to read Bill Simmons’ ESPN.com debate with himself about whether the ‘86 Celtics or the ‘07 Patriots were the greatest team ever to grace Boston. But then I remembered that I needed to get a root canal from my nearsighted dentist with hands the size of oven mitts, and I wasn’t able to read it.
These are the kind of articles that sports networks love to run, but which are excruciating for non-fans to read. Why do they punish us with these things? They promise all of the joy of hearing a drunken friend debate with himself whether his penis is longer or wider than the normal man’s, with none of the schadenfreude of watching him vomit on himself at the end of the night.
These are the kind of articles that sports networks love to run, but which are excruciating for non-fans to read. Why do they punish us with these things? They promise all of the joy of hearing a drunken friend debate with himself whether his penis is longer or wider than the normal man’s, with none of the schadenfreude of watching him vomit on himself at the end of the night.
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