Pennsylvanian Drowns in Bridge Accident

An embittered Pennsylvania man drown over the weekend clinging to his hunting rifle and a large cross after he lost control of his car and spun off the Peskatuwan bridge near Pittsburgh in Western Pennsylvania.

Although rescuers threw him a life line, the man refused to take it, instead complaining about his poor economic status and the meaninglessness of his life following the closure of the local mill due to NAFTA. He also appeared upset that the rescuers did not look similar to him.

Presidential candidate Barack Obama called it “an expected tragedy” and said he wasn’t surprised because “I think that most Pennsylvanians would prefer to sink into a watery grave than continue on with their grim, unenlightened existence.”