Secret Meeting Notes

Below is a transcript from a meeting between Nancy Pelosi, Howard Dean, Harry Reid and an unnamed Democratic Superdelegate that they tried to convince to declare for Obama so that they can have leverage to force Hillary Clinton out of the race.

Let’s see how it went:

DEAN: We need you to do the right thing for the party and declare for Obama.

SD: Why is that the right thing for the party?

DEAN: Because we need to end this divisive primary race.

SD: So just end it and leave me out of it.

DEAN: You’re a super delegate. It’s your duty to moot the remaining primaries and declare Obama the winner by acclamation right now.

SD: So half my constituents will hate me and I’ll lose my seat? No thank you! You want it done, you do it; you’re the party chair.

DEAN: YEEEEEAAAAARRRRGH!

PELOSI: I think what Howard is trying to say is that you have to remember what the Bible says.

SD: And what does the bible say?

PELOSI: The Bible says, “It is better for thee to voteth for the black guy and be castigated by thy female supporters than to have thine party suffer for they sake.”

SD: Where does it say that?

PELOSI: It’s right after the part about gay marriage and right before the eleventh commandment that it’s okay to have abortions.

SD: I think you’re making that up. What verse is it?

PELOSI: I’ll have to get back to you on that…

REID: Listen, I think I know a way to work through this.

SD: What’s that?

REID: I have this plot of land in Nevada that’s worth a tidy bundle, and if you play ball with us, I can help you get a little piece of it and then resell it for ten times what it’s worth.

SD: Sorry, no game. Obama’s got much more real estate experience than you do and he offered to fix me up in Chicago.

REID: Then if you don’t help us out, I’ll have some goons come around and beat the piss out of you.

SD: Sorry, Clinton’s got better goons than you do, and they’re already holding my wife in an undisclosed location.

REID: So what are you going to do?

SD: I’m gonna wait until somebody else makes my decision meaningless so that I don’t get my nuts cut off by either candidate, then I’ll declare for the winner after the fact. So you guys can just forget about me taking a beating for you! (Leaves)

PELOSI: So how many superdelegates does that make?

REID: Two hundred and twelve.

DEAN: No, two hundred and six!

REID: We already had this argument!

PELOSI: Quiet, numskulls, or I’ll murderize the both of you!

DEAN: Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck!