Giant Monster Attack ‘Inevitable’

A panel of experts told the US Senate today that a giant monster attack on Washington DC was “inevitable” and that the best they could do was hope that the monster sated itself on tourists before passing out in a drunken stupor in the reflecting pool.

“We can say with certainty that there will be a giant monster attack on Washington DC within the next twenty years, and that this monster will probably pee on the Jefferson Memorial, which looks a lot like a toilet,” said GMA expert Charles D. Ward. “Anyone who lives in the metro area is likely to be consumed and, depending upon the nature of the giant monster, impregnated with its brood.”

The scientific panel said that most likely the source of the Giant Monster would be pesticide-laden bugs grown to enormous size, but that a single deep-sea monster was not out of the question. “I think it’s very likely that Cloverfield would end up looking like a best-case scenario,” said Kitty Carlisle, head of NASA’s GMA Research Center. “The reality is that conventional weapons would be useless, and we’d be left scrambling to find a giant monkey to combat the threat.”

Former Vice President John K. Mondale, speaking from the National Hollywood Reporter’s Convention where he was accepting a lifetime achievement award for his film An Uninvited Guest, said that he thought the panel was being optimistic. “During my time in office I worked tirelessly to get a Kong Defense System implemented across the Easter seaboard to protect us from this kind of threat, until George Bush derailed it and put us all in harm’s way. I recommend people stock up on bullets and prepare for the worst.”

Senators expressed alarm at the findings, and promised to raise taxes on something in a desperate bid to squeeze some more money from the economy.