Sky Heavier than Thought

NASA revealed on Wednesday that, according to data from their latest satellite measuring the atmosphere, density in the Lithosphere is twice what had previously been theorized. Since the Lithosphere represents almost 1/5 of the total volume of the atmosphere, this means that the sky is 10% heavier than previous measurements.

“This spells disaster,” said Tim Hansen, head researcher of NASA’s Falling Sky Program. “We knew the sky was heavy, but we didn’t realize how critically heavy it really was. It’s going to come crashing down on us and destroy us any minute now.”

NASA recommended immediate panic, with people cracking open each other’s head and eating the goo inside.