Shoe the other foot

I think I can help heal this divide between privileged liberal and poor redneck. I’m going to reverse-translate Barack Obama’s commentary so that liberals can understand what so-called small town America heard from him over the weekend.

Imagine that GOP Presidential candidate Eustus P. Hogg III is speaking to the Upper Mudflap Rotary Convention in Mudflap, Pennsylvania, and he says the following:

“Y’all know that in some places, like San Francisco or New York, there are boys who grow up without ever learning what it means to be a real man. So they dress like metrosexuals, they drink lattes instead of coffee, they’re incompetent with basic power tools, and they get degrees in law or philosophy instead of learning a real trade that adds value to the country. It’s high time that they got their painted nails a little bit chipped by helping make this country great, don’t you think?

“I understand that being a real man cuts into the amount of time you can spend sticking stuff in your ass to find the limits of your accomodation. But I don’t think the founding fathers really valued that kind of activity.”

His apology would then go something like this:

“I’m sorry that a whole bunch of pantywaist queerbaits got upset about my comments yesterday. I think it’s a good thing that they’re not real men, and I think it’s fine that they like to spend time grooming their eyebrows and debating Proust or whatever. Those are fine American pursuits. The whole thing is a distraction from my ‘Gun in Every House’ campaign that the out-of-touch Limousine Liberals don’t want to talk about.”

Then a strategist for the GOP might say something like this:

“There’s this assumption in Conservative circles, this way of speaking, that you just don’t talk about aloud. Everybody knows that liberals are Godless heathens who like to form trysts with animals, but saying out loud is considered gauche. We have to be polite to them, because they do make up a valuable segment of the electorate that we want to exploit.”