MLB Forecast

Good news, gambling derelicts everywhere! I have figured out how the MLB season will end. That’s right, it’s time for a RIDICULOUSLY EARLY SEASON FORECAST!

AL East
Even though the Orioles are currently in first place, they will tank in the second half of the season like they always do. So this Baltimore team, like so many others before them, is a mirage. You know, they ought to change their name to the Baltimore Mirage. Or does that sound like a seedy strip club? They are owned by Peter Angelos, who is a lot like that weird guy in the back of the strip club who never tips the dancers and keeps his hands in his pockets the whole night…

This division will be won by the Red Sox, with the Yankees in second place taking a Wild Card bid, just as God, ESPN, and the cosmos demand.

AL Central
Stick a fork in the Tigers, they’re done. You don’t lose six games in a row and come back to win it all, that’s for sure. It’ll be a two-way death match between the White Sox and the Indians to see who gets to lose to the Red Sox in the first round of the playoffs.

I’m aware that Kansas is 4-2. With some luck they might just double that win total by July 4th.

AL West
There’s only one team (Los Angeles of Anaheim) with a winning record in this putrid division of stinking, festering, garbage-heap teams. So you can forget about them for the rest of the year.

If these teams were any good they’d play east of the Mississippi. Whoever wins here will end up losing to the all-mighty Yankees in the Playoffs, setting up the inevitable Red Sox-Yankees showdown for THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE BASEBALL UNIVERSE!!!

You will be riveted to your televisions, pursuant to Federal Law.

NL East
The Mets are just laying low, lulling the other teams into a sense of false security before they roar ahead midyear, make several foolish acquisitions just before the deadline, and then fade from the top in late September. Just like every year!

But Florida’s hovering at 3-3, a sure sign that a surprise World Series win/team dismemberment is on the horizon.

NL Central
No longer does the stench of failure and stale beer haunt Milwaukee, my friends: that 5-1 record is the sign of success! This team will surely roll to a first-round playoff loss and all the fan joy that such a failure entails.

Accompanying them as Wild Card will be the nigh-unstoppable Chicago Cubs, since Bud Selig will rig the season and the playoffs to eliminate the last “curse” from his sport. Rampant steroids and out of control spending? Much less important than making Chicago fans feel better about themselves. Much less important, indeed.

NL West
Here’s an idea: why not take every “West” team and spin them off into their own baseball league, called The League of Suck? All these teams suck, right? Don’t let those gaudy records in Arizona and Los Angeles fool you; once they have to play real teams in New York, they’ll start folding like a Laundromat.

I’m sure the Giants, led by slugger Barry Bonds, will come back to capture this division. What’s that, you say? Bonds doesn’t play for the Giants? Not yet, he doesn’t.

[Update: Fred at Real Debate points out that my earlier gag on the Brewers doesn't work because they went to the series in 82. So I had to change it. Now this post is dead to me!]